All Rise!

Years ago, someone in his audience asked TV comic Steve Allen, "Do they get your show in Oakland?"

Quick as always, "Steverino" said, "They SEE my show in Oakland, but I'm not sure they GET it!"

This makes me wonder if they see American TV shows in other countries. Sure, they see those "Real Housewives of Omaha" and "ER" and all those Chicago shows and Law & Order and what-have-you, but I mean the day-to-day stuff like "Judge Lauren Lake" and "Judge Hatchett."

Lately I find myself dawdling over the breakfast dishes to see what sort of human drama is dragged out in front of those two women. Just the other morning, Lake handled the landmark case of a woman whose daughter dropped a dookie in her friend's swimming pool.  With her customary grace, she handed down a ruling that didn't even mention "Caddyshack," which would have been my go-to from the get-go.

And then the judicial wheel turned to the courtroom of Judge Hatchett, in which a guy named Omar was accused of bringing a meatloaf challenge to his workplace. The loaf was stuffed with ghost peppers, and the challenge was to survive eating it. One guy ate some, but was gripped with paroxysms of coughing that caused internal injuries. The meatloaf purveyor viewed all this with a certain amount of glee, even though his coworker was in the hospital for surgery and three weeks of recovery. Big fun, huh? Judge H threw the book at him - a judgement for the plaintiff to the tune of $5,000.

And remember, I have always told people who have nothing on their calendar for any random weekday morning or afternoon, the best free show in town is in your nearest District Court, where protestations of innocence rival the best theatrics of Gielgud and Barrymore (or Nicolas Cage, for you youngsters.) But what if people in distant lands can tune in and see our judge shows and form an impression that Americans are always running around deucing in the pool and creating foods to blow out their co-workers' esophagi?

America, where is our precious dignity?