I don't love Lucy

There ought to be a reality TV show called "I Can't Believe How Dumb People Can Be!"

I've already imagining what the blurb will look like in the TV listings:

8:00 tonight on "ICBHDPCB!" host Kim Kardashian introduces us to crisis deniers Max and Katrina O'Toole, who claim they have natural immunity from all disease in perpetuity because they suffered with catarrh several years ago, a man who has collected pieces of  toast with what seems to be pictures of saints burned in their surface, and people who ignore zoo barriers because they wish "to be one with the animals." 

Speaking of which...

Texas people and Florida people are still running neck and neck for Looniest Americans, and Texas just took a temporary lead. One of their fine citizens has found herself in a pickle because she jumped over a wall in a zoo, into an enclosed primate area, to feed Hot Cheetos to the monkeys.

Don't call your eye doctor; you saw that right! Lucy Rae was at the El Paso Zoo. And she found the spider monkeys so enchanting that, naturally, she just HAD to join them.

Over the fence she went, and then she paraded on down a hill and even waded through an artificial lagoon, but doggone it, she got there!

Lucy might be the last American to realize this, but everything we do in public nowadays is recorded on hi-quality video, and it wasn't long at all before half the country had seen her simian silliness.

Spider monkeys are an endangered species - all monkeys are - and they do very well in the forests of South and Central America, swinging from branch to branch like, well, like monkeys!  It's not until they go all the way to El Paso TX that they run into human problems.

You see, zookeepers naturally keep animals in their care on regulated diets, trying to have them eating what they would be eating in the wild. As far as any veterinary nutritionists are aware, there are no 7-11s in the forests where spider monks live, so they have no access to Hot Cheetos, until some nincompoop brings them in.

What's more, humans invading animal domains is traumatic for the animals and quite risky for the humans. If a monkey feels threatened, they will attack, and spider monkeys are very very strong little critters, so just don't.

The people at El Paso Zoo say Rae was “stupid and lucky.”

And then the next day, her luck ran out, when the Lovett Law Firm, where she had been working, decided they could get along without her services very well, both now and forever more. They called her actions “irresponsible and reckless.”

Lawyers said that!

Not only that, but the Zoo, per director Joe Montisano, says now they want to pursue criminal charges against her.

And how does Montisano know how the fool was? He reported that many people dropped a dime to identify Rae once they saw her video. “Your friends will rat you out,” Montisano warns.

Let that be a lesson to any would-be Lucys!