Statue of Limitations

Regardless of what the doddering dotards say, America is great. The greatest nation on earth, truth to tell. We have put people on the moon time and again, we perfected digital technology, Corningware, and Tang, the powdered orange drink, and we found a cure for the common cold. Well, Nyquil. And we can replicate any taste or smell in a high-school chem lab.

But I must be honest with you. We are lagging behind in one vital area.
Our statue makers and bobblehead creators are unable to make their products look like the person they intend to portray.

Up the road apiece in Aberdeen, MD, the town fathers had a Cal Ripken, Jr. museum in operation for a few years where visitors could see mementoes from the Ironman's fabled baseball career. It was so cool! We went a couple of times to gaze at the keepsakes of our favorite ballplayer's diamond days, and extra added attractions such as Shoeless Joe Jackson's bat "Black Betsy."

And then out on heavily-traveled Rte 40, Pulaski Highway, they stuck a statue that purported to look like Cal, but looked more like Claude Akins.  The statue would have been Cal's height (6' 4") only if you counted the upraised right arm that welcomed weary travelers to town.

In my den, atop the one of the bookcases is a collection of Baltimore Ravens bobbleheads. Again, the resemblances pale. Derrick Mason looks like they found an old Michael Jordan bobble and used that head over again, and Joe Flacco winds up looking like Elliott Gould from 1972...never a good look for a quarterback. Edwin Mulitalo just looks like something surprised him.

But all this comes to mind because, this week, soccer star Brandi Chastain, whose penalty kick won the World Cup for the USA in 1999, was inducted into the San Francisco Bay Area Sports Hall of Fame.  Here we see Brandi, after that winning goal, and posing good-naturedly with the plaque someone made and someone else brought to the HOF.  Reviews of the artistic effort here range from "Awful" to "Abysmal," but I think Keith Olbermann said it best when he said it looks more like Tim Conway than like Brandi.

For that matter, it looks more like Keith Olbermann than Brandi.

American novelty artists, please step it up!