I Have to Go to Tinkletown to Powder My Nose in the Water Closet

Collectors of euphemisms - those easy-to-swallow words that we use in place of chunky, not-so-great words - have long thrilled to hearing old houses referred to as "existing homes," old cars as "pre-owned," and yesterday's unsold Wendy's Hamburgers as today's "chili".

Of course, there's always the story of President Harry Truman using the term "horse manure" to his wife's bridge club. And the horrified women protested to Mrs Truman, who said, "You don't know how long it took me to get him to use that word!"

We don't hardly ever go to the hospital for an "operation" any more. We go for a "procedure." Uncle Linus didn't get "drunk" last Thanksgiving before he fell into the rhododendrons; he was "three sheets to the wind," or "feeling no pain." The rhododendrons felt all the pain. And of course we don't have to urinate; we have to "see a man about a horse," or "shake hands with the governor."

Understood. But this latest one to catch my eyeballs really stands out.

The Maryland Lottery has some sort of way to lose twice now! There's a deal going on in which you mail in a certain amount of losing lottery tickets, so you can lose again, what with stamps costing almost a half a dollar nowadays.

But they don't call them "losing" lottery tickets! They are "non-winning" lottery tickets, according to this promotion.

Good day to you all, from the non-husband of Paris Hilton. And really, who isn't?