Thursday, November 30, 2023

"If silence be good for the wise, how much better for fools!"

Can there be a bigger fool than a billionaire who gets caught driving under the affluence and blames it on being white and wealthy?

Of course, I am talking about Jim Irsay, owner of the Indianapolis NFL Team formerly known as the Baltimore Colts. He got popped in March of 2014 for DUI and now, almost ten years later, claims that the police have it in for him because he's a rich Caucasian.

Jimbo comes by his asininity quite honestly. He inherited the team from his father, Bob, a drunken lout whose own mother called him "the devil on earth" for stealing money from his parents. Bob himself denied his Jewish heritage and called himself "a good Catholic boy." 

I remember seeing young Jimmy at the Colts practices long ago. People felt sorry for him. The coaches used him as a gopher, bringing water and footballs to the field. 

But now he goes on television and claims that the nasty policeman stopped him just because he was driving at a slooooooooooooooow rate of speed, stopped his car in the middle of a road, and failed to signal a turn. Subsequently, he failed field sobriety tests (one of which should be saying "failed field sobriety tests" five times really fast) and the police found narcotics in his car.

Oh, poor me. 

“I am prejudiced against because I’m a rich, white billionaire,” Irsay told HBO’s Andrea Kremer. “If I’m just the average guy down the block, they’re not pulling me in, of course not.”

Jimbo, do you think people will buy this claim that the police picked on you for being rich and chalky?

 “I don’t care what it sounds like,” Irsay said. “It’s the truth ... I could give a damn what people think how anything sounds or sounds like. The truth is the truth, and I know the truth.”

The truth includes the fact that he has been to rehab 15 times.

I don't want him driving down my street.  And can't he just shut his piehole a minute?

Wednesday, November 29, 2023

No Place Like...

There is no place like SOMEONE'S home for the holidays, and this year once again, there was a happy holiday for Jamal Hinton and Wanda Dench, who spent their eighth year celebrating Thanksgiving together.

You might recall, it was a misdirected text back in 2016 that erroneously invited Hinton to Dench's table for Gobble Day. This year, because this is America, there was a commercial angle to it.

Airbnb got involved, sponsoring the dinner, and adding more guests.

Their listing on the Airbnb site said, "Some may recognize us from our viral text mishap that led to our first Thanksgiving together back in 2016. And eight years later, we’re practically family."

"To commemorate our lasting friendship, we’re excited to become Airbnb hosts and welcome new guests into our holiday tradition, creating meaningful connections in the process," the offer continued.


In fondly-recalled pre-pandemic 2016, Ms Dench sent a text invitation message for T-Day dinner, intended for her grandson, to Hinton, who was a high school senior at the time.

Not recognizing the sender, Hinton asked for a picture, and, upon receiving a photo of Ms Dench. replied, "You not my grandma" and "Can I still get a plate tho?"

Ms Dench said, "Come on over and get yourself a nice supper," and a tradition was born which now spans eight years. Ms Dench lost her husband, Lonnie, to the coronavirus in 2020, but the annual meetings go on, and soon, Netflix subscribers will see a movie about their lucky incidental friendship, to be entitled "The Thanksgiving Text."

I'm for Meryl Streep playing that nice lady and hiring DJ Jazzy Jeff to play Mr Hinton.


 

Tuesday, November 28, 2023

Enjoy yourself!

At 5 feet, 10 inches. and 172 pounds, 23-year-old Zay Flowers towers over no man.

And yet, he towers over them all.

The rookie wide receiver out of Boston College has been the welcome addition to the Baltimore Ravens that he was touted to be. He catches the ball and runs like the dickens with it, and those are highly important requirements for his job.

He's scored two touchdowns so far, both in Sunday night's win over the Chargers, and he put a little pizzaz on the field with his celebrations in the end zone, the first of which is being talked about all over.

You can see it here:  https://twitter.com/i/status/1728958729415221741

All Flowers does is recreate that moment in wedding receptions when the bride tosses her bouquet to the crowd of people hoping to be next to traipse down the aisle, except he used the football as flowers.

Get it? Flowers!

Team insiders are saying that querulous quarterback Lamar Jackson did not like the performance. I mean, he liked the one where Zay caught the pass for a score, but not the bridesmaid scene. 


Lamar has never seemed like a man with much of a sense of humor. He could try enjoying the moment like Zay did the other night. Life is too short not to laugh.




 



 


 

Monday, November 27, 2023

Animal Cruelty

Sure, you've heard of snakes on a plane. Now how about a runaway horse?

There was a  Boeing 747 heading for Liege, Belgium from JFK in NYC when things got AFU because a horse got loose in the cargo hold.

 It was important for this horse to be transported to Europe, and he refused to swim, so the plane was the option his owner chose. But the pony got partway out of its stall at 31,000 feet up. The crew contacted Air Traffic Control with might be the first-ever request to cancel a flight because Mr Ed was loose.



YouTube channel "You Can See ATC" reconstructed a video of the event, in which we can hear the pilot say “We don’t have a problem (…) flying-wise, but we cannot get the horse back secured.”

The airline said the plane hit turbulence - the exact reason I avoid air travel and horseback riding - and that spooked the steed. It got caught up the stall and, in spite of the best efforts of veterinarians and ground staff, needed to be euthanized.

Sad story, but John Cuticelli, the head of the corporation that handles animal quarantine and export at John F. Kennedy International Airport, says, "The horse jumped and managed to get its two front legs over the (front) barrier and then got jammed. It’s only the second time in all the years I’ve been doing this that I’ve ever seen that happen. And we do thousands of horses a year. A very unfortunate event — but that horse was spooked.”

There was an episode of "Modern Family" in which Javier Delgado ("Manny's father, and Gloria's ex-husband...and lover" as he puts it) claims to be able to read the mood of racehorses by looking at their faces. 

Well, I am no one's ex-husband, but I don't even have to look at a horse in the face to tell it does not want to get on a plane and fly to Belgium. They want to stay home and canter around in the meadow. 

Please stop this nonsense!

Sunday, November 26, 2023

Sunday Rerun: If you're not at Burger King, you can't always have it your way

 A friend of mine has a relative who took her children to one of those farm stand places where they have Apple Festivals in Autumn, and cider and doughnuts and hay mazes and hayrides. They arrived too late; the hayride tractor was being put away and the employees were closing up everything, but this person, an attorney, loudly and publicly clamored for her children to be able to have a hayride.


The employees said they were sorry, but the sign posted said that hayrides were over at 5 PM, and they should have come earlier, and they tried to be as kind as possible, but this person, an attorney, would not hear of it.

"I DEMAND a hayride for my children!" she shouted.

And don't you know, they got that tractor back out and loaded up the kids and took them on what must have been a helluva happy hayride.

Lion Park is a wildlife center in South Africa's Gauteng province, where one can drive along the roads and see all sorts of animals, including lions, zebras, giraffes and wild dogs. Upon entering, visitors are given a piece of paper with the rules, the main one being that the car windows have to be rolled UP at all times, which only makes sense.  But the other day, a 29-year-old woman, Katherine Chappell of Rye, New York was killed at the safari outside Johannesburg. She was taking pictures of a lioness, with her car window down to get a better picture, and the lioness, who was with her cubs, reached in through the window that should not have been open, and killed her.

We see this all the time...people jumping into the cages of large cats and other dangerous animals at zoos and parks.  Sometimes, they are sadly deranged individuals bent on suicide, sometimes, they are under the delusion that getting closer to our animal kin is good for the soul, and sometimes, they just want to take photographs.
This is not a housecat

And of course, there is this curious human tendency to demand that things be done the way we want them - or else!

Unlike the people who operate hayrides and apple festivals, animals don't operate with the same sort of logic that a rational human employs in making decisions.  A mother lion sees her offspring being encroached upon, and responds the only way she knows.

And that's the way it's going to be, until animals evolve to the point at which they have attorneys to resolve these matters.  So until then, I urge each and every one of us to follow the rules of animal engagement.  They're in place for a reason.

Saturday, November 25, 2023

The Saturday Picture Show, November 25, 2023

The time's not long until they will be together again, forever at their rest.

This year's was the 98th Macy's Thanksgiving Parade; the tradition began in 1924 but naturally the festivities were shelved from 1942-1944. I hope you enjoyed it!
In a California neighborhood, residents were fed up with RVs parking on their street at night, and have blocked off their parking spots with these galvanized stock tanks. They should take a tip from Baltimore, hon. Spots here are legally set aside with the placement of a chaise longue.
Is it a coincidence, or a jocular baker that caused this day-old pie to be reduced to the price of pi 𝞹? 
This 1972 Taco Bell menu takes us back to the days when we Americanos had to be taught what Mexican food was, and how to pronounce it. ¡Ay, caramba!
You know, when you ask an Iranian to pass the salt, this might be what you get...
You know, I don't eat potato chips all that often, and it's because I can never choose between "original wavy" and "original ripple" chips.
By themselves, they just look like little piles of salt and spice. But you mix them up and you get taco seasoning!





 

Friday, November 24, 2023

Thankful Friday!

 

It's Thanksgiving Weekend, and what better time to watch "Planes, Trains and Automobiles," the 1987 movie starring John Candy and Steve Martin that shows how much fun it is to travel this week.

"Over the river and through the woods, to Grandmother's house we go, the horse knows the way to carry the sleigh through the white and drifted snow..." was the opening line in a song we always sang in elementary school as Turkey Day approached.  Maybe a horse and sleigh would have been an easier way to get around; certainly it would be a preferable mode of transport to the methods Candy (as Del Griffith) and Martin (as Neil Page) tried.

Dolphins and Jets today and Mizzou at Arkansas! Leftovers will have to wait.

I hope you got to where you were going in fine fashion and will get back home the same way! 



Thursday, November 23, 2023

Thanksgiving 2023

Peggy and I will be blessed today to have a nice dinner and a slice of pie and lots of candlelit memories and thoughts of those we love, far and near. May each of you be blessed as well, and may the coming of December bring something close to peace in the world. All this fighting and war and unpleasantness is no way to live, so let's change that right away.



Wednesday, November 22, 2023

A view of a funeral

I like to read and share this column every year on this day. You'll forgive me for being nostalgic for a time when our leaders were, let's say, different from what they are now.

And so were our journalists. This is the column that Jimmy Breslin wrote in the New York Herald-Tribune after he was sent to Washington to cover the funeral for President Kennedy. He realized that every other reporter would be talking about the people in suits and fine clothes at the funeral. Breslin's genius was that he went in another direction, and gave us a slice of life we might otherwise not have seen.



‘It’s An Honor’


New York Herald Tribune, November 1963


By Jimmy Breslin


WASHINGTON — Clifton Pollard was pretty sure he was going to be working on Sunday, so when he woke up at 9 a.m., in his three-room apartment on Corcoran Street, he put on khaki overalls before going into the kitchen for breakfast. His wife, Hettie, made bacon and eggs for him. Pollard was in the middle of eating them when he received the phone call he had been expecting. It was from Mazo Kawalchik, who is the foreman of the gravediggers at Arlington National Cemetery, which is where Pollard works for a living. “Polly, could you please be here by 11 o’clock this morning?” Kawalchik asked. “I guess you know what it’s for.” Pollard did. He hung up the phone, finished breakfast, and left his apartment so he could spend Sunday digging a grave for John Fitzgerald Kennedy.


When Pollard got to the row of yellow wooden garages where the cemetery equipment is stored, Kawalchik and John Metzler, the cemetery superintendent, were waiting for him. “Sorry to pull you out like this on a Sunday,” Metzler said. “Oh, don’t say that,” Pollard said. “Why, it’s an honor for me to be here.” Pollard got behind the wheel of a machine called a reverse hoe. Gravedigging is not done with men and shovels at Arlington. The reverse hoe is a green machine with a yellow bucket that scoops the earth toward the operator, not away from it as a crane does. At the bottom of the hill in front of the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier, Pollard started the digging (Editor Note: At the bottom of the hill in front of the Custis-Lee Mansion).


Leaves covered the grass. When the yellow teeth of the reverse hoe first bit into the ground, the leaves made a threshing sound which could be heard above the motor of the machine. When the bucket came up with its first scoop of dirt, Metzler, the cemetery superintendent, walked over and looked at it. “That’s nice soil,” Metzler said. “I’d like to save a little of it,” Pollard said. “The machine made some tracks in the grass over here and I’d like to sort of fill them in and get some good grass growing there, I’d like to have everything, you know, nice.”


James Winners, another gravedigger, nodded. He said he would fill a couple of carts with this extra-good soil and take it back to the garage and grow good turf on it. “He was a good man,” Pollard said. “Yes, he was,” Metzler said. “Now they’re going to come and put him right here in this grave I’m making up,” Pollard said. “You know, it’s an honor just for me to do this.”


Pollard is 42. He is a slim man with a mustache who was born in Pittsburgh and served as a private in the 352nd Engineers battalion in Burma in World War II. He is an equipment operator, grade 10, which means he gets $3.01 an hour. One of the last to serve John Fitzgerald Kennedy, who was the 35th president of this country, was a working man who earns $3.01 an hour and said it was an honor to dig the grave.


Yesterday morning, at 11:15, Jacqueline Kennedy started toward the grave. She came out from under the north portico of the White House and slowly followed the body of her husband, which was in a flag-covered coffin that was strapped with two black leather belts to a black caisson that had polished brass axles. She walked straight and her head was high. She walked down the bluestone and blacktop driveway and through shadows thrown by the branches of seven leafless oak trees. She walked slowly past the sailors who held up flags of the states of this country. She walked past silent people who strained to see her and then, seeing her, dropped their heads and put their hands over their eyes. She walked out the northwest gate and into the middle of Pennsylvania Avenue. She walked with tight steps and her head was high and she followed the body of her murdered husband through the streets of Washington.


Everybody watched her while she walked. She is the mother of two fatherless children and she was walking into the history of this country because she was showing everybody who felt old and helpless and without hope that she had this terrible strength that everybody needed so badly. Even though they had killed her husband and his blood ran onto her lap while he died, she could walk through the streets and to his grave and help us all while she walked.


There was Mass, and then the procession to Arlington. When she came up to the grave at the cemetery, the casket already was in place. It was set between brass railings and it was ready to be lowered into the ground. This must be the worst time of all, when a woman sees the coffin with her husband inside and it is in place to be buried under the earth. Now she knows that it is forever. Now there is nothing. There is no casket to kiss or hold with your hands. Nothing material to cling to. But she walked up to the burial area and stood in front of a row of six green-covered chairs and she started to sit down, but then she got up quickly and stood straight because she was not going to sit down until the man directing the funeral told her what seat he wanted her to take.


The ceremonies began, with jet planes roaring overhead and leaves falling from the sky. On this hill behind the coffin, people prayed aloud. They were cameramen and writers and soldiers and Secret Service men and they were saying prayers out loud and choking. In front of the grave, Lyndon Johnson kept his head turned to his right. He is president and he had to remain composed. It was better that he did not look at the casket and grave of John Fitzgerald Kennedy too often. Then it was over and black limousines rushed under the cemetery trees and out onto the boulevard toward the White House. “What time is it?” a man standing on the hill was asked. He looked at his watch. “Twenty minutes past three,” he said.


Clifton Pollard wasn’t at the funeral. He was over behind the hill, digging graves for $3.01 an hour in another section of the cemetery. He didn’t know who the graves were for. He was just digging them and then covering them with boards. “They’ll be used,” he said. “We just don’t know when. I tried to go over to see the grave,” he said. “But it was so crowded a soldier told me I couldn’t get through. So I just stayed here and worked, sir. But I’ll get over there later a little bit. Just sort of look around and see how it is, you know. Like I told you, it’s an honor.”

Tuesday, November 21, 2023

Turkey Day Ice Cream!

Have you tried this, the "Thanksgiving ice cream" at Baskin-Robbins? It's not what you might think, the reason I ask.

Instead of having notes of pumpkin spice or apple pie, their Thanksgiving ice cream - which has been the Flavor Of The Month for November - is chock full o' Turkey Day fixin's, giving you a side dish flavor fest. The ice cream has sweet potato  and autumn spice in it, as well as chunks of honey cornbread, and little ridges of cranberry sauce. 

So you don't actually get slices of turkey or the lumpy mashed potatoes your peculiar aunt always showed up with, but you'll walk away feeling like you just pushed yourself away from the Big People Table.



I'm hoping for Mistletoe Ice Cream for Christmas.

Monday, November 20, 2023

"As told to me..."

Charissa Thompson was in Baltimore the other night serving as the sideline reporter for Amazon Prime’s “Thursday Night Football” for what should be the last time she ever does any reporting for any outlet. I say that because she  admitted, on a show called "Pardon My Take," that she made up quotes and answers from coaches in her job as a sideline reporter.

The people at "PMT," which is apparently a podcast I'll never hear, quickly took down the episode.

At least a dozen other people who work as sideline reporters for football games rallied against Thompson, saying, in various ways, that she has destroyed her credibility.

“I’ve said this before, so I haven’t been fired for saying it, but I’ll say it again. I would make up the report sometimes” is what she said in a recent interview on “Pardon My Take. ” For reasons, she said, “because, A, the coach wouldn’t come out at halftime, or it was too late and … I didn’t want to screw up the report, so I was like, ‘I’m just going to make this up.’”



Place #1, no one who is still saying "I was like" when they are past the age of getting their permission slip signed to go on a field trip to the zoo should be working in journalism.

Place #2, did you ever have a friend or co-worker or acquaintance whom you caught making up a story they told you? And if so, did you ever trust anything they ever said again?

I know, these reports tend to be carbon copies of "Coach O'Hoolahan said the team just has to concentrate more in the second half and clean up some of the mental mistakes. Also, some tackling and blocking would be nice." Football coaches are not known to be great speakers or raconteurs as they race into or out of the locker rooms.

All this means is that Ms Thompson forfeits her right to tell me anything and have me believe it.  

And all THAT means is that she should no longer work as a reporter, if making stuff up is the best she can do.

 

Sunday, November 19, 2023

Sunday Rerun: Always be honest. No one likes a cheddar!

 I see on the wonderful website Gastro Obscura  that there is cheese even stankier than Limburger or Beerkaese.  Beerkaese is described as "robust and pungent" in the way that you might describe Freddie Mercury as "flamboyant" and Terry Bradshaw as "goofy." The word beerkaese literally means beer cheese, and there is no beer in the cheese at all, but it got the name because it goes so well with beer, and the only problem is, when you go to schmear some on a cracker, you are made to think about the time you spent changing the foundation garmentry of a particularly incontinent toddler.


But the name Beerkaese doesn't tell you about how its aroma would send a buzzard running for cover. How about this stuff? Stinking Bishop cheese!


They say that it's an award-winning cheese, and they say it's the “smelliest cheese in Britain.” The article says it has a "subtle, nutty flavor," and also says it smells like a "rugby team's locker room," and that doesn't sound subtle at all, but a little bit nutty.

Cheese is funny stuff, no matter how you slice it. You wouldn't call a men's cologne "Rotten Feet," nor would you call a canned cherry pie filling "Putrid Pie Stuff," but the cheese manufacturers of the world seem to delight in slapping repulsive names on their goods. 

So it is with this Stinkin' cheese. The odor comes from soaking the ripening cheese in pear cider.  The cider was named for the pear that gets squeezed in its making.

The pear in question is called a Stinking Bishop pear because it was grown in Gloucestershire, England by a man who eschewed such niceties as taking a bath every now and then and not getting drunk every once in a while. The rank old man was Frederick Bishop (1847 - 1919) and his name was hung on the pears he raised.

Meanwhile, long after Freddy shuffled off to that meadow in the sky, a dairy farmer by the name of Charles Martell had some cows making milk to make cheese from, and he decided to do it the way monks made cheese in the 17th Century, and wash the cheese rinds in pear cider.

I know you think I'm making this up, but this happened in 1972.

And then it was years and years until 2005, when a movie called "Wallace & Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit" was made, in which someone named Gromit waves Stinking Bishop cheese around to revive a friend.

This ain't exactly Kraft Cheddar or Land O' Lakes American we're talking about here. This is the malodorous product of the coagulated, compressed, and  ripened milk curd that has been separated from the whey.

It's the perfect sandwich cheese for those who are tired of having that new guy in the office ripping off your lunch every day. He'll never pilfer from you twice.

Saturday, November 18, 2023

The Saturday Picture Show, November 18, 2023

They said it couldn't ever happen, and lookie here: it DID!
My fair and frantic Baltimore is the kind of place where someone spots a car on the light rail tracks but is too cool to say anything about it.
Her real name was Martha Jane Canary, but she packed a lot of living in those 47 years as a frontierswoman, sharpshooter, and storyteller. A friend of Buffalo Bill Cody, she appeared in his Wild West Shows, demonstrating her handiness with a gun and spinning yarns for the audience. She got the Calamity nickname for helping to quell a Native American battle in what is now Sheridan, Wyoming, in 1873.
The hazards of the fire spreading and the air pollution it causes helped bring an end to the old custom of burning leaves, but for those who never had the chance to play along, trust me, nothing smells better than those burning leaves.
We used to have an old-fashioned hardware store near us, the kind with nail buckets and clerks who could cut you a duplicate house key and mix a gallon of paint while he was on the phone with someone looking for a chainsaw chain. They tore it down and we wound up with a CVS now closed. Progress backwards.
One of the natural wonders of the sea is the Stickfish, known by science as Coregonus nasus. This is the only species of fish that is born in rectangular shape, without skin, but with a tasty breading, ready for Friday school lunch as "fish sticks."
To you and me it looks like a Swedish prison cell, but this is actually an apartment in London, available today for single occupancy for someone with but minimal furnishing requirements.
I have to be honest: I am so crazy about Awkwafina that I would watch her make a grilled cheese sandwich or fold her laundry, if someone filmed her. She and Sandra Oh are out with a fun comedy on Hulu right now. It's called Quiz Lady and it gets four hearty thumbs up from me and the missus.
If Cracker Barrel had a gate, it would look like this!
Ever feel like this as you start a new day/week/job/relationship? It's OK to come out of your shell.
So you come out of the water, dripping wet, no glasses on, and all you know is, your glasses, towel, t-shirt, magazine and Yeti are up there under that blue and white umbrella.
 

Friday, November 17, 2023

Sing the friendly skies

Go tell it on the mountain! We've heard all week about Grammy-nominated gospel singer Bobbi Storm almost getting booted off her flight because she would not stop singing.

Ms Storm posted a clip to her Instagram on Saturday showing her in the center aisle of a Delta plane, singing happily while a crew member walks up and asks her to sit down and "be quiet."

So she sits down and says she has sung on other flights in the past and oh yes, she has been nominated for two Grammys. Mild applause ensues.

She's singing her song "We Can't Forget Him" and yet she forgets that He asks us to be humble followers, and when asked to refrain from singing the refrain, she says, "I'm doing what the Lord is telling me to do." 

The crew member - the flight leader - tells her she cannot stay on the plane if she doesn't follow his instructions.

She says she'll be cool, but when the leader walks off, she tells those seated around her that she'll "sing it on the low," and breaks into song again.

The whole thing was eventually settled when she stopped singing. Storm had a video out later in which she said she was not breaking any rules.

She was just "spreading joy."


Listen. We all need joy.  Also peace and quiet and boundaries. Her love of her faith is commendable, and she should sing to her heart's content any time she is in her home or in a room full of people who came for the purpose of hearing her sing.

My personal nightmare is a whole group of people all singing at once.  All different songs, and they all sound like Justin Bieber at his various stages of voice maturation. 


 

Thursday, November 16, 2023

Taking the plunge

I believe it was last summer when some kids who were hanging around Harborplace in Downtown Baltimore's waterfront took the notion on a seriously scorching hot day to jump into the harbor.

A lot of the people who watched the scary spectacle were frankly surprised that the kids surfaced and clambered back onto the promenade without their shorts and tees being eaten alive by chemicals,  and without man-eating octopi and piranhas clinging to their appendages.

But! Ever-hopeful downtown boosters are now saying that the city's harbor is plenty safe to swim in and go fishing. The city's Waterfront Partnership is out with their annual Healthy Harbor Report Card to show that the harbor water is of good-enough quality to allow for people actually getting wet with it on dry-weather days.



 

The city has spent over a billion bucks to repair sewers and wastewater handling devices, and say this has resulted in a 97% reduction in sewage overflows in the harbor in the past five years.

And look who's moving in! Menhaden, diamondback turtles, dolphins, and I don't know what-all else has been seen swimming down there.

Look for humans to join them in the tentatively-scheduled "Harbor Splash" in 2024.

You first!

 

 

Wednesday, November 15, 2023

Apostrophe Catastrophe

In the US, we have Barnes & Noble, the nationwide bookstore chain also known as "Barnes & Nobel" and in Baltimore, as "Barnes & Noble's."

We personalize our stores here by making their name possessive, like "Home Depot's" and "Rite Aid's." It's been going on forever here, and there seems to be nothing anyone can do about it.

Meanwhile. back home in England, there is a chain of bookstores that used to be known as "Waterstone's," but officially changed that to "Waterstones" in 2012, saying that they wanted to make their name simpler to spell "in the digital age."

The TIMES of London newspaper reports there was criticism of this change over the years, even going so far as to say some Britons became "terribly cross" about it. I will have to check with a real English person as to whether being "terribly cross" is worse than "getting one's knickers in a twist."  

The ultimate referee in these matters would be the Apostrophe Protection Society, and they have signalled their approval of the change from Waterstone's to Waterstones. I suppose this decision came after a fun-filled weekend at Caesars Palace.  


The old, correct, way.
The new, wrong, way.

Tuesday, November 14, 2023

Whooooops

Some of the best pieces of advice I ever received came from older guys I worked with during my checkered career. The produce guy at the A&P once leaned into a group conversation a few of us were having instead of working, and he said, "Boys, before you tell a woman her nylons are sagging, make damn sure she's wearing nylons!"

Noted, and I guess he found out that out the hard way. Also, don't make the mistake I saw a guy make one October 30, by pointing and laughing at someone else's get-up! "What are you supposed to be, Morticia Addams or something?" he guffawed, only to be told that a) Halloween was the next day and b) that clingy black dress was considered high class among those who had any.

And I believe it was Sarah Silverman who coached us all never to congratulate a woman on her pregnancy "unless you actually see a baby coming out of her." Good advice. 

All this is to help us all guard against being like Richard Fairman, critic for the Financial Times. Reviewing opening night of Das Rheingold at the Royal Opera House, Fairman said that 81-year-old actress Rose Knox-Peebles's make-up was "frightful." 

It's only natural!

And then, he found out she wasn't wearing makeup. Fairman said that Ms. Rose Knox-Peebles was "made up to look quite a fright." Knox-Peebles wrote to the paper: "This is not so. I wore no make-up – the 'fright' look is all naturally mine."

Monday, November 13, 2023

McMad

There must be something about McDonald's in the White Marsh section of our county.

A few years ago, on a busy Labor Day, Peggy and I were in line at the one over by the Post Office as the kids behind the counter were sear-sizzling the patties, applying condiments and cheese to them, and wrapping the burgers in rolls to feed the multitude. Yes, it was busy, and people wanted their McLunches and little chicken nuggies and fries and what-have-you. Everyone was working as hard as possible to feed the 5,000 with the five loaves and two fish, when suddenly, to the surprise of all, some yahoo from the back of the line started hollering, "We're hungry!" and "How about a little less talk and a little more work?" and the capper, "I thought this was supposed to be FAST food! Get moving."

Well.  A hush fell over the crowd and no one bothered to pick it up. You could have heard a fry drop in that restaurant as everyone stared at the bigmouth, mouths agape. People looked at him, then at the kids behind the counter, and then back at him. And no one was batting an eye for a while. Eventually the kids, shaking their heads in disbelief, went back to frying and wrapping and bagging.

And Mr Mouth suddenly became Mr Shut His Mouth And Walk Out.

Now comes word that at the other McDonald's, the one down by Target and Lowes, a guy appeared at the drive-thru window the other day, and the only thing he was driving was himself crazy.

Of course, someone was shooting video, and it has now gone viral. You can see it here, if you haven't had your daily fill of insanity.

According to police. the employees said this well-regulated citizen became angry in the drive-thru line and reached in to grab objects and toss them around while demanding food.

 

Police know who he is and they have filed charges, but they offered no further details.

In this year 2023, it really is a miracle that he didn't express himself through his sacred 2nd Amendment rights and turn the Golden Arches into a shooting gallery.

This world, and specifically this country, is rapidly filling up with people of parlous mental conditions. I'll join the millions who prefer to cook and eat their own food in their own homes.


 

Sunday, November 12, 2023

Sunday Rerun: Dunk 'em

 From NPR, I read about a man on a noble mission: His name is Alex Schwartz, and he has set a goal to "taste and review every fresh apple cider doughnut" he can find.

He's on Instagram with pictures and locations where these delicacies can be found. He calls himself the "Cider Donuteur." 

And he has a map that shows where to take your cider donut craving, but it doesn't include local Baltimore places. Here in the 410, we go to Weber's Farm in Cub Hill, and Richardson's Farm in Middle River/Cowenton. I've had Weber's, and nothing says autumn like a visit there to stock up on donuts and apples.

If you're wondering, here's why apple cider donuts are so good: they contain apple cider. That sounds simple, but stop and consider how people get so happy about "Pumpkin Spice" everything, none of which contains pumpkin. I've said it a million times: if you want your coffee to taste like pumpkin spice, get a can of pie-ready pumpkin and stir a teaspoonful of it into your java.  I say this, and people act as if I recommended stirring some cyanide in with your Chase & Sanborn. But apple cider makes a plain donut so tasty, I might even add some to my tea one day!

Of course, as with any commodity, there are cider donuts, and there are cider donuts. When Schwartz talks about one of the 32,945 donuts he has had, he judges them by freshness, crumb texture, sugar level and, of course, taste.

You have to hand it to Mr Schwartz, because his goal of tasting one from every farm stand is lofty. He once ate six apple cider doughnuts from six different places in a single day. "My stomach was not super jazzed about that," Schwartz said. "But, you know, I was doing it for the cause."

He goes on to say you should try to get them hot and fresh (uh, yeah!) and look for sweetness, airiness, moistness, crispy fry-ness, and sponginess.

Just don't look for Eliot Ness.


Seriously, it's the best part of the year, and cider donuts are the best part of the best part of the year. Eat them slowly or gobble them, chase them with milk, tea, coffee, whatever. 

Better hurry, though. The next thing you know, all the stores will be full of heavily-iced Thanksgiving cookies in the shape of a turkey, and then Christmas cookies, in the shape of Santa Claus.

And you'll wish you had stocked up on cider donuts and frozen some!

Saturday, November 11, 2023

The Saturday Picture Show, November 11, 2023

 

Today is the day for everyone who waited for the sixth annual Patterson Park Brewfest here in Baltimore, from 11:00 a.m. - 4:30 p.m. Many years ago, during the insane summer heat in our town, people who lived near this park would haul their blankets out and sleep beneath the stars there, rather than spend the night in the brick rowhouses than sort of became ovens in summer. Who knows, maybe people will want to sleep there tonight!

If you're decorating for the holidays already, don't forget to water your silver aluminum tree, so it doesn't dry out.
There's nothing like the 30-year-old memories I enjoy, streaming "NYPD Blue" on Hulu. What stories, what visuals, and what a cast! David Caruso, Dennis Franz,  Amy Brenneman, James McDaniel, Sherry Stringfield, and Nicholas Turturro.
Don't be so distracted by the beautiful fall foliage on the Kancamagus Highway in Lincoln, New Hampshire, that you miss the slightly hairy hairpin turn!
This is a real caterpillar on Sanibel Island, Florida. not an inflatable toy. Still...it looks like one!
Did you know there were pink pineapples on this earth? 
Looks like the young kangaroo was acting and was sent to its room! Whatever, they keep things hopping down there.
Dog owners tell me they can reason with their pooches. As a cat man myself, I wouldn't even try.

Slugging first baseman Frank Howard, of the old Washington Senators, hit many a ball a mighty long way. He launched this one way up high in the cheap seats at RFK Stadium. They painted the seat white to commemorate Frank's long homerun, which he hit off a pitcher who actually had a surgery named for him. Ulnar Collateral Ligament Reconstruction is better known as Tommy John surgery.

Baltimore's own Chick Webb suffered from a chronic physical deformity caused by falling down a flight of stairs at the family home in East Baltimore. The mishap left him with limited use of his legs and shoulders, but he could play the drums and lead a band and he became one of the leading swing bandleaders in the 1930s. I'm enjoying a new biography of Chick right now.

Friday, November 10, 2023

What's the score?

 Guess what? I've found a new time-waster. It's a thing called Scorigami, which a guy named Jon Bois developed with a great idea and a hell of a lot of research. What you do is, you look for final scores in NFL games that have never happened before!


There are several ways to score in American Football. A team can't score one point (for a kicked point after touchdown) without having scored a touchdown (six points) first. So there will be no 1-0 games, and there are thousands of them in baseball. The other ways to score are a field goal (three points), a safety (two) and a two point conversion which is the team's option after a touchdown.

This past Sunday, the Houston Texans beat the Tampa Bay Buccaneer 39-37, and that was the first time that score was turned in ever, so SCORIGAMI!

Here's the link to the web page where all the scores are tabulated. You can even put in a score you just made up and find out how many times a game ended with that count - if ever!