So many stories start off with the words "Florida Man," and that is so unfair to the Sunshine State of DeSantis. Let's be fair and start with something different...
Florida woman is suing the people who make Velveeta Shells & Cheese cups. She wants a big payout because the label says she can plan to ingest "small starch tubes combined with lactate extract of hooved mammals," as the Coneheads used to say when Saturday Night Live was still funny, in 3 1/2 minutes, and that's not happening for her.
Her name is Amanda Ramirez, she's from Hialeah, and she is listed as plaintiff in a $5 million class-action lawsuit filed against Kraft Heinz Foods Company in US District Court for the Southern District of Florida’s Miami Division.
I'll bet it takes longer than any three and a half minutes just to say all that in court!
In the suit, Ramirez and her crack legal team says the claim of taking '3 1/2 minutes' is false and misleading "because the product takes longer than the 3-and-a-half minutes to prepare for consumption.”
Do tell.
The suit details all four steps required to nuke the noodles as per the label instructions, and alleges that the 3 1/2 minutes is merely the length of time to complete one of several steps. In other words, that's how long you microwave it AFTER mixing in other ingredients listed in preceding steps.
Curiously, the suit does not mention how long it takes Ramirez to actually sit down and start sliding macaroni down her neck.
The suit says this mac 'n' cheese is sold at a premium price - $10.99 for 8 cups - and says this is "higher" than other similar dinners “represented in a non-misleading way.”
Also, the suit says that Ramirez is just a woman looking to “stretch (her) money as far as possible when buying groceries,” and that she “looks to bold statements of value when quickly selecting groceries.”
So naturally, Your Honor, she “believed and expected” she would be chowing down in a total of 3 1/2 minutes.
Responding to reporters' inquiries, the Kraft Heinz Company said, “We are aware of this frivolous lawsuit and will strongly defend against the allegations in the complaint.”
As lawyers will say, I will not comment on the merits of this lawsuit. I am sure that $5 million is plenty enough to assuage her hurt feelings.
I will also tell Ms Ramirez that one does not need to buy this Velveeta noodle dish to get that good old home-style m 'n' c. This link will take her (and you, should you wish) to a site that will show you how to nuke your noodles and cheese in your own mug, thereby saving $5 million over the years.
What's more, you can also save a bundle on microwave popcorn by getting a jar of Jiffy Time kernels and popping them in a folded-over brown paper lunch bag.
Next week, let's talk about why "colonel" sounds like "kernel."
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