Read this to the very end and I promise you'll pheel like laffing

In the tony Georgetown section of Washington D.C., a bank teller whom we'll identify for now as "Mr Davis" has pleaded guilty to a 
federal felony count that could see him counted among the felons in a federal prison. 

Davis is 29 and might be significantly older by the time he sees good food again. And to think, it all began when a homeless guy walked into his bank branch with more than $185,000 in cash.  

Which was in a trash bag.

The man was a street vendor, known by many in the neighborhood where the Wells Fargo branch was located.  He wanted to deposit the money, which was his right, since it was his.

Davis had other plans, and he opened a new (but fraudulent) account by faking the man's signature. Then, he set up an ATM card with a PIN number and everything.

And he set up an email account so he could log on to online banking as the homeless guy. Davis then reactivated a long-dormant account that the man opened years ago, and siphoned $3,000 from that account to open the new one.

The court filings do not specify whether or not Davis got a free set of steak knives or highball glasses for opening the new account.

No one seems to know how the homeless man came to possess almost a fifth of a million dollars, but that is none of the business of the bank anyway. When reporters covering the case asked Davis's attorney about the provenance of the small fortune, the mouthpiece, Bruce Allen Johnson Jr., said, "That’s the million-dollar question." 

Slight exaggeration, but perhaps he was adding in his fees.

Anyhow, Davis did all this chicanery in 2014, and the court papers say that over the next two years, he transferred $177,400 between the customer’s accounts, withdrew $185,440, made himself a federal criminal by crossing the line from DC into Maryland to squeeze money out of the guy's accounts at suburban ATMs.

Davis used the loot to treat himself to a down payment on a new house, clear up old debts, and send himself on gala vacations to  Aruba, Jamaica, the Dominican Republic and Mexico.

So, having copped a plea, Davis has agreed to pay the money back and will likely do 18-30 months in Federal PMITA Prison.

Johnson The Attorney told reporters that Davis "greatly regrets the decisions he made and is dedicated to doing everything he can to make it right, including restitution. He is putting everything aside to repay the money and do what he can to repair what he’s done to his name, his reputation and to the victim."

That little sincere speech would be my favorite part of this whole deal, except for the fact that Davis's first name is Phelon.