Nice try

Once again, Baltimore is unwillingly thrust into the national crime spotlight, as some doofus named Mark Anderson, 35, was pinched in New York City on charges of impersonating an FBI agent.

Mangione, hero to the lonely

Anderson (I hate it when people give Marks a bad name!) showed up at the Metropolitan Detention Center in New York the other night, the current domicile of Baltimore's own Luigi Mangione, who sits in stir charged with the murder of an insurance bigshot. This took place in December, 2024, and all because young Luigi didn't like insurance companies. More perplexingly, owing to his dashing looks and dark, brooding countenance, Luigi has become sort of a folk hero to the people who really don't choose their heroes carefully.

So, when Anderson showed up at the Ironbar Hilton at 6:50 PM, which is well after the time of day when legal transactions take place, he aroused suspicion by claiming to be an FBI agent in possession of court papers " ‘signed by a judge’ authorizing the release of a specific inmate,” apparently, Mangione.

All the best people wear backward ballcaps

Guards at the MDC in NYC didn't just ride into town on a head of cabbage. I mean, among the other denizens of that lockup are Nicolás Maduro and Sean "Diddy" Combs, so they know how to handle people like Anderson. They asked him for his FBI credentials, and Anderson showed them a Minnesota driver's license, and stated that he was in possession of weapons. One supposes that was said in order to scare the pants off the guards, but all they could was laugh and keep their pants right where they were as they searched Anderson's backpack and found a barbecue fork and one of those pizza-cutting wheels.

The tools of a master criminal

Anderson said he recently came to the Big Apple for a job that somehow didn't work out when whoever hired him realized he is a lunatic and had stayed around to accept a position at a pizzeria, which he will probably lose because a) he's in the hoosegow and b) he stole a pizza cutter.

Maybe the prison can use the cutter if P Diddly or Maduro decide to treat the Big House to some 16 inchers with extra cheese, pepperoni, and sausage.

As of yesterday,  Anderson was still detained and being refused bail as a flight risk, although the riskiest thing about him might be not knowing whether to travel on the inside or the outside of an airplane.