Everyone loves a quitter

The oldest joke in the world is not the one where the caveman walks into a prehistoric Walgreens and asks the lady at the counter to show him where the talcum powder is*. 

It's actually the one where someone says, "It's easy to quit smoking!  I've done it hundreds of times!"

Bart's aunt, Patty Bouvier

I used to be a slave to the cigarette habit; I started smoking in my nico-teens and continued doing so for many years, until September 17, 1988, when I snubbed out one last KOOL and declared it would be my last.  

It was, but what followed was a couple of months of tingling, jangling, irritability and irrational behavior.  And that was Peggy!  I was even worse!!  

Another cheap joke. Peggy was her usual sweet supportive self and I was stomping around like a king-sized Earl Weaver until Thanksgiving.  That year, we went to New York to see "The Phantom Of The Opera" on Thanksgiving Eve, and I got a nice nap during the show, which I found impenetrably dense and overdone. But I woke up to see a chandelier descending and heard people hollering about the music of the night slowly, gently unfurling its splendor, tremulous and tender.  

All I could do was turn my face away from the garish light of day.

That was two months and a week since I last lit up, and I've "stayed quit" since.  The answer is, just don't light any more cigarettes, and you'll be fine.

A young couple we love is in their first week of not spending a fortune on butts and I know they can do it!  Think of the savings! The money!  The clothing not ruined with burn holes! The walls, the drapes, and the whole house not turning that brown color! And the health!  

*and the lady says, "Certainly, sir. Walk this way!" and the guy says, "If I could walk that way, I wouldn't need the talcum powder!"