Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Mark's Thoughts

There was an episode of the great "Larry Sanders Show" in which Hank, the odd co-host of the Sanders show, wrote a three-dot journalism column for his fans in his fan club newsletter.  The gag was that he was dictating to his assistant, and everything he said was put into the newsletter...even the inappropriate things. I avoid that problem by having no fans and by doing my own typing, leaving only myself to blame.  And there is plenty of blame to go around, I'll tell you that right now.

Anyhow, every 1st of Oct. I get the urge to salute clueless Hank Kingsley, so let me start off with the same words he used...

Well, it's October.  And we all know what that means!...Someone, please explain to me why all the good shows are on Sunday evening!  Sunday Night Football! Simpsons and Family Guy! Once Upon A Time!  Downton Abbey (after the first of the year)! The Good Wife! The Walking Dead! OK, so I only watch the first two. But DVRs all across America are worn out by bedtime Sunday, and we don't know why...The old expression "We get too soon old and too late smart" has never been more true, wouldn't you say?...I don't think we have done enough to salute the person or persons who invented the LED flashlights that are assisting us to find things, like that button that rolled underneath the La-Z-Boy the other night.  Old-time flashlights sort of threw a little dim light on the subject, but these new pocket lights pack a lot of illumination.  So much so, that a lot of doctors now use them instead of getting those needless, risky X-rays.  Just shine it on the trouble spot, and have a good look!...Farmer's Wisdom: It's easy to get up early. After the first time you get up at 4 in the yawning, you'll be in bed plenty early that night...Early American alarm clock: drink a gallon of water just before bedtime.  You'll be up early (several times!)...I can't seem to get enough Moo-Shu Pork, but my Asian carryout can just stop right now, telling me it's a "Chinese pancake" they give me into which to roll up the yummy mix of cabbage, scrambled eggs, carrots, day lily buds, wood ear mushrooms, scallions, and bean sprouts. (I don't see "pork" listed anywhere...) That's a good old all-American flour burrito wrapper!  America the Melting Pot!...I can't seem to get used to reading books on a Kindle, but there are a lot of books out there that should be used for kindling, I wanna tell ya...Some of the friendliest people in the world are the good folks who take my orders at L.L. Bean.  They seem to take a real interest in my pants, and always make sure I have enough down-filled items to make it through the winter...I miss the good old-fashioned All You Can Eat turkey and oyster suppers at the local fire houses...We keep hearing it's going to be a tough winter here in Baltimore, with a lot of snow and ice. Better get ready now, and stock up on Ovaltine and marshmallows ...Maybe it's just me, but I think this cell phone thing just might catch on.  You see more and more people with 'em!...You have to love the sign at the Baltimore Book Thing down in Waverly. That's the big warehouse with books free for the taking!  They're open every Saturday and Sunday, and they mean it!  They have signs saying it doesn't matter if there's a blizzard or if it's Christmas or any holiday, they are open 52 Saturdays and 52 Sundays every year...and who could ask for more?..For a quick and tasty lunch, try some peanut butter and jelly on whole-wheat!  Add some pretzels, and you have a nice noontime fill-'er-up!...And for all you ladies in mourning because George Clooney took the matrimonial plunge, well, I hear that Screech from "Saved By The Bell' is still up for grabs.  In fact, I hear he is up for most anything...

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