Friday, December 23, 2011

Crime takes no holiday

Clearing off the local crime blotter: It seems that crooks in Baltimore can't get enough copper!

So, the coppers can't arrest them fast enough!

I don't know what kind of price people are getting for copper these days, but it must be a pretty copper penny, because thieves are going to the tonier neighborhoods, where people have copper rain gutters, and literally ripping them off in broad daylight, hauling the metal down to the recycle yards for some extra holiday money.

Or they go into abandoned houses, which are as numerous in the city as former Kardashian sex partners, and yank pipes out of long-abandoned plumbing fixtures.

Or they go to the Baltimore Gas and Electric substations and cut through the fence for access so they can steal spools of copper wire, failing to have any sort of lookout in place, so when a county police comes along and sees the hole in the fence, he can just radio for a helicopter to help spot the hapless crooks...

as they attempt to hide from a helicopter spotlight by lying facedown on a big pile of dirt.

Brilliant play, Shakespeare!

Or, check out this story about a dude in Miami Gardens, FL, whose plan to Spiderman himself into a copper pot of gold went slightly awry...

We always heard that the masterminds behind criminal enterprises are so brilliant that, were they to turn their brains to honest endeavors, they could find success in any legitimate pursuit.  Why, any drug kingpin - even those who moonlight as a wide receiver for the Chicago Bears - is well-versed in supply chain regulation, promotion, security, customer relations, and inventory control.

Maybe that used to be the case.  Are our schools letting us down?  Do we need to worry that even our criminals are being graduated from high school while still stupid?  

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