Milk it for all it's worth

Back in the day, when I started first grade, we were on split shifts, so I slumped into class in the afternoon. We did not have a lunch break, but something called "milk and cookie time" to hold us over between lunch and supper.

The "cookie" part of the deal was graham crackers, every single day, in a wax paper envelope. Graham crackers as a snack is somewhere between tree bark and brie spread on a baguette, but it beats no snack at all.

The milk was delivered every morning around 3, it would seem, and stored in the metal boxes they used to have before switching to plastic dairy boxes. And every day, the milkman would put it right on the heater vent over by the window, so that when time for our little break rolled around, it was slightly above room temperature.

Despite repeated requests for soda or orange juice or even prune juice, for crying out loud, we got milk, warm milk, and that was that.

So it is that today, some six decades on, I will only drink milk if it so cold that little flecks of ice are forming on the surface. And I haven't had a graham cracker since Eisenhower was around.

And, only cow's milk for me, please. I watch and wonder as people break their necks to load up on soy "milk" and almond "milk," and finally, someone is stepping in to bring sanity back to our Barney Rubble drinking glasses.

Yes, the Food and Drug Administration has plans to enforce a federal standard that defines “milk” as coming from the “milking of one or more healthy cows.” Up until now, the FDA has allowed almond-squeezers and soy-mashers to bottle the plant juice they come up with and call it milk, which is sort of like taking some old mistletoe and calling it a steak, instead of its real designation ("kissin' cabbage").

That would be a change for the agency, which has not aggressively gone after the proliferation of plant-based drinks labeled as “milk.”

“The question becomes, have we been enforcing our own standard of identity,” FDA Commissioner Scott Gottlieb said about “milk” at an event the other day. “The answer is probably not.”

You hear about these arguments involving those who make our food and those who try to keep it properly labeled and healthy. What's real mayonnaise? they ask. Is frozen yogurt really yogurt? Where is the ham in a hamburger?

Gottlieb says it will be about a year before all this gets sorted out, and
even then he expects lawsuits and commotion, since you can find dictionary definitions that says milk is either from a lactating animal or a nut.

Mmmmm....no.

Gottlieb said the agency expects to get sued, since dictionary definitions are broader and say milk comes from a lactating animal or a nut.

That's a bit harsh. I don't care if the dairy farmer is a little off in the bean, just keep that good old moo juice coming my way, please.