Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Burning Bright

I don't really follow golf, because I think it's possible to take a nice long walk without smacking a little white ball around.  I could be wrong.  But the Tiger Woods saga continues to unfold, or collapse.  His entire career, he seemed to do no wrong, and he won a lot of golf tournaments, but then came Thanksgiving 2009, and ever since then, his world has spun around like a hungry kid at an ice cream factory. And now it seems that his world was like that beach ball that they put up over the vacuum cleaner in the appliance dept. at Monkey Wards - the air flows around the surface of the ball, forming what science calls "The Coanda Effect," keeping the ball aloft.

We non-scientists call this the "A Lot of Hot Air" effect.  Sure, Tiger was a great golfer, and won millions of dollars for doing that, and also somehow managed to rake in as much or more as a commercial spokesperson for Buick and Nike and Tag Heuer watches and American Express and Capt. Crunch, the cereal firm.  But all of a sudden, as fate likes to play it, right after he crashed his luxury ride into the luxury gate of his luxury house in Florida, the vacuum stopped putting out the hot air that kept the beach ball of his fame bouyant.  He has hardly played or won at any golf tournaments since, and of course his marriage went away and even though he made one televised apology, he still seems like the cold guy he's always been.

So Tige, as I like to call him, has found out what the problem is.  Just like a man whose car keeps breaking down usually blames it on the hubcaps, Eldrick "Tiger" Woods has fired his caddy. Here's the official word from tigerwoods.com: 

Tiger Woods announced Wednesday that he and caddie Steve Williams will not be working together in the future.
"I want to express my deepest gratitude to Stevie for all his help, but I think it's time for a change," Woods said. "Stevie is an outstanding caddie and a friend and has been instrumental in many of my accomplishments. I wish him great success in the future."
Presently, a replacement has not been named.
Woods continues to rest and rehabilitate his left leg. No decision has been made when he will return to competition on the PGA Tour. 

First, "presently" is not a word that means "currently."  It means "in a short time" or "soon."  As in, "Presently, Tiger will look for another excuse, but here's the one for today!"  Second, El Tigre has a lot of Titleists, wouldn't you say?  What a deft turn of phrase! What better way to say, "I fired a dude" than to say, "He and I won't be working together in the future." You wonder if he called the guy up and said "Start packing!" and the guy said, "Should I pack for someplace warm or someplace cool?" and Tiger says, "I don't care where you go; just start packing!" The caddy is the guy who hands him golf clubs and tells him where the next hole is and which tree provides great cover for a quick tinkle.  Surely, firing the caddy is the answer to Eldrick's problems, and I can only hope that he goes over to the Caddyshack and finds a suitable replacement.  

"This Cinderella story, this unknown..."
Perhaps Carl Spackler is available!

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