Bat Man

Did you ever watch a situation "comedy" on TV, or a movie with Adam Sandler (except for "Big Daddy") and wonder where the comedy went?

The answer is, and always has been, that the comedy we seek from television and movies is hiding in plain right...in real life!

The latest example comes from the Millcreek Township School District, outside Erie, Pennsylvania, where Superintendent William Hall has heard about all the school shootings that our lax laws have brought us, and responded by handing out miniature wooden baseball bats to the 500 (probably amused) teachers who shape young mind there.

The purpose of the baseball bats is use "as a tool against an active shooter just like any other item in the immediate room."

I know, I know.  Like me, you're shaking your head, picturing Ms Grundy in the Archie comics subduing Moose and Jughead with a tiny Louisville Slugger, and not coming up with a lucid image.

Mr Hall says parents and students need not fear that young Marmaduke or Penelope will be getting bopped on the beezer for any little infraction, since the wee bats will remain locked in the classroom and are only to be used/available in a hard lockdown situation.

Of course, if and when a "hard lockdown" situation occurs, it will be a simple matter for a teacher confronted with an armed sociopath to ask for enough time to get the key out of the little wooden box that says "Souvenir of Painted Mountain, Arkansas" that Uncle Ned brought back that time out of the top right drawer of the desk, and then go to the locked cabinet where the bat sits, waiting for the call to duty.

I'm sure the armed sociopath won't mind waiting.

Bottom line:  the bats are 16 inches long, and cost the district about $1,800.

Weapon of math instruction

I don't mean to harsh Mr Hall; I'm sure he came up with this plan with the best of intentions, but just like that school down South that wanted all the kids to bring in canned goods, so as to subdue an intruder with a barrage of thrown cans of Dole Pineapple Chunks in Heavy Syrup and Green Giant Mexicorn, the problems and needs of our schools and our society at large will better be served by meaningful legislators enacting meaningful laws and judges and juries punishing those who violate same.

And not to mock Mr Hall too heavily, but, sir, have you spent much time around teenagers, especially teenaged males?  I don't think you have spent enough, if you don't think they won't howl at the name you gave this ill-conceived program.

The bat defense is technically called "Threat assessment, Run, Obstruct and barricade, Join forces, Attack, and Never give up."

That's right. What young dude won't look forward to trying on a TROJAN?