Saturday, July 17, 2010
Eleanor, gee, I think you're swell
If you remember the great sitcom "The Honeymooners," which starred "The Great One", Jackie Gleason ( a nickname he gave himself out of an overabundance of immodesty) you will recall Gleason, as Ralph, had a buddy named Norton. Any time trouble was afoot, or Ralph was up to hi-jinx, Ralph would bellow "Nahton!!!" in Brooklynese and his flustered sidekick would appear. To this day, if I hear or even read the name "Norton," I am strangely compelled to holler "Nahton!" And there seems to be nothing I can do about it. Last time we got a new computer, the guy was telling me about the anti-virus protection, and how it's a Norton product....and I'm going "Nahton!!!" and he looks at me like ?????
The sad thing is, it has cost me any chance I would have to run for the US Congress. You see, there is a delegate to that august body from DC by the name of Eleanor Holmes Norton, and I can promise you that if I were in Congress, and was sitting on the floor of the House during a crucial debate that would shape the ends of our national weal, and some other congressperson stood up and said, "I yield to the honorable representative from the District of Columbia, Eleanor Holmes Norton..." everyone in attendance, and watching on C-Span, would hear my dulcet tones yelling "Nahton!" It could not be avoided, and it might have caused some sort of national hubbub, so I just figured it was better not to run.
Other jobs I cannot do:
Deli clerk: because I am so literal as to be incapable of dealing with someone who asks for their salami to be sliced "medium thick to medium thin, but not too thin," as I recently heard someone say.
Bill O'Reilly's limo driver: because he wouldn't allow me to make any left turns!
Highrise window washer - because I tend to step back to assess my progress.
Fortune-cookie fortune writer: because I could never top "Help, I'm a prisoner in a Chinese bakery"
and I guess I can't hope to be an Attorney either, because during tense trials I'd be prone to sitting at the table coughing "Bull$h!t!" at someone's bogus testimony, or hollering "Oh you are so full of it!" to a judge who ruled against me.
Good thing I can retire in a few more years. My list of go-to job alternatives is dwindling rapidly!