Wrap it up

You do know why the kids love fast food, right? Just talking about the food here, not the toys or the playrooms or the cartoon characters. There's a little something in the food...

And they don't take these things lightly in Ireland. The Supreme Court over there in the Emerald Isle made an important ruling the other day.

No, it wasn't about abortion rights or health insurance or states' rights or anything like that. The Irish Supremes ruled that the bread on Subway subs has more in common with a Dunkin' Donut.

In a judgment published on Tuesday, the court ruled that the bread served at Subway, the sandwich chain that started here in the US and has now snaked its way around the world, could not in fact be defined as "bread" because of its high sugar content.

"I'll have a Deluxe BMT on Angelfood, please."

I love these.

I have no idea if the bread in foreign subs is of the same recipe as we get here. This whole thing started when Bookfinders Ltd, the people who hold the Subway franchise in Ireland, appealed a ruling, asking that their food be considered a staple.

"And for dessert, children, how about a Footlong Chicken & Bacon Ranch Melt?"

Over in Britain, they have something called a VAT - Value Added Tax - which draws a clear line between staples such as bread, tea, coffee, cocoa, milk and “preparations or extracts of meat or eggs” – and what they call “more discretionary indulgences”  -  ice-cream, chocolate, pastries, snack chips, popcorn and roasted nuts.

And the fine print of the law says the amount of sugar in bread “shall not exceed 2% of the weight of flour included in the dough”.

The Supreme Court ordered up a bunch of subs, one supposes, and analyzed the roll on the average Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki or Meatball Marinara. Those rolls had 5 times the permissible amount of sugar, or, as the court put it, “In this case, there is no dispute that the bread supplied by Subway in its heated sandwiches has a sugar content of 10% of the weight of the flour included in the dough.”

I tell you, my sandwich-loving friends, only a Supreme Court can get this serious about a Footlong Italian BMT:

“The argument depends on the acceptance of the prior contention that the Subway heated sandwich contains ‘bread’ as defined, and therefore can be said to be food for the purposes of the second schedule rather than confectionery,” Justice O'Donnell ruled. “Since that argument has been rejected, this subsidiary argument must fail.”

Subway replied to a query from the Guardian newspaper with this terse statement: “Subway’s bread is, of course, bread.”

You might also recall the commotion raised when some sharpie with a ruler found out that the footlong subs are 11" at most, or the 2014 imbroglio when Subway responded to a petition drive by removing a flour whitener known as azodicarbonamide from its baked goods. People didn't seem to worry about getting their adult minimum daily requirement of azodicarbonamide until they found out it was also used in yoga mats and carpet underlays.

So. Where do you wanna go for lunch?