Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Paper boy

It went largely unnoticed, but the only reason that Jeff Bezos bought the Washington Post for 250 million semolians is that negotiations to purchase this blog - the very one you are currently reading instead of doing something worthwhile - broke down at the last minute.

It wasn't so much the money.  All the money that we have sent to Mr Bezos via Amazon over the years in exchange for books, DVDs, tshirts, birdhouse kits, magazine subscriptions and tablets allowed him to spend 1% of his fortune to buy the paper that sank Nixon down in a watery mess.

Mr Bezos has his money, and he was itching to buy a paper, so he will have the Post and all that comes with it. I have plans to expand my blog into a printed daily tabloid edition, with headlines from near and far, complete sports coverage, and a special Maryland Close Up section with daily reports on how Stacy Keibler is doing post-Clooney, new ways to use old used K-cups as tiny pudding containers, the daily Jumble® (That Scrambled Word Game), and the return of an old family favorite, Marmaduke, to the comics section.

Other features of my print edition - soon to be available online as well - will be the Write Your Own Obituary section, allowing anyone with a retrospective view and 20 dollars in cash to outline their existence and say whatever they want to those they just left behind, investigative journalism that will provide an in-depth look at "What The Hell is Hummus, Anyway?", and a new version of the old TV Mailbag column, allowing people with a TV and a stamp to write in and ask why they don't see more of Patrick Duffy these days.

I plan to have a phalanx of reporters, wearing snap-brim fedoras and asking hard-hitting questions before calling me on the pay phone from a drugstore lunch counter and dictating their story in a rapid cadence, a couple dozen guys driving around the city, tossing wrapped dozens of papers in front of newsstands, and of course, plucky kids in corduroy pants and Andy Capp caps selling the paper on the corner.

Welcome to 1935!

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