Yes, we know who you are, but we don't know why you are the way you are.

I worked with, and knew, lots of police officers in my day. Almost all of them had fairly good senses of humor, because you need that to get through what they do. But one thing I will promise you is this: if a cop tells you that you flunked a roadside sobriety test, don't ask her or him if she or he is kidding, because they aren't.

We're talking about 1984  U.S. Olympic gold medalist Mary Lou Retton, who could not believe that she failed a series of field sobriety tests during a DWI stop in May in West Virginia.

The police body cam video is sad to see, showing, as it does, an obviously impaired person who also chooses to get a little snitty with the police. It's well known that she suffers from some form of pneumonia, and needs oxygen to breathe at times. That's cool. The screw-top bottle of wine on the seat of her car? Not cool.

And after seven minutes of bumbled sobriety tests, she is asked for her license, and replies, "It's in Texas."

Well, you're not, champ, and it was not becoming at all after refusing to take a breathalyzer test and being told she is being detained, to holler at some friends on the parking lot of the AutoZone parking lot in Fairmont, WV, "They think I'm drunk."

And off to Central Booking she goes, telling the officer, "I mean, really.… I know, you know [who I am]."

She thereby joins the list of celebrities and former celebrities who think that driving a car while blitzed is OK because of who they are. 

The officer looks unimpressed as he says, "Oh, I know who you are."

Later on, she is heard on the video, saying she is the "First Daughter of West Virginia," which is probably something some politician told her she was, while giving her an official Certificate of Achievement 40 years ago.

Anyway, she was blood-tested and charged with one count of driving under the influence of alcohol, controlled substances, or drugs, according to Marion County court records. She went for a personal recognizance bond of $1,500 and is free to walk (or drive) around now. She entered a no-contest plea and was fined $100.

And this is always my favorite part: 

Her attorney, Edmund J. Rollo, put out a statement in which the gold medalist admitted to driving under the influence and apologized. 

"I take full responsibility for my actions," the statement said. "What happened was completely unacceptable. I make no excuses. To my family, friends and my fans: I have let you down, and for that I am deeply sorry. 

"I am determined to learn and grow from this experience, and I am committed to making positive changes in my life. I truly appreciate your concern, encouragement and continued support." 

It's the "I'm So Sorry Samba," a tune we've heard a million times. I say, instead of nicking her for a hundred bucks, why not make her go to whatever trauma center they have in WV and see what happens to people who drive drunk, and, worse, who have the misfortune to have their lives upended by drunks.  Boom.