Tuesday, April 14, 2020

Cognitive Skills Testing For Old People Such as I

If you're reading from the relative calm of being too young for Medicare, have fun! I know you're busy running around buying home goods from Crate & Barrel, adopting hypoallergenic animals, wrapping your iliac crest in Spandex, planning your financial future, listening to Luke Bryan and believing that is real country music, riding around in Ubers, Lyfts, and electric scooters, eating almost all your meals from trucks, and dating from Tinder.

We old timers are going in for our annual physicals, and every year now we face a Cognitive Skills Test.  The doctor's staff gives us a pencil and paper and we have to draw a clock face on it and then show what the hands what would look like at some certain time like twenty past six.

Then they read a little vignette and ask questions about the story. Then they will ask you to name six animals. Then they ask how much change you can expect from a $20 bill when you've spent $13.45 at the Try 'N' Save. Then they list three words (e.g. village, kitchen, baby) and five minutes later, ask you what those words were.

These questions and tests were developed by brilliant, educated people, and should serve to help doctors screen those patients who are a) sharp as a Ginsu, b) a wee bit dotty and c) Toys In The Attic.

But I want to suggest some other skill drills that might help the doctors. How about these...

...hand the patient his cell phone and have him go to his weather app. Then, ten seconds later, ask him the current temperature and is it going to rain tonight...

...tell her there's a recipe for corn fritters that calls for 1 3/4 cups of corn meal and 5/8 cup of flour, and say that since Thelma and Tony are coming over for breakfast, she'll need twice as many fritters, so how much corn meal and how much flour will she need?

...the Maryland Motor Vehicle Administration require current valid registration stickers on rear license tags. The month of expiration goes on the upper left, and the year on the upper right. Please explain this tag.

...please explain which control on the right controls which burner on the left


... A cowboy rode into town on Friday. He stayed in town for three days and rode out on Friday. How is that possible?
Friday was the name of his horse.

...Drawing test:
   a - draw a circle
   b - draw a triangle
   c - draw $500 out of the bank and bring it to me









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