My Report on the Pineapple

Here's the answer to something that has probably kept you up at night, wondering why, in a world where we can find pineapple jam and preserves and any number of spreads for toast, there is no such thing as pineapple jelly?

Ask your chemistry-major friends and they will tell you, pineapple is loaded with an enzyme called bromelain. Bromelain's job in our food chain is to break down protein chains. No, not Jersey Mike's or Burger King, not that kind of chain, but what the people in white jackets call polypeptide chains, which are bonded amino acids that make excellent marinades.

You take some pineapple and you can turn any old tough piece of beef into something fit for dinner because it just shreds the toughness. But that quality is what makes pineapple refuse to gel, so, no jelly.

If we all lived in Hawaii, we would know people who work in the field of pineapple processing. They have to wear special protective gloves, because the same chemicals - that bromelain -  in pineapple that make a rump roast tender enough for Sunday dinner would play hell with your naked hands. 

The people at Jergens did some work in the field of producing a combination barbecue sauce and hand lotion, but they never did come up with the right formula. 

The benefits of eating pineapple are many. It's packed with nutrients, antioxidants and stuff that fights inflammation and disease. Many believe it aids in our digestion, boosts our immunity, and helps us recover from surgery, which is why they served me peach Jell-O in the hospital.

Of course, there are those who feel it belongs on a pizza, so there's that...

Now, why do we call it "pineapple" when it is not an apple and does not fall off a pine tree? Maybe not, but pine cones do, and a long time ago (the 14th Century) people started calling pine cones pineapples because, in medieval times, people called anything that grew on a tree an "apple" if they didn't know what the heck it was.

What's more, if you look at a pineapple for a good long while, it might start vaguely to resemble a pinecone, so they just transferred the name and let us sort it out later.

One of the few McFlops in the McDonalds experience was the Hulaburger.  Founder Ray Kroc took a liking to a grilled pineapple slice topped with American cheese on a burger roll. No one else did.

This concludes my report on the humble pineapple, and as I go, remember, you can't make pineapple jelly, but you can make apple jelly and Kentucky jelly.  You see it sold under the brand name "KY" jelly.