Glug glug glug

Our newspaper delivery person gets here when she doggone well gets around to it, we get mail maybe every other day if we're lucky (my December 14, 2020 New Yorker magazine arrived on January 22, 2021) and we have half a nation getting news from a former crackhead pillow salesman, but we still can count on a nice refreshing drink of cold clean water right out of the tap, can't we?

Maybe in most places, but have you heard about Oldsmar, Florida? That's where a hacker with plenty of time and lotion on his hands was actually able to hack into the water treatment plant. He tried to raise the amount of sodium hydroxide in the town's water from 100 parts per million to 11,100 parts per million.

Sodium hydroxide is also known as LYE. It's used to reduce acidity in water, but it's also found in soap and drain cleaner, so you really don't want to make your tea with it. Obviously it's bad for you; it can cause irritation, burns and other complications.

Oldsmar is about 15 miles northwest of Tampa and because of that alert supervisor, the city’s 15,000 residents were not at risk.

Pinellas County Sheriff Bob Gualtieri told a news conference Monday that the supervisor noticed the intrusion into the computer system and was able to stop the hack before a drop of water was poisoned. “At no time was there a significant adverse effect on the water being treated,” Gualtieri said. “Importantly, the public was never in danger.”

I guess it's important to have remote access to the computer that runs the water treatment system.  The town has disabled that system and they say there were other safeguards in place to stop someone from messing things up, but you know...

Tarah Wheeler is a Cybersecurity Fellow at the Harvard Kennedy School Belfer Center, and she wisely points out that it would be good for every city and town to make sure no one without authorization can befoul municipal water.

“The systems administrators in charge of major civilian infrastructure like a water treatment facility should be securing that plant like they’re securing the water in their own kitchens,” Wheeler said.  “Sometimes when people set up local networks, they don’t understand the danger of an improperly configured and secured series of internet-connected devices. It is not necessarily wrong or insecure to set up a system for remote access and monitoring.”

We like to think that it would take many complex steps to prevent someone from adjusting the amount of poison in our water. I mean, unless you have your own reservoir or something.

Just put in on my bill

As if 2020 was not bad enough (and it was!), the animal kingdom is still acting all '20-ish, and that's not good.

The bird world is all mixed up now. It's penguins that live in Antarctica, and now a pelican from Florida got caught up in storm winds and wound up in Connecticut, for crying out loud (and I'm sure it was!) Connecticut is sort of Antarctica South at this time of year, anyway.

This little guy's name is Arvy. He's back in steamy FLA now, having been treated for pneumonia and frostbite, poor fella.

“He is a Southern bird, he is not supposed to be north of the Carolinas and Virginia,” Carolina Young, spokesperson for the Florida sanctuary, told the Register. “I’m sure he was in shock when he was in that river.”

And so would we all!

Pelicans, of course, don't normally hang in the Northeastern US, but Arvy was lucky enough to have been found and taken to a bird rehabilitation facility in Killingworth, Connecticut.

‘So when Arvy first arrived, this poor bird couldn’t even stand, couldn’t lift his head,” Christine Cummings, president of A Place Called Hope, told the TV news up in CT.

Ms Cummings stuck around with the lost bird 24-7 for all 7, giving him fluids and food every three hours for a week. She knew he was all right when she realized he was gobbling 4 pounds of fish every day with his 11-inch bill.

I went to a seafood joint down by the docks and the waiter brought me an 11-inch bill, but anyway.

“Arvy looks good!” said Stephanie Franczak, the sanctuary’s hospital director. “His frostbite is minimal, but he has some wicked pneumonia from the cold. We will be providing fluid therapy, nebulizing treatments and supportive care while he is with us.”

Volunteer Sky Kings gave Arvy a lift back to the Sunshine State and a spot at Busch Wildlife Sanctuary in Jupiter, Florida, one-time home of Mr. Burt Reynolds. He will keep rehabbing until he's ready to be released back to the wild.

If I were he, I would take my time...

Fly Me To The Moon Trees

One of the many problems facing developers of new housing developments these days, as always, is choosing names for all these new streets. Over the years, they have trended to

• English-sounding names like Coventry Wy and Duke of Windsor Court
• Names from nature such as Oak Tree Rd, River Wy and so forth
• Names of the developer's children or grandchildren - e.g. Valerie Ann Avenue or Mable Jean Drive

So here I am, always a friend to commerce, with an idea for a new street name:

Moon Tree Place

I almost forgot about this, it happened so long ago, but NASA's trips to the moon were about a whole lot more than planting the flag and hitting golf balls! In the Apollo 14 mission, as Alan Shepard and Edgar Mitchell roamed the lunar surface, the third astronaut, Stuart Roosa, hovered above the moon in the command module, with hundreds of tree seeds packed along with a change of socks and underwear.

Roosa started off with 500 seeds for different tree species, with the same amount left behind for control purposes, but someone didn't close the Tupperware firmly enough, and some of the space seeds were contaminated. But, the remainder took 34 loops around the moon and came home to be planted all around the world.

NASA calls them “Moon Trees,” and about 83 of them are still alive - all but three in the US (two in South America and one in Europe).  Among them, you'll find redwoods, Douglas firs, sycamores, sweet gums, and loblolly pines.

Below, see a sycamore planted in 1975 at Mississippi State University. You see those little green men in the tree, don't you? DON'T YOU???

Some years ago, ex-astronaut David Williams set out to take a census of the trees. He began with a list of 22 Moon Trees, wound up finding 80, but also found that 21 died. He believes that they died of natural earthly causes that had nothing to do with their time in the lunar atmosphere. 

I would like to set forth the notion that it's obvious that many people walking around breathing earth air today have spent time on the moon. For further details, just look at any local or national news broadcast.

Rocky

Johnny Cash celebrated America's Bicentennial in 1976 by singing a song about a Cadillac that was acquired "One Piece At A Time." The hero of the story worked at the plant where they built those road hogs, and by walking out of the factory with a different car part every day, over the years he had enough to build his own Caddy. 

At about the same time, a story went around about a factory that was concerned about employee pilferage. The legend had it that employees were pushing wheelbarrows filled with stolen goods covered with sawdust out the gates and taking stuff home. So the bosses cracked down, and every worker pushing a barrow out the door at quitting time had to go through Checkpoint Charlie. Uniformed guards sifted through whatever was in the hamper before allowing the men to go home.

It worked great! At the end of the year, thefts of materials and tools were down to almost nothing! But they were short 32,945 wheelbarrows.

Well, we don't know if all that's true, but I can tell you a real one about a French mailman and his free palace...

Back in 1879, French rural postman Ferdinand Cheval, rural postman, 43 at the time, stumbled over a weird-looking stone as he strolled along, delivering coupons for Le Bed Bath et Beyond. It dawned on him that he had a dream of building his own place, so he took the rock home and then made a point of taking a million other ones too over the years. For the next 33 years, he builds his palace just the way he dreamed it, and his inspiration came from nature that he saw on his route, and postcards and magazines that he read.

I KNEW it!  They read postcards and magazines!

His route was 18 miles on foot every day! And he took a wheelbarrow to carry the mail and the stones he picked up. He finished building the palace in 1912 and made a proud inscription “The work of one man” where all could see. Neighbors and friends were so proud! It's known as "Le Palais Idéal" and it's 85 feet long and 33 feet high.  Next time you're in Lyon, drive south 30 miles, and there it is!

And only the skeptics were the ones wondering where he got all that mortar to build that French Mahal.

Sunday Rerun: They used to call "making out" "necking" and now they don't even call it "making out" anymore

 I have nothing against tattoos, in case you were asking.  Adorn your skin as you see fit, but all I ask is that you ignore my guffaw at "TOUCH OF CLASS" tramp stamps. Meanwhile, I've always planned to have "I'm the only hell my mother ever raised" emblazoned on my bicep, so who am I to judge?

However.  Teardrop tattoos just below the eyes generally mean something not-so-great about the wearer.  Either the person has been in jail, or has been involved in a murder, or has lost a loved one in a violent manner: those are the reasons behind most tattletale teardrop tats.

Looks good on you, though!

Add to that the word MURDER in ALL CAPS around your neck, and you have the visual presented by Mr Jeffrey Wade Chapman, who is about to stand trial in Barton County, Kansas for the 2011 murder of Damon Galliart.  Represented by Attorney Kurt Kerns, Chapman is appealing to the court out there to allow the jail where he currently sits in stir to send over a tattoo artist to remove the MURDER word from his neck.

So, there it is: A man on trial for murder who once went to a tattoo guy to have the word MURDER etched into his body now does not want a jury to see the word MURDER on his body, for fear that they will convict him of murder because of it.

The State of Kansas says they don't care what he does about it, knowing full well that local sheriff Brian Bellendir knows a) that under state law, a tattoo artist can only practice at a licensed facility, b) the local hoosegow is not a licensed facility and c) there is no way on God's green earth that the county will take Chapman on a field trip to get his neck cleared up.

No one has been executed in Kansas since 1965, although the state still does maintain a death penalty law, with the prescribed method being lethal injection.  There was a time when all executions in The Sunflower State were by hanging, leading me - a a death penalty opponent but also an opponent of murder and having MURDER tattooed on one's neck - to suggest that if Chapman has any sense of humor, he will have "PLACE ROPE HERE" written on the back of his neck. 

The Saturday Picture Show, February 6, 2021

The wait is over. You're (insert age here) years old and up until this very day, you have never seen a picture of a baby flamingo. Well now! Here you go!

Every schoolkid knows that a wasp chews paper to make a nest. Well now, what would happen to that nest if some scientist fed the wasps colored construction paper? We think it would look something like...this.

How to weigh a koala.

I might Scream if I don't get a worried pickle on my next burger!

At first glance, you think, what's up with this pharmacist? Nasty! But all he meant was for the patient to discuss the proper amount of medicine per dose with the prescribing physician.

There is a motel by this name just up the road a piece from us, and I have to think there is a King's Court motel in just about every town in America. I always love reading the signs as we race by. They advertise "Free HBO" and "Inn-Room Coffee" and "New Sheets Monthly - No Extra Charge!"

Today's quiz - you've seen this picture many times, but from another angle. Where in the heck are we?

I must have had a couple dozen red bandanas over the years, and I can name almost that many uses for them. One is, you can make a bindle. And another is, you can tell your friends what a bindle is!

The Domino Sugar neon sign, long a sweet way to say Hello Baltimore, is coming down this spring. It will be replaced with one of those fancy new LED dudes like I did with my flashlights, and they say it will be in place by the 4th of July!

Someone with a needle set, some silver wire, and infinite patience decided to weave herself a silver neck chain. Bet that took a while! 
 

Oh, behave!

It's been quite a year for this country singer Morgan Wallen, a broth of a lad (he's 27) from out of Sneedville, Tennessee. Last May he celebrated his birth month by getting arrested in a bar for disorderly conduct, although in all fairness, the bar in question is known as Kid Rock's Big Ass Honky Tonk Rock N' Roll Steakhouse.

I think we can all agree that "Kid Rock's Big Ass" is a suitable name for this elegant bistro.

Then, having spent a summer doing who knows what, Country Music's Next Big Thing got a chance that other people would give their left one for - being the musical guest on Saturday Night Live. Sure as you're born, he went to a bar in Tuscaloosa, Alabama after a Crimson Tide game, got all lit up and wound up in videos canoodling maskless with a bevy of Tammie Sues and Vonda Kays, videos that caused Lorne Michaels to tell him, "Don't call us; we'll call you." He got his second shot and did well on the show, even appearing in a skit lampooning his ill behavior, and promising to be better.

And now this latest. Last weekend, Wallen came from his usual book club salon and called one of his associates the N word.  According to a video shot by a neighbor who was probably not surprised to find Morgan outside late at night behaving in a contumacious manner,  "Take care of this "p*ssy-a** m*ther**ker" -," Wallen says, later howling "take care of this p*ssy-a** n***er" ," in reference to one of the people with his group.

And then, of course, the boilerplate response crafted by his overworked press person:

"I'm embarrassed and sorry. I used an unacceptable and inappropriate racial slur that I wish I could take back. There are no excuses to use this type of language, ever. I want to sincerely apologize for using the word. I promise to do better."

Last year, Wallen was named best new country artist by iHeartRadio.

This week, iHeartRadio removed his songs from their stations, as did most of the other radio chains.

And Big Loud, his record company, suspended indefinitely his recording contract "in light of recent events."  

Listen, I'm no psychoanalyst, but you don't have to be Freud to realize this fellow is, as someone said the other day, fighting with both arms to ruin his career and his life. The only bright note in all this is is that (so far) he hasn't come out with the "This is not who I am" excuse, because a drunken racist lout is what he is, at least as of right now. 

Maybe he will decide to stop being that sort of person, maybe he won't.

Maybe he doesn't want to stop.

But there is one sure thing in the world: if Morgan Waller doesn't want to take the money and success that are on the table for him, there will be someone who will.

Fine with me

Did you ever have a task or errand that you just kept putting off and putting off...for 82 years?

This takes place in Nova Scotia, Canada, where someone returned a book that someone else borrowed in 1939 - the same year that Lily Tomlin and Francis Ford Coppola were born, for reference.

The book is "The Adventures of Doctor Dolittle" by Hugh Lofting, and what happened is, a homeowner found it in his attic and thought he'd better make sure it got back to where it once belonged.

The Cape Breton Regional Library was glad to see it come home.

Jordan Muscyscyn bought a 100-year-old house, and thought, "You know what this bathroom needs? A fan!" And so he cut a hole through the ceiling, into the attic, and there was a trove of old books stashed away long ago.

And Musycsyn said that the Dolittle book had library markings, so he figured it ought to go back. It even had the withdrawal card from 1939.

He thought it best to get it back because he "wouldn't want to know what the fine on an 82-year-old overdue book would be."

Well, it turns out that branch from which this book was borrowed burned down in 1959, so actually, keeping it safe in an attic saved the book from the fiery fate of  its fellow tomes.

Nicole MacGibbon of the Cape Breton Regional Library pulled out her calculator to tote up the fees and fines...

"Assuming a charge of 15 cents a day, if we had charged a late fee, it would have amounted to about $3,000," MacGibbon said.

She said they are trying to catch up with the girl who originally took the book out in 1939 - the year that Hitler invaded Poland, mind you - to find out how the book came to be hidden up in the attic.

If she's smart, she will admit to nothing.

This we believe

 Other than it being Peggy's birth month, February is no favorite month for me.

For one thing, for 28 days (sometimes 29) we have to hear people mispronounce the name of the month, which is FEBrooary, not FEBuary. Sorry to be punctilious about it, but Mrs Rennie insisted on us saying it properly in 4th grade, and I shall not let her down now. 

What's more, no one seems to stumble over "May" or "October," so let's give Feb a little love. It's Valentine's month, after all (known in Baltimore as "Valentime's Day," but anyway.

No, here's the thing with February. I have friends from other places around the world, and every year around this time I get texts and emails asking if we really truly believe that what some groundhog sees on February 2 is an accurate prognostication of the weather for the next month and a half.

I mean, if you read that some remote villagers thousands of miles removed from what we laughingly call "civilization" took a rodent out of his habitat, gave him a human male name, and held him up before lights and camera and the rising sun, and then decided that he did or did not see his shadow, and stated that the weather for the next six weeks had some relevance to the beast's shadow, you would shake your head.

Folklore it is, and I wouldn't even fuss about it, except that it comes in a time in our nation's history that people who can vote, drive, own property and hold office are awash in other folklore - "JFK Jr is really alive!" "You can drop nuclear weapons on hurricanes to blunt their damaging effects!" "School shootings didn't happen!" "Wildfires in California were started by Jewish space lasers" "No one should make money by shorting stocks except for established capitalist entities" and "Benjamin Franklin was the only president of the United States who was never president of the United States."

All right, I stole the last one from Firesign Theater. But when my international friends, who still can't believe that Sonny Bono used to be a US Congressman, ask me about the others, I'm just going to be Greene with envy.

 

The Devil You Say

As opposed to how we see him on the Looney Tunes cartoons, the Tasmanian devil actually exists, and is a carnivorous marsupial of the family Dasyuridae.

You remember that family. They lived around the corner and they had that one kid who wouldn't come out of the house to play. He slept in the grocery cart while his mom shopped, and the other kids called him "Waffle Face."

With my basic knowledge of zoology, I know that carnivores are meat eaters, and marsupials are like kangaroos in that the mother totes them around in a pouch. And from my basic knowledge of theology, I can tell you with assurance that something named the devil is not something you want to be around.

This devil got his start in Australia, but couldn't get along with the neighbors and wound up on the island of Tasmania.

That's all we used to know about these creepy critters...their terrifying screams, their fierce way of chowing down on whatever they felt like...but now we know they GLOW in the DARK!

Researchers at Toledo Zoo in Ohio discovered that the Tas Devil lights up like a police car with a drunk driver ahead of it when exposed to ultraviolet light.

I must have cut Biology the day they talked about this, but it's called biofluorescence. Some organisms can absorb and re-emit blue light as other even more vibrant colors. Animals and others who can do this have proteins in their skin that soak up the sun and glow like Joseph's amazing dreamcoat.

Not so long ago, the zoo staff discovered that wombats and platypuses (platypi?) had the gift of glow, so they just had to put the devil under the glow light to check him out, and yes! He did.

A full report on just why people in a zoo were holding a UV light up to their animals is forthcoming, I'm sure.

Anyway, under the blue light, the Tasmanian Devil's snout, eyes, and inner ears turned blue.

In a previous experiment in an apple orchard near my childhood, I ate six green apples and turned six shades of green. 

Biofluorescence is not unheard of in the animal world, most commonly occurring in deep-sea marine creatures who use the light to attract prey.

It is yet to be determined whether the interesting trait serves an ecological purpose in Tasmanian devils or if they are simply blessed with natural selfie lighting.

Who can predict?

 I'm writing this two nights ago!  By which I mean, it's Friday, January 29, and the weekend weather forecast calls for snow beginning sometime on Sunday the 31st, changing to sleet and freezing rain sometime Sunday evening, and then changing back to snow on Monday, the whole mess ending on Tuesday morning.

There are two possible outcomes, and let's see what happens.  

• It happens a lot that a weather system comes in from the north or the west or the south and pushes the snow further east, which means we get bupkis for snow, maybe a little slush on the road and that's all. This leads to disappointed kids, who wanted a chance finally to use their sleds, annoying the devil out of their parents, who desperately wanted their kids to use their sleds.  And of course, the TV meteorologists come in for abuse, when people who are willing to risk good money on casino gambling, the state lottery, and buying Chevrolets, howl to the wind when the best educated prognostications about the weather go wrong.    
  
  
  
• - OR -
• By the time you're reading this, it's snowing like what Admiral Byrd's polar expedition went through, the wind is what is howling, the kids (and lots of parents) are out flying around on their PAMed-up saucer sleds, grocers are already announcing spot shortages of bread, milk, toilet paper, and PAM, and either way, the world still goes on.

They're calling for temperatures of almost 50° by the end of the week. Tomorrow is Groundhog Day, and many of us are sure that what a rodent sees when he pops out of his hog hole will predict the weather for the next six weeks.

What hath science wrought?

Sunday Rerun: Take me out

 Today's stories are from the world of baseball, but they really don't have as much to do with the sport as they do with the way people act (as opposed to the way they ought to act!)

The Liberty Bell tattoo is not your pass to annoy
everyone from here to Valley Forge

Story The First took place in Philadelphia, the town where Santa Claus was pelted with snowballs during a football game.  As the Phillies were playing the Giants, a leather-lunged fan sitting behind home plate was hollering at umpire Bob Davidson, apparently suggesting that the ump had something in common with an industrial vacuum cleaner. For six innings, the verbal assault continued, loudly enough to be heard all over the ballpark, and Davidson fixed things by calling time out and signalling to security in the stands that it was time to send this "fan" to the shower.

The shame.

Story The Second comes from Cincinnati, where the Cardinals were taking on the hometown Reds.  Reds first baseman Joey Votto went over to the stands to try for a foul popup, only to be blocked by a hometown fan getting in the way.  Before returning to his position, Votto took time to grab the man's Reds shirt to emphasize where his loyalty ought to lie, and then shook his head balefully.

The Phila story wraps up with the (apparently) intoxicated fan being given the gate, waving his arms and displaying a real red neck as he departed to the applause of other fans in the area.

In Cincy, Votto autographed a ball for the pushy fan, inscribing it with "Thanks for being so understanding when I acted out of character."  Then they posed for a selfie and everyone went home happy.

In both of these cases, we see illustrated one of the basic problems of today's society: that "It's all about ME" attitude that makes everyone think they can be involved in everything just because they WANT to be.  Short and clumsy?  Demand a place on the basketball team anyway!  Can't walk without tripping over linoleum?  Get out there and dance your pants off! Not enough grazing land for your cow? Occupy federal land and just take all the acres you need! Can't pronounce "Tanzania"? Run for the highest office in the land anyway!

You wouldn't like it so much if you went to a classical music concert and some joker two rows ahead pulled out a harmonica and began honking away to the Rondo Alla Turca. Out for an evening of fine cuisine, you do not expect someone's cousin from Kankakee to go to the kitchen, elbow the chef aside, and prepare your ricotta and asparagus quiche, nor would you want the dining room to be fouled with the colorful billingsgate of the loading dock.

Simply stated, the people sitting near the contumacious Phillies fan paid their way in and deserve to enjoy a ballgame without his profane word-assault.  And the people watching the Reds game want to see Joey Votto play baseball, not you.  

Just enjoy the game, be it baseball, Parcheesi, or life itself. 

The Saturday Picture Show, January 30, 2021

 

Sure, we know that camels can go for miles and hours without water, but I didn't know they were so strong that they could pull this much weight. 

This person did not pay attention (got to be a man!) to his  mother saying, "Stop playing with your food!"

Dairy Queen coupons! They have to be available on line, but here's one up on the billboard, and someone is ready to slice! Of course, they ran this special to salute incoming SCOTUS Justice Amy Cone Barrett.

Ah, so sweet, the sight of a country road. It's just begging for hikers!

Here's a truck spill that no one will Snicker over...it's two tons of chocolate all over the interstate.

Baby Platypus says hello!

In 1982, we all foresaw a future in which every office worker could tune in to their story or their game show or "Bewitched" reruns on their watch. Now, you can see it all on the phone and we still complain there's nothing on.

Here's a town (I can't find out where this is though) whose Parks And Recreation people are smart enough to put park benches on tiny tracks so they can be moved, depending on whether the sitters with sunshine or shade.

We can't be sure of when this was sculpted, nor can we say with certainty that Roman rats of the first or second century actually played the trumpet. If they did, did they take lessons? And where did they find the tiny trumpets?

Next time you pack up the pack in your minivan and schlep them all to 17 different locations, just think of this mother gharial. Gharials, or fish-eating crocodiles, have developed a system for transporting their young down the river, and you can bet that at least one of them is kicking her right now!

As George Carlin said, "How can you be a guest and a host at the same time?"

I'm sad to see that the Packers won't be in the Super Bowl, because that means that the Buccaneers will, and that means even more exposure to the irksome Tom Brady. But that gives the Packers' quarterback,  Aaron Rodgers, time to take a turn as a host on "Jeopardy!" 

In 2015, Aaron appeared on a celebrity edition of the show - the version we non-brainiacs like because the questions are much simpler ("This baseball team wears pinstriped uniforms and plays their home games in Yankee Stadium"). He let that cat out of its bag on a TV show a couple of weeks back, although he wasn't supposed to say anything about it.

A "Jeopardy!'' spokesperson, asked to verify all this, declined to, saying that nothing about future guest hosts has been made official in the wake of Alex Trebek's passing.

"I may have jumped the gun a little bit, so I apologize to 'Jeopardy!' if they wanted to announce it," Rodgers said. "I just got so excited on the show earlier. It just went down the last couple of days, us figuring it out. It is very exciting. It's for the offseason. We'll be even more excited when that opportunity gets a little closer, but, man, the show has been so special to me over the years. It's been a staple at my house here in Green Bay for the last 16 years -- 6 o'clock watching Alex [Trebek] and trying to get as many questions as I can."

After a long battle with cancer, Alex Trebek died on November 8. But Rodgers recalls, "When the opportunity came up [for 'Celebrity Jeopardy!'] in 2015, I mean that was a dream come true -- it really was -- to be on there," Rodgers said. "To get to meet Alex was just such a special moment, and we're all obviously sad about his passing.

"There's this nostalgic connection to certain figures in our life based on our childhood and where we were at and the times we had those memories, it almost makes these people feel like family, like you know them."

Rodgers puts Trebek in really high company, comparing meeting him to the times he met legendary sportscasters Keith Jackson, Dan Fouts, Pat Summerall, and John Madden.

"We all have so much love and affection, I think, for what [Trebek] meant for that half hour, that 22 minutes of our lives on a daily basis for those of us who were big fans of the show," Rodgers said. "So to be able to be a guest host is really, really special for me, and I can't wait for the opportunity."

I'll take NFL quarterbacks for $500, please:

This Golden Bear from Chico, California, sets high "marx" for passing every season.

Sometimes it's hard to believe we live in the same country

I understand that a lot of people like to hunt. I do too, but my hunting involves looking for a copy of Bob Greene's book about Alice Cooper, "Billion Dollar Baby," for less than a hundred bucks. It was a great story about how Greene, before he launched into his habit of despoiling young women who came to him for career advice, actually toured with and performed in Alice's show. 

But others enjoy putting on their camo gear and trooping out into the woods to shoot at deer who have the day off from running into cars on back roads, and that's fine. Whatever you like. 

But if you move to Oklahoma, "where the wind comes sweeping down the plain...Where the waving wheat can sure smell sweet when the wind comes right behind the rain..." you can strap on the Timberlands and go hunting for Bigfoot! That's right. One lawmaker down there wants to issue Bigfoot hunting licenses and set up a Bigfoot hunting season.

 But leave your rifle behind, because they don't want you shooting Sasquatch, the apey critter who is said to strut through the forests of North America JUST AS PEOPLE HAPPEN TO HAVE THEIR CAMERA READY and leave man-size footprints. They don't want him shot. They just want to make money from people who think he might be alive.

“I want to be really clear that we are not going to kill Bigfoot,” says state Rep. Justin Humphrey, a Republican. “We are going to trap a live Bigfoot. We are not promoting killing Bigfoot. We are promoting hunting Bigfoot, trying to find evidence of Bigfoot.”

However, here is what the bill directs the Oklahoma Wildlife Conservation Commission to do: Create rules, dates, license and fees “establishing a big foot (sic) hunting season.”

By the way, the word Oklahoma comes from the Choctaw words okla and humma, meaning "red people."

There must be plenty of extra money sitting around in Oklahoma, because Humphrey says he wants to put up a $25,000 bounty for someone who traps the cryptid (a being whose very existence is rumored, but unsubstantiated, such as Tiffany Trump.)

In fact, don't book a room at the Broken Arrow Motel 6 just yet. "We use science-driven research, and we don’t recognize Bigfoot in the state of Oklahoma,” Micah Holmes of the Oklahoma Department of Wildlife Conservation told a local news station down there. Holmes says the bill would make them create a new season and a new license for something chimerical (see Tiffany Trump). 

But look at how many tourists and hunters will come on down there, counters Humphrey!

“Having a license and a tag would give people a way to prove they participated in the hunt,” Humphrey told KFOR. “Again, the overall goal is to get people to our area to enjoy the natural beauty and to have a great time, and if they find Bigfoot while they’re at it, well hey, that’s just an even bigger prize.” 

If you recognize the name Justin Humphrey, it might be from the time in 2017 when he put forth a law making it illegal for a woman to have an abortion without the father's consent. He used the term "host" for pregnant women.

Cowboy hat, check. Bolo tie, check.

So he's 0 for 2 in the "good idea" category.

The 3MMM

 Since so many people tell me I need some good advice, I never miss the "Ask Amy" column in the Baltimore SUN, written by Amy Dickinson.  I always like to compare my imaginary answers to her real ones, and I notice that she rarely suggests to her correspondents that they simply "knock it the hell off."

But the other day, she shared a letter from David Thoele, M.D, a pediatrician from Chicago. In order to help his patients deal with stress and anxiety, so prevalent during these times of COVID-19 and its attendant concerns, he suggests that they keep a journal, and he recommends what he calls he "Three Minute Mental Makeover - the 3MMM. 

To do the 3MMM, write:

• Three things you are grateful for, and be specific ("My dog when she wags her tail," "My dad when he bakes cookies.")
• The story of your life in six words (example: "Born, School, Work, Work, Work, Work.")
• Three wishes (Pretend you have a magic lamp. List your wishes.)

I am going to do this, and I can promise you that my answer for the second question won't have nearly as many mentions of the word "work."

I'd love to see your answers!

Cheeky

 There's an old expression that says, "Man is the only animal that laughs, and has a state legislature." I always figured that the former was because of the latter. Maryland's state legislature is always full of embarrassment for the entire state and we don't need any more of that. This latest episode, which features a male delegate who has been in plenty of trouble before telling a female state delegate that she is more attractive than another female who previously testified, is the sort of thing that makes good people cringe and shake their heads.

Cringing is sort of like blushing, and as Mark Twain put it, "Man is the only animal that blushes, or needs to." I know that we humans like to ascribe human characteristics to animals - they call that anthropomorphism - but I am fairly certain that dogs don't smile and cats don't laugh and giraffes don't cry at sad movies and alligators don't register joy and iguanas don't feel excitement and deer don't feel contempt.  It seems that the animal kingdom deals with basic emotions that concern having food to eat and water to drink and shelter from the elements and an occasional new outfit, and that's it. They really don't have time to envy another cow or hold a grudge because of something that happened six months ago.

I'm not saying that your pet doesn't love you. They do. But it's a simple kind of love. They love you for providing them with those basic elements, and you love them for keeping your feet warm at night, so you and your warm feet get up in the morning and dole out the kibble and water and clean up the poop. 

Our neighbor who passed away in December left behind a dog who loved her very much, and she in turn loved the dog too and arranged for a friend to adopt the pooch. With the sense that God gave a dog, the chances are that Roxy is happy and healthy in her new home. She misses her original companion, sure, but her instinct tells her to live out her days as well as she can.

Meanwhile, a man drives to Annapolis to make laws for us to live by, and he lacks the sense that a dog would have, not to insult the looks of another person, or judge the validity of someone's case based on their appearance.

I think we would be better if we were more like the animals.

I wish I were an Oscar Meyer Driver

I'm not much for giving advice to young people, solely because I'm somewhat crazy, but I want you young 'uns to listen tight when people tell you that you have to finish college if you want to get a good job.

Sure, there are trades that pay well for those who complete an apprenticeship, but jobs as plumbers, carpenters, mechanics and so forth come and go all the time. Today's Smart Young Man and Woman want to build a solid career based on driving the Oscar Meyer Wienermobile!

You have to show the sheepskin from Old Siwash to land this position, but think of the fun you'll have, piloting a tubesteak along the highways of America. The Wienermobile came to our Giant Food way back in 2012, so we are due for another visit soon!

There are actually six of the hot dog cars on the roads across our nation, so Oscar is looking for a whole squad of hotdoggers. The job is for a year, but you have to figure, if you're really good at it, they will keep you forever!

For the gearheads among us, the chassis of a Wienermobile comes from a 2018 Isuzu medium-duty truck. It carries a 27-foot body, propelled by a 6.0-liter, 330-horsepower V8 engine. The headlights come from a 1995 Pontiac Grand Am, and the taillights are from a Camaro.

If they could only find a way to get it to run on catsup or mustard, they'd really have something!

Sunday Rerun: Where the roadrunner lives

 My grandfather used to subscribe to a magazine called "Arizona Highways." Every month, the mailman dropped his copy into the house through the mail slot at his front door, and eventually, I'd get to read it, and every month, I'd thumb through it, and see page after page of pictures of cactuses, you know, what the Latin-speaking population called cacti. 

Great spiny prickly desert plants and vast arid desert scenes! That's what the magazine was all about. And then people started talking about moving to Phoenix, Scottsdale or Tucson for retirement because it's so warm there and you don't have to shovel snow and so what if it's 128° there - it's a dry heat!  Just like in your oven!

I know some fine people who live in Arizona, and I really don't have anything against the state by and large, but I think all that heat must be getting to some people I do not know.

For instance: this recent tweet from the Arizona Dept. of Public Safety.  

"It appears an artist got creative near Casa Grande and turned a cement truck drum into a space capsule! Caused a stir on #I10 this morning."

What happened was, decades ago, someone abandoned the drum part of one of those cement mixers - those big trucks that drive around stirring up future sidewalks - alongside highway 110 in AZ, and recently, an artist named Jack Millard decided to turn it into a piece of art.  

"Henry! Is that Apollo 12?"

He turned it into what is supposed to look like an old Apollo spacecraft. Look at the picture.  Does it really look like something that's been to the moon, or came FROM the moon?

Still, people called the police to investigate it. And after an exhaustive study, they were able to determine beyond any doubt that it was, in fact, an abandoned cement mixer.

Millard, as artists will, turned the matter into a struggle for artistic freedom for all those working in the field of painting and decorating old cement mixers:

"As an artist, you know when you're on the right path when those in authority question you for what you're creating. This encounter turned out peaceful and even a few laughs. - Don't give up hope," he wrote.

He's also trying to find a way to move this thing closer to the highway, and of course, after that will come the parking lot, the admission fee to see the sight, the souvenir stand, the "I Saw The Cement Mixer From Outer Space" T-shirt, and the movement to have the whole episode memorialized on a commemorative US postage stamp.

The Saturday Picture Show, January 23, 2021

 

All my life I have been fascinated with giant versions of things or tiny versions of things. Now in the case of Lady G G here, from the other day, is this a real life-size version of a dove, or a giant size version of a small, modest dove brooch? Maybe it's a miniature representation of a huge dove. I can't figure it out, but at least she didn't wear her meat dress again.

I know, I know. It LOOKS complicated and like a grande deal, but look again. All it is is 4 sticks and some shadows.

The nation's capitol really put on the ritz the other night. I thought it was a very nice inauguration all around.

You'd want to scream too if those doggone kids got a hold of your paper clips!

I guess it took a few years for this practical joke to bear fruit, as it were, but what happened here (Oregon) was, when they reforested this part of the, uh, forest, they slipped in a few larch trees in the time honored design. Wooden you love to talk to the guys who did it?

There's nothing on earth more determined to get to some lichen than a mountain goat.

NFL shoulder pads are getting smaller, as seen by the ones worn by Marshawn Lynch on the right. Back in the 90s, they looked (left) like players were carrying their luggage with them on Sunday.

Next time you're served a nice baked russet potato, remember its first stop on the way from the fields of Idaho to your fork was a giant warehouse with a guy who waves at potatoes.

These two have a lotta lotta lovin' getting ready to go on Valentine's Day...remember, it's just a few weeks away!

If you take the Baltimore Beltway all the way around to the Southeast side, past where the steel mill used to be, you will have the chance to cross over the harbor on the Francis Scott Key Bridge, from which you can see this abandoned fort built on a manmade island. It's called Fort Carroll and it was originally planned as a defense outpost for the port and city of Baltimore. It has been deserted for years, because the defense of the port and city is now handled by an armed vigilante force which roams the city by night. Fort Carroll is currently the home of some amazing wildlife - check this drone video! Fun Fact: The whole project was designed by Robert E. Lee.