One of them is the consarned pollen. In fact, if you look it up, you'll find that "consarned pollen" is the official name of the magic fairy dust that makes us sneeze our pants off while our eyes water and our noses clog up and our throats get all wheezy and sore. We never know until it starts how heavy the concentration of pollen in our air will be, but it won't be anything to sneeze at. Or it will, I dunno.
The other, of course, is the Black Bear, the omnivore (they'll eat anything from picnic lunches to the people who brought them) known in Latin as Ursus americanus. (People who ignore the warnings about this North American beast are known in English as "Lefty.")
They are coming out of hibernation now, having slept the winter months in dens with very poor Wi-Fi, so they are irritable and hungry, although well-rested. Their favorite foods - plants, berries and insects - are not as plentiful as they will be soon, so what's a bear to do, but hang around your back porch and wait for you to leave some poorly-discarded Butterscotch Krimpets or hastily-tossed cheeseburger leavin's lying around. They will also take Jelly Krimpets or plain hamburgers; they aren't picky like your older son.
These bears, they aren't stupid; they don't spend much time here in the urban or exurban or suburban areas where the traffic is congested and you can't find a spot near Trader Joe's and the light rail is offline half the time, so they mainly hang in Maryland's five western counties: Allegany, Frederick, Garrett, Washington and Pittsburgh.
Just kidding on that last one. Pittsburgh is not a county, more a state of mind. And it's technically not in Maryland, but you wouldn't know it from the Steeler jerseys you see around here, although I will admit that a lot of the brides look good in them.
But as a public service, this blog hereby joins the Maryland Department of Natural Resources in urging all residents to remove potential bear attractants.
Lock garbage in a bear-proof trash container, or keep it inside until the refuse collectors arrive. And when they say Lock up the garbage, they mean to use a padlock with a key. Most bears are quite adept at picking ordinary combination locks.
Rinse your trash barrels and cans with ammonia to cut out odors. You think Yogi wants to sniff out your stanky broccoli casserole from last Sunday?
Store cooking grills inside or keep them clean. And the Fire Department reminds you to leave grills outside until they are cold.
Take down backyard bird-feeders from April through November, as the bird population will have plenty of wild food sources in summer. Remember, bird lovers, this advice comes from the state of Maryland, so don't come at me about starving your Scarlet Tanagers.
Whoever figures out a way to make the bears leave the state and take the consarned pollen with them wins lunch with a Park Ranger at a picnic bench of his or her choice.
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