Hold On

I'm proud and happy to say that we get all our pharmacy needs taken care of by the good people at Giant Food. In fact, before we got a Giant near us, we used to get our prescriptions and nostrums at Walgreens, and then that company decided not to honor the prescription plan from where I worked, and that happened just as the new Giant was opening, so it was all propitious.

We didn't think of going with CVS, although, out our way, you can't swing a tire chain without hitting a CVS, and now they are literally building a new one of them 200 yards from an existing one, and two blocks from another existing one.  Sometimes I think when I go into our powder room to take a powder, a white-coated CVS pharmacist will be in there, asking me for a copay.

But for those who deal with CVS, there is good news.  Apparently, their music on hold is an especially annoying, jangly tune, and people have been fussing about it for some time now, led by a child psychiatrist from Harvard named Steven Schlozman.

If I ever need a psychiatrist (betting odds are 2-1 on the morning Vegas line) I will consult with a fully grown adult. I can't tell my problems to a child.

Schlozman has to call pharmacies quite often to prescribe meds for his patients, so often that he figures he's called CVS three times a day, only to be put on hold for a minute and a half each time.

At 52, Schlozman figures that he has been walking this earth for 18,980 days, and 25 of them have been spent aggregately listening to the CVS hold jingle.

I will wager that he did this ciphering while on hold with CVS.

Dr S wrote about his despair over this tune, and now the drug chain has decided it's time for a NEW annoying song.

“CVS Pharmacy is in the process of updating the interactive voice response phone system in our stores, including the on-hold music. We expect this work to be completed later in 2019,” CVS said.

Always on the lookout for a chance to make the public happy, I offer these suggestions for new hold music:

"High School Confidential" from the Jerry Lee Lewis London Sessions album.

"Tammy" by Hank Snow, long underrated as a guitarist because he was such a great singer.

"So What's New?" by Milton DeLugg and His Band With A Thug, the beloved melodymakers from the Gong Show.

"The Chicken Dance" by #1 Party Band, just because.

You could call CVS to tell them which song you choose, but they'd just put you on hold...