Monday, April 8, 2019

Aw, shoot.

I love reading stories about my fellow Americans, people whose words and deeds come to mind at once any time our follies are being discussed.

And so often, I think of the great Roger Miller, the singer/songwriter of the 60s and 70s who once wrote a song with the words "My ears should burn when fools are talked about."

Time to meet today's fools! From Rogers, Arkansas, here are 50 year old Charles Ferris and 36-year-old Christopher Hicks, both recently under arrest for aggravated assault.

Not that that particular charge stands out in their town, I'm certain, but the circumstances of their arrests merit consideration by the gatekeepers at the Fools Hall Of Fame.

The two are neighbors down there, and a couple of Sundays ago, they were passing the time out on the deck hoisting a few brews when Ferris (left) came up with the idea to put on his bulletproof vest and have Hicks shoot him with a .22 rifle.

We'll hold up right here while you read that last sentence again.

Well sir, Ferris shot Hicks, he did, right in the chest. The shot left a red mark on Ferris's chest and he got madder than a hornet, so he handed the vest to Hicks and...stick with me...shot Hicks in the back, "unloading the clip"  - five more rounds - on him, according to the local police.

Hicks was bruised, but that was about it for injuries.

Apparently, Ferris was the brains of this operation, and when police responded to the local hospital about it all, he initially clammed up about the whole deal, but then came up with a story about how he got shot while trying a protect a mystery man he called an "asset." Unfamiliar with pay rates for international bodyguards, he said he was paid $200 to keep the man safe.

Ferris's wife Leslie, who was the one who took Charles to the hospital because his chest hurt because he had his friend shoot him there because he ain't entirely bright, told the police everything, once she figured it all out.

Charles, always quick on his feet, had told police he didn't want his wife to know he had been in a gun fight, even though he asked her to take him to the hospital because he was shot in a gun fight because, well, you know why.

Both men were arrested over aggravated assault, a Class D felony. Both were freed on $5,000 bail, and ordered not to speak to each other.

That will give them extra time to study up for the MENSA exam.

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