Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Come out, come out

Letterman was about to come on the other night, and the local news anchor was billboarding who would be on.  She mentioned "Aziz Ansari" and Peggy and I looked at each other, wondering who that person is and what he has done to become Letterman-worthy.

So I waited for the show to begin, and here came the announcement..."From 'Parks and Recreation-' Aziz Ansari!"

At once, I felt awfully out of the loop.  I have never watched "Parks and Recreation," so it dawned on me that being a member of that show's cast would be an excellent place to hide from me, were one so inclined.

I don't think that a lot of people need to hide from me, but in case you wish to, here's a list of other places to be where you would not have to worry about seeing me:

 - - a carry-out called "Hummus Hummus Hummus"
 - - a carry-out called "Couscous 'R' Us"
 - - a line of people waiting for any new electronic device to be released "three nights from now at midnight"
 - - the live studio audience for the "Oprah's Favorite Things!" taping.  I don't want a Pontiac, microwaveable slippers, or praline-buckwheat-hummus cookies from New Orleans.
 - - any tropical rain forest, real or man-made.
 - - a new 5-star bistro featuring fois gras with butternut squash confit with truffle sauce
 - - any group that includes members of the Westboro Baptist Church, since I don't wish to die from a lightning strike

Lynn Anderson, 1971
Lynn Anderson,
 - - a car driven by Michael Phelps, David Cassidy, Justin Bieber, Lindsay Lohan, Amanda Bynes, or onetime country music star Lynn Anderson, all arrested for DUI this year (and there are almost three months left!) 

 - - the Kowloon Walled City of Hong Kong, a former fort demolished 20 years ago and now inhabited by squatters.  The makeshift dwellings inside are largely devoid of creature comforts like heat or running water, but there are said to be approximately 30,000 residents in those 6.5 acres.  That comes to a population density of 3,250,000 people per square mile.  As sorry as I feel for those living in this squalor, I shudder at the thought of being one of so many people.  

 - - near an airport of any size.  There used to be a little tiny airstrip near us, since torn down for more houses, and the landing strip was perpendicular to the interstate I-95.  More than one motorist over the years was startled to see the belly of a Piper Cub wobbling earthward.  But those little planes are nothing compared to the big boys in the air.  I used to work near the Baltimore airport, and while you may become somewhat inured to the sound and shadow of United flight 302 for Cleveland taking off, or Southwest 627 coming in from Daytona, you never quite stop having crash scene news footage reel through your mind.

 - - a restaurant with no WiFi.  I mean, what are we, 4-G barbarians with a salad bar?

 - - anywhere between coach Nick Saban and the locker room following an Alabama loss. 

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