The real scoop

They make so much money up in Vermont, these Ben & Jerry Ice Cream people, that they maintain on their property a fake graveyard where they "bury" the ice cream flavors they have tried and seen fail.

Does any ice cream really sound bad to you? Everybody loves it and everybody basically loves vanilla, and then you add some whatevers, and it's all good.  I really like that Haagen-Dazs Vanilla with Brownie Chunks, in case you're starting your Christmas shopping early.

And who remembers that song "Porcupine Pie" by Neil Diamond? It was a nonsense song about food mixtures like vanilla soup, tutti fruit with fruity blue cheese, and chicken ripple ice cream.

And that might be as good as when Burger King came up with Bacon Ice Cream a couple years ago, and the local ice creameries here in Baltimore that are always coming up with Old Bay Ice Cream.  You never know what people are going to like.

But now you can know what they DON'T like in a cup or cone. These are the Ben & Jerry failures...

1. Schweddy Balls (2011-2011) This was based on the SNL bit featuring Alec Baldwin in the days pre-DT. This was vanilla ice cream with a bit of rum, plus fudge-covered rum and malt balls.

2. Wavy Gravy (1991-2001) This caramel and cashew and Brazil nut flavor and roasted almonds and chocolate hazelnut fudge swirl treat was named for Hugh Romney, the hippie's hippie from Woodstock. 

3. Turtle Soup (2006-2010) tasted like those gooey turtle candies: vanilla fudge covered ice cream with fudge-covered caramels, cashews, and a caramel swirl.

4. Fossil Fuel (2005-2010) had chocolate cookie pieces and fudge dinosaurs, with a fudge swirl. 

5. Miz Jelena's Sweet Potato Pie (1992-1993) Easy to see whythis one only lasted one year. It was ginger ice cream with a fudge swirl. Notice: no sweet potato. I think I spotted the problem.  

6. White Russian (1986-1996) They say it's still available in their scoop shops. It was a collusion of coffee ice cream and Kahlua. 

7. Tuskegee Chunk (1989-1990) was peanut butter ice cream with chocolate chunks. This violated my law of peanut butter, which is that peanut butter must be Skippy and must not come on contact with chocolate for any reason. Sorry, Reese's.

8. Oh Pear (1997-1997) Maybe the French woman you hired to take care of your kids would have like pear ice cream with some almond and a light fudge swirl.

9. Dastardly Mash (1979-1991) Chocolate ice cream with pecans, almonds, chocolate chips, and raisins sounds like a Chunky candy bar. It didn't last as long as the M*A*S*H TV show, though. 

10. Economic Crunch (1987-1987) crashed the world's ice cream shelves soon after the 1987 stock-market crash. It was vanilla with chocolate covered almonds, pecans, and walnuts.

Make mine vanilla, please! Two scoops.