They haven't released the prices of all the 12 gifts for 2018 yet, "they" being the people over at the Consumer Price Index, where every year, people with adding machines, calculators and abacuses ("abaci"???); figure out just how much it will cost someone to send The Twelve Gifts Of Christmas to their love. Here are the prices for last year, the last time anyone did all the math on this. Of course, if you're the sort of guy who's canoodling with two lovers at a time, better double the prices, fella. Women don't play like that, and we don't know why you would.
Of course, the price of everything goes up a bit every year, so figure on spending around $35,000 to make someone's heart light up with holiday joy. In 2017, the exact tab was $34,558.65.
And of course, with the price of gold going up every time Ariana Grande gets engaged, figure on the Five Golden Rings being a bit pricier now. Anyone who has been to the live tree section at Home Depot knows that a pear tree goes for a lot more than it used to, although the price of partridges varies with the availability of Danny Bonaduce. Just kidding. He couldn't BE more available.
Anyway, here’s the breakdown of cost for the 12 days:
A Partridge in a pear tree will cost $220 as compared to $210 last year. The partridge price remained the same as last year (talking about real birds) but it was the price of the pear tree that went up.
In other bird pricing news, two Turtle Doves are holding in price as the past few years - still $375.
Three French hens are the same price this year at $182.
Four calling birds held the line at $600. I guess they're the calling birds without an unlimited plan.
Five Golden Rings did go up this year to $825 compared to last year's $750. The price of gold fluctuates all the time.
Six Geese-a-laying, @$60 per goose, comes to $360. You go downtown and try to get a goose for less, and you'll see.
Seven Swans-a-swimming is one of the most expensive items on the list, although, it has held steady these past few years: $13,125. And let me tell you, as peaceful as those swans look, they are some mean suckers.
Eight Maids-a-milking did not increase in 2018 and stayed at $58.
Nine Ladies dancing, another expensive item in the 12 days - is unchanged at $7,553. You don't want union trouble, do you? Pay the going rate and no one will bother you.
Ten Lords-a-leaping did go up this year, the only labor group that saw an increase. Expect to shell out $5,619, up $110 from last Christmas. I guess these Lords are members of the American Olympic Broad Jump team, and so you are sponsoring ten athletes. Not bad.
Eleven Pipers, proud members of the Musicians' Union, will pipe up on their pipes for the love of your love for $2,708.
Similarly, Twelve Drummers drumming had a zero % change from last year, keeping the beat steady at $2,934.
Total cost of the Twelve Days of Christmas was $34, 559. We'll take cash or check only, no credit cards.
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