Out For Nothing

I will admit, I used to watch
Steven Seagal movies. Almost all of his chop-socky movies had three words in the title ("Above The Law," "Out For Justice," "Hard To Kill," "On Deadly Ground") in much the same fashion as Robert Ludlum books ("The Bourne Identity," "The Bourne Supremacy," "The Bourne Ultimatum," "The Apocalypse Watch"). As cultural touchstones, Ludlum often seemed like John Grisham with higher goals, but Seagal couldn't even act as well as Jean-Claude "The Muscles From Brussels" Van Damme.  Although, you had to hand it to the people who made his movies, who made it seem perfectly natural that the hero could walk into a liquor store being held up by 17 bandits, and the bad guys would line up to be beaten down one at a time. I mean, it wouldn't be fair for two or three of them to jump Seagal at once, would it? Someone's toupee might get knocked off.

Well, the 90s were fun, weren't they? All the malls had multiplex movie theaters so we could sit in rooms the size of your history classroom and watch movies where the whole world gangs up on Seagal, and he emerges victorious after all. But he hasn't been big box office since Clinton was president, so he turned his considerable skills to music and being a volunteer honorary deputy sheriff for a reality tv show.

And now, with the world situation more parlous than ever, a nation, yea, the entire world, turns its lonely eyes to Steven Frederic Seagal for help, and now Russia has appointed him as a "special representative" on US-Russian humanitarian ties, according to Russia's Ministry of Foreign Affairs.

Yes. Russia. The nation led by Vladimir Putin. That Russia.

Seagal's role is supposed to be to promote US-Russia relations "in the humanitarian sphere," and the statement adds that the role will include collaboration "in the sphere of culture, public and youth exchanges."

Magical hair restoration

This might come as a shock to the actor, but this is another unpaid job, and he doesn't even get to ride around in a patrol car.

Seagal has been a Russian citizen since 2016, and attended his buddy Vlad's swearing-in ceremony in May. Ever the brilliant statesman with incisive insight into world matters, he defends Putin against allegations of meddling in our elections, telling Piers Morgan on the British ITV network's "Good Morning Britain" last year, "For anyone to think that Vladimir Putin had anything to do with fixing the elections, or even that the Russians have that kind of technology, is stupid.And this kind of propaganda is really a diversion ... so that the people in the United States of America won't really see what's happening, " he added.

In the interview, Seagal also praised Putin as "a great world leader" and a "brilliant tactician."

He must be! He got Steven Seagal to spread his propaganda for no salary.