Thursday, April 24, 2014

Meanwhile, in Portland

Did you know there is a Dallas in Portland?  Not the whole city, but one Dallas Jeffrey Delynn, 18, who lives in that Oregon city, and like every single one of us, has to go to Tinkletown now and again.

The difference is that most of us find proper plumbing fixtures when it's time to see a man about a horse.  Young Delynn, at 1:11 AM on a Wednesday several weeks ago, found himself at Portland's Mount Tabor Reservoir #5 and found it necessary to make his bladder gladder, so he let it fly into the water supply.  This action was seen on surveillance video.  Delynn was charged with trespassing, public urination, nepotism and violating the Smoot-Hawley Tariff Act,  and the two friends with him were also booked on trespassing and interstate flight to avoid infusion.

Delynn shakes hands with
his best friend (from official video)
Because Delynn could not wait to go home to break the seal, the city of Portland, just 618 miles from the Napa Valley of California where grape ranchers, wine fanciers and Boone's Farmers are screaming and crying for water, decided to dump the 38 million gallons of water in Mt Tabor #5.  Also, all birds flying over the reservoir have been outfitted with diapers, and the rats, mice, squirrels, chipmunks and warthogs who dwell on the banks of the artificial lake have been served with restraining orders and have been told to "Go to a Denny's or something" when they need to go Number One, thus keeping the water pure as mountain air.

Two other steps have been taken:  the city has contracted with TarpMasters Ltd for the purchase of a 17-acre canvas cover for the reservoir, and Dallas Delynn has been grounded until like forever, dude.

Look out, all of you alligators who live in the drains!  Here come 38 million gallons of h20!

Water is a big deal in Portland, like coffee in Seattle and grits in Alabama.  The water bureau there has its own Facebook page and slogan ("From forest to faucet, the Portland Water Bureau delivers the best drinking water in the world") but only 174 people like their page, which is certainly not a high-water mark.  They have a YouTube page, which must contain fascinating video of water flowing here and there, a Twitter account, and a blog.

Who in their right mind has a blog?

But I keep trying to get back to the fact that not all that far from Portland there exists a huge drought, and there ought to be a way to get those 38 million gallons of water from there to there.  UPS and FedEx are two ideas, along with a really long pipe. But according to Jaymee Cuti, spokesperson for the water board ( I knew Dick Cheney was involved in this!), "We're not in a drought in Oregon. And we don't supply water to places that are in drought."

Not even if they come up there with 38 million buckets.

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