Dinner and a show

I can't stand people who are lousy tippers, and the way they contort themselves into knots to justify their parsimony is revolting. If you can't afford to leave a decent (20%) tip, then go to Checker's and take your dinner home in a bag. Dining in a restaurant means you will be served, and for that privilege, one pays the server. 

So don't break my back with "well, in Europe they don't tip!" or "I would have left a tip, but you should see the way she handed me the menu - upside down! Whatzat s'posed to mean, huh?"

Just do the right thing and leave a kind tip and help keep Jordyn Hale out of the clink, because this was not her fault, sort of.

The scene is the Steel City Smokehouse in Pittsburgh, where 27-year-old Jordyn has been slinging steaks and ribs, until the night last month when a party of four ran her a hard way to go at dinner.

This is right out of the non-tipper playbook, to drive a server crazy with 118 demands and then say, "Well, look, she didn't bring me hot sauce right away, so, no tip! The line must be drawn somewhere!"

This party was no party. Twice, they sent their ribs back for being "too rib-like." They wanted drink refills...eight times. They made Jordan recite the specials again and again "with more enthusiasm." And they whined that the barbecue sauce "wasn't spiritually resonating."

You get the picture. These cheap bastardos were looking for trouble, and they found it right after Jordyn dropped off the check for $168 and they put down $168 and not a penny more. They wrote on the check, "You didn't uplift our dining experience."

(You want uplifting? That's in foundation garments, third floor.)

Jordyn's mug shot

Jordyn responded to this insult with a nod, and then she walked back to the cupboard where the restaurant's cleaning equipment was stored.

She returned holding a leaf blower.

As the four deadbeats stared in disbelief, she plugged in the blower, pointed it at them, and yelled, "GET UPLIFTED, THEN!" And the she turned the thing on, full blast.

The mighty wind sent napkins, menus, and those little cups that hold non-resonating sauce up in a vortex of rage. The group, aghast, shrieked, and one man had to grab his airborne toupee in midair.  One of the women saw her scarf take flight, and light in the next booth over.

Someone yelled, “SHE’S AIR-FRYING THE CUSTOMERS!”

And Jordyn said, "THIS IS WHAT UNDERAPPRECIATION FEELS LIKE — HIGH VELOCITY!”

She even had enough power cord to herd the crowd like a pack of sheep toward the exit. This must have been the funniest night ever at Steel City Smokehouse.

And then the cops showed up. Jordyn took a pinch for harassment and creating a hazard.

And as they led her to their car to be taken down for booking, Jordyn shrieked, "YOU WANT UPLIFTING? TIP NEXT TIME!"

I don't suppose she will get to keep her job, and who knows where she's going to work next. But I will tell you this: if I had been there, I would have been her backup.

I can't stand people who are lousy tippers.