Seedy

You really wouldn't think that, especially in this lunatic year we call 2020, that people would receive an anonymously-sent pack of seeds bearing a Chinese postmark, and then plant them.

BUT that seems to be what's happening.

People all over this great country of ours are getting seeds in the mail and then heading for the shed to get the hoe and shovel and putting those bad boys in the ground, with not a whit of an idea what will grow.

And really, how do they know they aren't Covid seeds, eh?

The seeds are in all different shapes, colors and sizes, but they all seem to have been mailed from China.  BUT no one knows what they might be, or what might grow, and why people would stick them in the garden and water them is beyond me.

I mean, doesn't there even seem to be a chance that something is wrong here?

The US Department of Agriculture says people in at least 27 states have received these mystery seeds, and they urge you to contact local agricultural officials if a package lands in your mailbox.

"Please hold onto the seeds and packaging, including the mailing label, until someone from your State department of agriculture or APHIS contacts you with further instructions," the USDA's Animal and Plant Health Inspection Service says. "Do not plant seeds from unknown origins."

The USDA says this might be part of what it known as a "brushing scam." That's where people receive such fakeroos and then the crooks who sent them make up glowing reviews to make it look like you raved about their Coconut Patties.

Or - you could be planting an invasive species, causing an ecological disaster.

"An invasive plant species might not sound threatening, but these small invaders could destroy Texas agriculture," Sid Miller, Texas's agriculture commissioner, says.

And scientists agree — that's why the USDA has such strict rules on importing plants and other organic materials.

Professor Carolee Bull with Penn State's Plant Pathology and Environmental Microbiology study, told The New York Times: "The reason that people are concerned is — especially if the seed is the seed of a similar crop that is grown for income and food, or food for animals — that there may be plant pathogens or insects that are harbored in the seed."

And of course, there's this.  One woman told a local tv station that the package she received was labeled "jewelry."

“It was labeled on the outside chrysanthemum-studded earrings; I didn't want to put it in the ground because I didn't know what it was going to do, so I put it in its own individual pot, right then and there and been watering it ever since, but nothing ever grew,” the woman said.

I'm no Luther Burbank, but I'm sure that earrings don't grow in the ground, so if you receive these weird seeds, call the Maryland Dept of Agriculture at 410-841-5920.

Moon shot

Pluto and friend

I will freely admit that most three-year-olds know more about what's up in outer space than I do. I must have been out sick the day they taught us that in elementary school. I can't keep it straight whether the earth revolves around the sun or the moon, or if we sit still and Pluto and the rest of them spin around us, and at this stage of my life (late) it hardly seems to matter. If any kids hover around me and start asking questions about the cosmos, I can just tell them to run and get a mask, and while they go look for one, I hide.

However, the good old Washington POST publishes a page called KidsPost, and I can glean a lot of good information on that. F'rinstance, how does it come that we see the moon during the daytime sometimes, huh? I'm grateful that they put it in terms a child can comprehend. Let me paraphrase...

The moon and the stars are up there all the time. We just can't see them all the time.  (I happen to know that the sun spends its nights in other parts of the world).

Ask Cheyenne Polius. She's an astrophysicist, and president and co-founder of the Saint Lucia National Astronomy Association in the Caribbean region.

When we have a new moon (that's when it all starts over) the the half moon that the sun lights up is facing away from us here on Earth. So the moon is still there (don't worry) but it's invisible to us during the day, what with all that sunlight being reflected in the other direction.

Then, the moon goes on a trip around Earth, and little by little more of it is visible, starting off as a crescent or half moon.

“The best time to see the moon during the day is when it’s in the first and last quarter phases (90 degrees away from the sun) because that’s when we can see half of the moon’s lit side while the sun is still up,” Polius says.

Then when the moon is halfway through spinning its way through an orbit, it gets behind the earth, as far as the sun is concerned, and we get to see the entire full moon at night.

The picture of the new moon below just gave me a jarring memory. I WAS in school that day. The kids sitting near me reported hearing a thud as I fell asleep and onto the floor.

"His unwavering positivity and kindness"

I'm sad to say that Mo Gaba passed away last night. The end came just a few hours after the announcement that Mo (born Mossila Gaba), 14, had been elected to the Orioles Hall of Fame. He was the second-ever recipient of the Wild Bill Hagy Award, named after the huge fan who drove a cab by day and drove attendance higher than ever in the 1970s and 1980s at old Memorial Stadium. The award is for fans "who have inspired others with their devotion to the team, and demonstrated an exceptional commitment in support of the Orioles."

If you listen to the sports talk radio shows in Baltimore, you heard Mo. He called in every day to share his vast knowledge and well-informed opinions about local sports. He knew what he was talking about, and radio was the perfect medium for Mo, who had lost his eyesight at the age of nine months, because of a cancerous tumor.

So he became quite the local celebrity with his phone calls. Soon he was at the games and special events, such as Orioles FanFest, where he was a special guest.

In 2017 he was there to throw out a ceremonial first pitch at "Kids' Opening Day, " and in 2019 when he doubled up on the first pitch by calling "PLAAAAAAAAY BALLLLLL!" on the mic to start the season.

Trey Mancini and Mo Gaba

Mo was named Press Box Magazine's Sportsperson of the Year for 2019, and even though the Orioles plumbed the depths of futility last year, the Ravens, with breakout star Lamar Jackson, had a terrific season, and still Mo got the nod as Sportsperson of the Year.

Quite a few of the local athletes really took to Mo. The football Ravens had him announce their 4th-round draft pick last year, making Mo the the first person to read the name of an NFL choice from a Braille selection card when he welcomed Ben Powers from the University of Oklahoma with the Ravens’ fourth-round pick.

But we seem to associate Mo with Orioles outfielder more than anyone else. They've been buddying around for years down at the ballpark. Mancini was probably the best player on the O's last year, and that represented a good comeback for someone who had a not-so-great season in 2018. Mancini credits Mo as the inspiration for getting his batting back on track, and as 2019 ended and the 2020 season was getting underway, Mancini himself was stricken with colon cancer, and had surgery in March to remove the tumor.

Trey had this to say yesterday as the announcement of the award was made, just hours before Mo left this vale:

“There is no one more deserving of this incredible honor than Mo. Throughout his battles with cancer, Mo never lost his kind spirit, his sense of humor, or his love of the Orioles. His tremendous courage and unwavering positivity in the face of such challenging circumstances have made him an inspiration to me and so many others,” shared Mancini. “It is fitting that Mo will now have a place in the Orioles Hall of Fame alongside some of the most iconic figures in franchise history, and for him to be honored as the recipient of the Wild Bill Hagy Award is truly special. I could not be happier for my friend, Mo, and his mother, Sonsy.”

The Orioles added this: "Mo’s positive energy has been constant throughout every battle and continues to bring the entire city of Baltimore together in the face of ongoing crisis. His unwavering positivity and kindness are qualities every Baltimorean aspires to emulate. Mo Gaba has impacted more people in his 14 years than most people do in an entire lifetime."

I've been saying this a lot lately: we'll be talking about 2020 for a long long time, and we'll remember Mo Gaba at least that long.

It's the pits

"(This) has been catastrophic for the industry, says Jim Sitton. “Covid has pretty much shut our business down for the moment,” Sitton says. “If the industry comes back, hopefully we’ll be around to see that happen.”

"This" is the COVID-19 novel coronavirus, you know.  Care to guess what industry Mr Sitton is part of?

The restaurant industry? Not directly.

Automobile sales? No.

Gambling, airlines, hotels, movie theaters, live sports?

No, no, no, no, and no.

He is president of 21st Century Products, which manufactures ball-pit balls.

Foolhardy

Think about it. Even the most foolhardy of us knows the basics of keeping oneself free of the deadly virus.  Well, almost.

And who's about to share drinks or attend large parties or hug strangers or reach into a communal dish of bar snacks, knowing the risks inherent?

And who in the world would send their child to a pool of colorful plastic balls to "swim" among the cooties left behind by who knows who?

As the Washington POST describes them, a ball pit is "What once looked like an ocean of color is now a sea of respiratory droplets. Unsafe waters. A breeding ground for extremophile bacteria, like the darkest crevices of the Mariana Trench."

Professor Peter Raynor from the University of Minnesota School of Public Health notes that when we look at covid risks, "We talk about the three C's:

• Closed spaces
• Crowded places
• Close contact

Ball pits tick off all three!

All across the country, it's sort of a back-burner issue as to when ball pits will be open again.  Massachusetts puts them in Phase 4 (and we're having trouble getting past phase 2 in most states). California put out a list of recreational facilities that could reopen, and they were nowhere to be seen. Even Tennessee, which seemed so avid to reopen everything asap, calls pits “areas where social distancing is difficult or impossible to maintain” and that means they are off limits to visitors.

Nationally, when you think ball pits, you think of McDonald's Play Places (Closed) and IKEA's Småland (that's the Swedish word for "place to leave the kids so you can go upstairs and shop for bar stools and knife blocks) “will remain closed at this time as an added safety measure. We are unable to comment about the future of ball pits at this time," says an IKEA spökeswömän.

Professor Raynor reminds us that even though people will tell you that play areas, dining spaces, and theater seats have been treated with antibacterial cootie spray, antibacterial is not anti­viral.

And he points out that it would be embarrassing "for someone who contracts the corona­virus to have to admit to a contact tracer that they had been playing in a ball pit during a pandemic. It’s something that’s not necessary, and it’s kind of pointless,” he says. “Why take the risk at this point in time?”

So let's not.

Now you see him

How about I tell you a story that begins with "Florida man," but no one gets shot out of a homemade cannon or loses his Cremaster muscles to a crocodile outside of Parrotland or is found smuggling styrofoam cleverly hidden inside other styrofoam?

Florida Man Paul Cole was not planning to be famous, but it's the old thing about right place, right time. The right time was August 8 of 1969, and the right place was on a street in London when four men he later called "kooks" "went across the street like a row of ducks."

Holler out when you figure what I'm talking about here.

Mr Cole was on a European vacation with his wife at the time. She wanted to go see an aviation museum; he didn't, so he stayed out walking about, talking to a policeman he met when the kooky ducks walked across the street before him.

The four were later identified as John Lennon (white suit), Ringo Starr (mod black suit, white shirt), George Harrison (two-tone denim) and Paul McCartney (blue suit, no shoes) - The Beatles, strutting their way into history.

Mr Cole didn't even see a photographer taking one of the most famous pictures in music history. He didn't even know anything about The Beatles, other than he didn't like them (“If they were on television, I’d flip to something else," he told interviewers) and had no idea about any of this until he and his wife had returned to their home in Deerfield Beach and she, an organist, bought a copy of the LP to learn a song for a wedding for which she was hired to play.

Looking at the album cover, he reported, “I did a double-take and said, ‘Hey, that’s me!’ "

For years until he left this earth, he was able to say,  "You don’t realize it, but you’re talking to a person whose picture is in millions of homes throughout the world."

That autumn, the rumor about Paul McCartney being dead ("slain in a bloody car crash") since 1966, replaced by the winner of a Paul McCartney Look-Alike Contest, went around. Part of the proof some of its proponents proffered was that Paul was in the picture not wearing shoes, because in some faiths people are buried barefoot.

McCartney was seen out of step with the other "ducks" in the picture, but that can be explained if you ask yourself what it's like to cross a paved street in August.

A cool website!

I'm fascinated with names, and I often consult this website www.names.org to find out things about names.

Things such as, what are the trending names these days? (Liam, Noah, William; Emma, Olivia, Ava).

Names with English origin now popular for American babies? (Oliver, Maverick, Leo, Lincoln, Grayson; Amelia, Everly, Charlotte, Eleanor, Hazel).

Most popular names in the 1960s? (Scott, Todd, Jeff, Chris, Tim; Lisa, Tammy, Lori, Tina, Robin.)

This one knocks me out: Most popular girl names in the 1920s: Marjorie, Muriel, Bette, Imogene, Eleanore, Dortha, Leatrice, Emogene, Ruthe, Mafalda.

"Mafalda? Dortha?"

Boy names, 1920s: Seymour, Morton, Patsy, Harding, Hoover, Hideo, Toshio, Minoru, Coolidge, Mitsuo.

You know this elementary educator as Seymour Skinner, but his actual birth name is Armin Tamzarian. Please don't ask why I know this.

Most popular names for boys in the US Mideast (DE, DC, MD, NJ, NY, and PA):  Salvatore, Gerard,  Dominick,  Angelo, Francis, Vincent, Peter, Bernard, Joseph.

Girls, same area:  Rosemarie, Maryann,  Eileen, Antoinette, Maureen, Miriam, Michele,  Joan,  Joanne,  Dolores.

Not from the website, but based on what I hear around town: This week's most popular baby names: Person, Woman, Man, Camera, TV.

Sunday Rerun: Yeah, I remember MY first beer too

We got to talking about school field trips the other day. Living in Baltimore, America's Greatest City*, we are close to terrific places for schoolchildren to visit as part of their academic enrichment*. Sixth graders used to go to Williamsburg, VA, for what is for many the first time they have slept away from the watchful eyes of their parents. I don't know if they still do this.

Nor do I know if journalism students go to New York for the School Paper convention held at Columbia University, and who knows if the 8th graders go to Washington DC anymore?

I remember the trip to Williamsburg very well, and I bought a paisley tie at the Columbia bookstore that I still wear, and the trip to DC was fun too. I always loved the Smithsonian Museum and all the cool stuff they show.

Speaking of being shown stuff in DC, say hi to Michael Comeau, erstwhile principal of Holy Family School in Louisiana. I say erstwhile, because he just resigned his position, about 12 seconds before he was going to have a can tied to him.

On Friday morning last at 0220 hours, District Police responded to the Archibald Gentlemen's Club for a report of “an intoxicated man refusing to pay his bill,” according to report in The Advocate.  Arriving police found Comeau “standing in the roadway, refusing to move.”

The popo asked the drunk principal time after time to get out of the street, but he was having none of it (he had already had plenty of something else). So they popped him on charges of public intoxication and possession of an open container.  All this took place within a mile of the White House, that well-known bastion of rectitude and clean living.

Back home in Bayou Country, the Diocese of Baton Rouge confirmed the incident, but took pains to point out that all the students were in their hotel rooms being supervised by chaperones while the principal was getting shafahzed in a nudie bar.

We were foolish enough to go to Williamsburg a few years ago during spring break week, meaning that we wound up in a hotel with dozens of testosterony and estrogenified 14-year-olds. One poor chaperone told us they had to take shifts sitting in a chair in a hallway, lest young Rupert gain entrance to Priscilla Mae's chambers as the clock struck 2.

I can't speak for (ex)Principal Comeau, and I don't know what he will tell his family when he gets back in LA, but I know this much for sure: the kids on that trip will have a story to tell their children's children's children.

The Saturday Picture Show, July 25, 2020

In Margate, New Jersey, they are celebrating the 139th birthday of local attraction Lucy The Elephant. It's pretty cool up in there; I saw it when I was a kid. Stop by and see her, because an elephant never forgets!

They only made one of these, in 1936. It's called an autogiro, a combo car and helicopter. The guy who invented it flew it to DC, landed on a street, folded up the rotors and drove it to the Smithsonian, where it resides yet today.

Potato Chips were invented when a chef got tired of people sending their fried potatoes back to the kitchen, demanding thinner and thinner slices. This took place in Saratoga Springs, New York, and the name of the chef was George Crum. He has a restaurant called Crum's House, and how cool would it be to eat at a place with a name like that?

Death Valley CA lives up to its name, because I would rather be gone for good than live in a place where it's 129°.

This is certainly the test of anyone's navigational skills...piloting a ship through the Corinth Canal in Greece.

Did you forget about Lucy already? Someone took this picture at just the right time in Nairobi, Kenya.

Continuing our series of pictures of leaders of nations around the world acting like everyday people, let's take an ice cream break with Armen Sarkissian of Armenia.

I had forgotten about these 90's doodads, but here's another Magic Eye picture for you. Put your eyes right up close and see the magic!

Hold It

Oh, the way things used to be!

You'll tell your grandchildren about the days when, if you saw something cool that you wanted a photo of, you had to tell the guy who just spilled a whole tray of beer, or the squirrel who looked so cute eating corn on your back porch, or the person who's just about to smack down in the pool with a belly-whopper like no one has ever seen before to wait while you ran home and grabbed the Brownie camera.

Now, that phone is out of your pocket or pockeybook before the last glass of beer hits the barroom floor, the squirrel reaches for his tiny dental floss, or Uncle Jimbo has the time to say, "Hold my beer, Cletus! Watch this rightcheer!"

And you snap and video and the whole thing is on the web before Jimbo finds his soggy t-shirt!

There was another alternative, and it's enjoying some sort of renaissance. A mainstay at every boardwalk arcade and Skee-Ball joint was always the 25 cent photobooth.  You and your friend or significant other or just yourself sat down on a tiny stool that had hosted butts since Lincoln was in Junior High, dropped in a quarter, and sat there for three snapshots that were "delivered in 3 minutes" from a little slot on the side of the booth.

The new life I spoke of is that technology has given us the ability to have portable versions of these photobooths at weddings, retirement parties, bar-and-bat mitzvahs and Quinceañeras so that attendees may remember the day by posting the picture on the front of the Kelvinator.

Another use for the photostrips? Bookmarks! People love marking their place in the latest John Grisham page turner with their vacation booth photos, and that brings us to Emma Smreker. Emma (no idea how to pronounce her last name) is from Oklahoma (OKE-la-HOME-a) goes to a half-price bookstore called Half Priced Books. One day not long ago, she was flipping through a used book and one of those strips popped out.  This is it, above.

The picture shows a young girl and an adult man mugging for the camera.  It seems like they're having a good time and everyone is there of their own volition, but Ms Smreker is on the case to return the picture.

"It's so darling.. the silly little faces they're making and everything," Smreker told KOCO-TV. "I can't imagine that someone would just willingly give that away in a book without realizing that they're losing that photo."

Emma pasted the photo array all over social media, but so far, no one has contacted her to say, "Hey! That's my uncle Nabob and me at Sunova Beach last summer!"

If you recognize these two, you know what to do.  Because I don't.

World's biggest ass kills world's biggest ram

You might recall the "Driller Killer," a dentist from Minnesota who seems to take pleasure from killing animals. A few years ago he hid in a tree and illegally lured Cecil The Lion out of Hwange National Park in Zimbabwe.  Cecil was six years old, a beloved figure that was taking part in studies led by a team from Oxford University, and this toothyanker ambushed him.

Dr. Walter Palmer is 60 now, still identified as a "recreational big-game hunter" (although just how killing defenseless animals is part of someone's "recreation" is hard to figure) and now it turns out that last August, he spent almost $100,000 to partake in the pleasure of a trip to Mongolia for the pleasure of killing an endangered Altai argali, the world’s biggest ram, with a crossbow.

"I shoot defenseless animals. I consider myself admirable. I'm wrong twice."

Dr Teresa Telecky, wildlife vice-president at Humane Society International, said this to the Daily Mirror: “For trophy hunters to travel to Mongolia to kill a beautiful and ­endangered ram is an absolute outrage. The argali ram is a species in danger of extinction, so the idea that these animals can be killed for pleasure is abhorrent. The killing of Cecil the lion five years ago caused international shock. But clearly the killing for kicks continues. It’s time for the law to stop wildlife killers in their tracks by banning trophy hunting.”

I can see the argument in favor of hunting for food. I know a guy who bags his limit of deer every fall and personally pays for the meat to be delivered to homeless shelters, and many others do the same.

And I can see hunting when it comes to protecting life and property from menacing animals. That happens.

But when it comes down to thrill killing an animal to obtain hides, heads and claws to be displayed as a symbol of one's "superiority," I don't see it, which is why I am in favor of teaching animals to operate crossbows and rifles to make it a fair fight.

By the sea

It's a shame that we Americans are not allowed to travel the world, because here is a great place a lot of us might like to go and see.

It's in Greece, or off the coast of Greece.  It's the 2,000-year-old shipwreck of the Peristera. It's 92 feet below the surface of the Aegean Sea off the coast of the island of Alonissos and from early August until October 2, it will be open as an underwater museum.

An amphora

Late in the 5th Century BC, before online shopping brought amphorae to homes with ease, they were transported by B.A. ships. The Peristera is thought to have been carrying 4000 clay amphorae (those tall dual-handled bottles from back in the day), likely filled with the Greek version of pinot noir.

Greece used to patrol the area of the wreck to keep Scuba Steve away, but since 2005, they have been opening undersea wonders to those who will (pay to) see them close up.

On the floor

It's obvious, you won't be able to see the ship itself, because it was made of wood and, well, it's been a few years since the 5th Century BC. The bottles, resting in Davy Jones's Locker all this time, share the sea floor with fish and SpongeBob.

The only reason we even know about where she went down is that in 1985, some of the amphorae began floating off the coast of Alonissos.

And no one knows WHY she went down. Fire on board? Overloaded? Piracy? A hole in the hull?

We will never know that unless an ancient tape recording made at the time of the sinking bobs to the surface, and that seems unlikely. At any rate, after October, the site is closed to tourists until next summer. Let's hope things are different then!

Scuba Steve will meet you there

Frankly

Prior to 1954, everyone thought it was impossible for a human to run a mile in less than four minutes.  Then, an Englishman named Roger Bannister, age 25, scooted around the track four times in 3:59.4.

And then everyone thought, that will never be topped.  Top this!  Hicham El Guerrouj is the current men's record holder with his time of 3:43.13. 

The only time any male has ever run faster than that was the time at age 13 when I stumbled onto a cache of dirty magazines, Marlboro cigarettes, Atomic Jaw Breakers and cherry bombs owned by some older guys down the road. But that's another story for another time.

We always expect to do better at our endeavors then the last guy who tried it. Just ask Kris Humphries! Or Joey "Jaws" Chestnut who recently had 75 hot dogs for lunch to win the Nathan's Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest.

40 years ago, in 1980, in the same ten-minute time period, the winner ate 10 franks.  Athletes will train and do better, and surely "Jaws" will aim for 76 tube steaks next year, if there is one. (A year, not a hot dog contest).

But there seems to be a limit to everything, with the possible exception of the Kardashians. As we often do, let's turn to a physiologist ("a biological scientist who studies how plants and animals function under both normal and abnormal conditions," as we all know). James Smoliga is a physiologist from High Point University, and he has done all the figurin', and he says that upward limit of Nathan's famous dogs on rolls that a human can gobble in ten minutes is 83. To arrive at this goal, Smoliga used to mathematical formulas that he also uses to figure out peak athletic performance in the field of track and, uh, field.

In frank-gobbling or sprint-running, it seems to be a common trait that at first, competitors's scores go way up at first. and then the rate of increase becomes more gradual. That makes sense. That score of ten dogs 40 years ago seems minuscule now, but at first, it was topped by a large margin every year, and now Chestnut is gasping to get #75 down his gullet.

"Jaws" Chestnut, left, and Mike Sudo.

This year's female champion, Miki Sudo, got down 48 1/2 dogs.  If you want to challenge her next July 4th, here's her regimen: high-volume foods, like soup, heads of broccoli and “enough kale to kill a horse.” She knows that this will stretch her belly a little at a time, like when you get gauges in your ear and gradually add larger ones until you can put a nice fresh hot dog in your lobe and wear that to dinner.

Where's the beef?

Many people don't understand that air pollution is a real thing. Our cars, our factories, and other energy users contribute to that.

I guess that younger people of today would be surprised that this nation once elected a former actor in terrible movies to serve as its president for two terms! That obscure historical figure was known as Ronald Reagan. He was very good at playing the role of president and was effective at reading the words others wrote for him.  When he used his own words, he revealed himself to be living in a land far from the facts.

Take this one: In 1981, Reagan said that trees produce more air pollution than automobiles. This was based on someone having told him that forests do produce volatile organic compounds and stinky hydrocarbons that form part of air pollution.  BUT he must have stepped out for more jelly beans when the speaker went on to say that this happens because of other substances reacting to the tree emissions...and those other substances are the results of things such as car exhaust. 

You have to wonder if there was so much air pollution in the days before mechanized transportation. When we went from place to place on horses, the only source of foul air was old Stewball.

Today, science figures that 3.9% of US global greenhouse gas emissions comes from livestock. You wouldn't think that cow flatulence was such a big problem, unless you ever tried to walk barefoot across a pasture.  Then you'd know!

Leave it to the good people over at Burger King. They have come up with a solution. They are going to add lemongrass to the daily diet Old Bessie enjoys as she dines out in the field, waiting for her chance to star in a Whopper.

The new patty that results from the new diet will be available only for a short time at select locations in Miami, New York, Austin, Portland and Los Angeles.

The guess is that eating lemongrass will reduce about a third of methane emissions (!) as the bovines await their day at the abattoir.

It's not only because some feel that meat is bad for them...some also gave up real filet mignon for plant-based "meat" because of environmental concerns. Using Impossible Burgers leads to 89% fewer greenhouse gas emissions than patties from cow’s beef.

If there is a more ludicrous oxymoron than "plant-based beef," it might be "resident alien," but that's "old news."

Sunday Rerun: Blame It On The Moon

In the early days of our marriage, Peggy and I really had to get to know each other.  Our engagement was so brief that we still had to go on voyages of discovery to find out how we liked our burgers cooked (rare for me, medium for her), whether she liked hominy made from scratch ("What is hominy?") and how cold was cold, how hot was hot.

We settled most of those matters. Peggy still won't touch hominy, or grits, for that matter. After lengthy negotiations, we finally figured out what thermostat settings (summer and winter) are good compromises, and most of the time, I can fix a satisfactory burger.

But there was one question I asked Peggy about that got me a look of utter stupefaction and an adamant "How could you even ASK that?"

It's the kind of thing that can be enjoyed in mixed company among consenting adults, or in homogeneity. It doesn't matter. It's pleasurable, no one gets hurt, and it gives fresh air to a body part that is all too often covered in denim.

We're talking about mooning here, and it was quite the popular sport in my youth.  Get a passenger with a sense of humor and pull up next to a car being driven by a Fred Rutherford type, have him drop trou, and hang a moon right on out the window.

1880's western style

Not that I ever was involved in such degradation, you understand, having devoted my teen years to quiet contemplation in dim salons and libraries and the "glass aisle" at the A&P (condiments, jams, jellies...) In junior high, we were fortunate enough to have a guy in our class whose brother was in high school, and from him we learned, like young seminarians from a bishop, that in wintertime when it was too cold to open the window, mooning was referred to as "pressed ham."

I heard about what was going on and I still find it hilarious, which explains why I still hold the record at the Regal Theatre in Bel Air as the only person ever to request a Senior Matinee Ticket for a "Jackass" movie.

I think that today's teens are too busy playing those video games and listening to Seven Seconds Of Summer or Z Money or whoever to ride in cars with their patooties on display, and that represents a dropoff in our culture from which we may never recover.

The Saturday Picture Show, July 18, 2020

Here is the list, supposedly written by Elvis's dad Vernon, of the items that were to be on hand at Graceland "for Elvis - AT ALL TIMES - EVERY DAY." In case you haven't done your shopping for the week, please print and take this to the BiSumMor this afternoon.

Meteorologists will tell you that this red rainbow occurred in Finland because it was in the morning sunrise, when dust and air particles scatter sunlight to block out the prismatic blues and green and enhancing the reds and oranges. I couldn't say how right that is, not being schooled in the art of meteorology, but still, it sounds reasonable.

Man! This escalator is sloooooooooow!

I'm not the only one who is obsessed by knowing what time it is!

I was going to say that one time the Washington Bullets had the tallest (7' 7" Manute Bol from Sudan) and the shortest (5' 3" Muggsy Bogues from Dunbar High in Baltimore) players in the NBA, but since the hot topic these days is D.C. team names, can you imagine there was a basketball team named the Bullets? And of course, they started out as the Baltimore Bullets.

I have to wonder about a laundromat that forbids patrons from folding their laundry. Are people just supposed to ball their clean stuff up and roll it home? Anyway, I like the punchback. We had origami the other night...it was great!

This is from the 1918 flu pandemic, but the message to the slackers is valid today.

If you don't recognize this landmark, I'm glad to say you have not yet seen Rock Bottom.

A scoop of history

One of the very best "Andy Griffith Show" episodes was the one called "Bailey's Bad Boy," (Season 2, episode 15, January 15, 1962) in which Bill Bixby plays young playboy Ron Bailey, who gets tossed in the Mayberry hoosegow for speeding and finally grows up with a nudge from Andy.

Forced to spend the day with the Taylors, young Ron is amazed to find that people actually make ice cream with a home freezer, and for anyone who ever had homemade ice cream back in the day, it reminds us of how great summer was when summers were sweet, pre-covid.

BUT! If you are like me and Thomas Jefferson, you love your ice cream so you won't mind going to a little colonial-style trouble and making your own! Old Tom learned to love ice cream in France, and when he returned to the fledgling US from there in 1789, he planned to make his own.

In 1791, he went on Ye Olde Amazone and ordered 50 vanilla bean pods, which, as he knew, are "much used in seasoning ice creams." And, before the days of Whirlpool home freezers, he needed to save ice from the previous winter, so he built an ice house at his house (Monticello) in 1802. Every winter, he and his crew went to the Rivanna River and sawed off 62 big ice blocks to store in there and use all summer. (He wrote in 1815 that his supply lasted until October.)

History records that George Washington wrote about ice cream, but Jefferson was kind enough to leave us a recipe, so here's the deal (from the Library of Congress)


Ice Cream.
2. bottles of good cream.
6. yolks of eggs.
1/2 lb. sugar

mix the yolks & sugar
put the cream on a fire in a casserole, first putting in a stick of Vanilla.

when near boiling take it off & pour it gently into the mixture of eggs & sugar.

stir it well.

put it on the fire again stirring it thoroughly with a spoon to prevent it's (sic) sticking to the casserole.

when near boiling take it off and strain it thro' a towel.

put it in the Sabottiere*

then set it in ice an hour before it is to be served. put into the ice a handful of salt.

put salt on the coverlid of the Sabottiere & cover the whole with ice.

leave it still half a quarter of an hour.

then turn the Sabottiere in the ice 10 minutes

open it to loosen with a spatula the ice from the inner sides of the Sabotiere.

shut it & replace it in the ice

open it from time to time to detach the ice from the sides

when well taken (prise**) stir it well with the Spatula.

put it in moulds, justling it well down on the knee.

then put the mould into the same bucket of ice.

leave it there to the moment of serving it.

to withdraw it, immerse the mould in warm water, turning it well till it will come out & turn it into a plate.



*The sabottiere is the canister still in use in many homes. In those days, they didn't have a crank, so "turn the Sabottiere in the ice 10 minutes," meant to have someone turn it upside down and back again many times.





This will be the best vanilla ice cream you ever had, so please invite me over to taste it! I'm free most nights.

**prise is the old form of "pry," meaning to move something with force.  You didn't have to pry that out of me!

Coining a new way

On our local Facebook page, in much the same way we talk about where to find the best Halloween costume for Junior and how best to make Hollandaise sauce, we talk of which stores just got a truckload of Lysol wipes and spray cleaners.

It seems like just the other day we were all in frenzied search of paper towels and toilet paper, but the Bounty lumberjack felled a few thousand extra Douglas firs and we're good to go. Literally.

So now, life has turned around and given us a new shortage, and no amount of money can fix this one. 

It's money.

Now there is a shortage of coins.

Here's why: “This is one of those things nobody really expected,” said Drew McKone, an executive vice president and chief deposit officer at Howard Bank. “But when you look in the rear view mirror, it makes sense. When the economy shut down and people stayed home, the supply of coin in the market was pretty much choked off.”

While we sat at home not spending coins, banks stopped making as many deposits to the Federal Reserve, and the US Mint cut down on how many coins they were cranking out to protect workers.

And then! Banks started opening up and ordering coins from the Fed, and they had to rummage through their other pants and the sofa cushions came up with $12,48 to pass out to all these banks.  So the Fed put limits on coin distribution in June.

Businesses that are open are starting to ask people to help. A sign at our local  Lowes home improvement store says, “The U.S. is currently experiencing a coin shortage. Please use correct change or other form of tender if possible.”

And some banks are giving people the option of having the coin amount of their cashed checks deposited electronically, or they ask that, in the case of a check you cash for $13.84, you give them 16 cents and they give you 14 dollars.

And some stores have those coin-swallowing machines where you can turn in your peanut butter jars full of coins for almost their dollar value (they do charge a fee for this).

McKone says that the 15 Howard Bank offices around town are checking with business customers about the coin supply. So far, they are keeping up, but "we have to be more aware of inventory and use,” he said.

“Coin was never in short supply,” before, he explains. "There was always an abundance, but now we have to be more mindful of what we have been able to get.”

I like the idea that Wawa came up. I also like their sandwiches, but anyway, their deal is, they ask if you would like to "round up" your purchase to the nearest dollar and donate the change to the Wawa Foundation.  So you buy lunch, it comes to $9.48, you give them a ten spot, and donate the 52 cents to local charities supporting causes related to health, hunger and everyday heroes and local chapters of the USO.

I like it when everyone wins.

Gallup Pole

I stumbled across this article in The Smithsonian Magazine.  When the topic is chemistry or economics or local zoning regulations, I scoot right on past it. But when the talk turns to firehouses, you have my undivided.

In the 1800s, firehouses were always built in two stories- sleeping and living quarters upstairs next to the top of the hose tower, where used hoses were hung up to dry, and horses and the horse-drawn pumper downstairs.

They used circular staircases between the two floors because the horses weren't about to climb them to get up and see what was cooking, or ask to be dealt in in the pinochle game.  But at the same time, that made it slow going for the crew to race downstairs and get to the fire.

So, sometime in the 1870s, a firefighter named David Kenyon of Company 21, an all-African-American firehouse in Chicago, had a lightbulb moment.

There happened to be a long pole in the firehouse. It was used to bale hay for the horses, and one time, in order to respond to a call, a fellow firefighter grabbed the pole upstairs and shimmied down.

Ah ha! Put in a permanent pole and cut down the clambering to the first floor!

After Firefighter Kenyon put in the pole, other firefighters thought it was a crazy idea...until they started noticing that Engine 21 was getting to calls well ahead of others. The idea spread to Boston in 1880, and they used a brass pole, which is what came to be the standard. By 1890, your firehouse either had that pole, or you were nowheresville!

There was then, and still is today, a certain competition among fire companies to get to the scene of an emergency rapidly, so they can begin rendering assistance. Certain bragging rights accrue to the crew that "got there first."

However, the Fire Service, a tradition-rich environment of men and women, occasionally comes across the world of law and public policy. Remember when you would see firefighters on the back step of an engine? It's been a while, I know. The explanation is that it was unsafe (obviously) to be hanging on the back of a vehicle racing through traffic, so they extended the cab and the people who used to stand in back of the bus got a seat right up the middle.

Lawyers being as they are, they did not use the term "guys falling off the engine." The term was "involuntary dismount," and I will not share the jokes that went along with that.

Getting rid of poles in fire stations is taking a while longer. The Occupational Safety and Health Administration says poles are the safest way to get down one floor, but of course they use the term "not an approved means of egress."

But some stations still have them, although one-story suburban stations obviously don't.  And there are hose dryers now, so there's no need for the hose tower.  But, for instance, Sean Colby, a lieutenant on Engine 10 in Boston says, “It’s a major part of firefighting. I enjoy using it and believe it’s an iconic tradition we shouldn’t let go.”

Speaking of the word egress, as you know, it means leaving or exiting. People didn't always know that, and P.T. Barnum, carnival huckster first class, found himself with a situation.  People paid to get in his sideshows, and then, they wouldn't leave, and he couldn't jam more people in the tent until some left.  So, he put up a sign by the exit reading "THIS WAY TO THE EGRESS," and people, thinking an egress was an animal or something else to see, hurried through, finding themselves right outside in a hurry, right where Barnum wanted them.

Bon jour

News item, sad as can be:

MULTIPLE injuries have been reported after an explosion and blaze hit a docked US navy assault ship late Saturday night.

Among the injured are 17 sailors and four civilians whose injuries have been described as non-life threatening. All remaining staff were evacuated from the ship.

In a statement, Rear Admiral Philip Sobeck said that the cause of the fire aboaed the USS Bonhomme Richard is not yet known, though there are initial reports that the following explosion was caused by “a backdraft of over-pressurisation as the compartment started heating up.”

This ship is the fifth US Navy vessel named the Bonhomme Richard. The last couple of days, I have heard the name of the ship being pronounced as if it were "BON home RICH ard," and your French teacher is mad at you about that. It's not "Bon" as in Bon Scott nor is it "Richard" as in Little Richard.

Here's a link to an audio pronunciation guide. Meanwhile, you may practice by saying bahnAHM reeSHAHD.

In French, Bonhomme Richard means Good Man Richard. The name is in honor of Benjamin Franklin, whom your American History teacher is sure you recall as the author of Poor Richard's Almanack (known in France as "Les Maximes du Bonhomme Richard"). Franklin, an author, publisher, inventor and statesman, was the first US Ambassador to France and is regarded there as "The First American" for his work in organizing the colonies into the United States.

The first ship known as USS Bonhomme Richard was a frigate built in France as the Duc de Duras, and was turned over to John Paul Jones in 1779 for his use in defeating the British. Renamed, it served well in battle.

Other vessels bore the name, most notably USS Bon Homme Richard (CV-31),  an aircraft carrier that saw action at the end of World War II, throughout the
Korean War, and through the Vietnam War.

The current version is USS Bonhomme Richard (LHD-6), is an amphibious assault ship currently in service since 1995. Let's hope it's not out of service for long and that all the injured personnel are back aboard soon!

Injustice system

Last week, a Baltimore City homicide sergeant, who lives in Baltimore County, was arrested and refused bail. Allegedly, he extorted money, kidnapped, and threatened to arrest a home contractor.

He had paid a guy money to build a patio at his house. He was unhappy that some of the paver stones were crumbling, and said that the patio should have been larger per the original agreement.  When the contractor showed up to discuss it all, he said he wanted more money to do more work.

The sergeant then is alleged to have demanded money back, and then showed the man printouts of his driving record, threatening to arrest him for driving on a suspended license.  He then put the man in a police car and drove him to a bank in Anne Arundel County, according to the charges, and made the man get a cashier's check for half the money paid.

Also, at one time during all this, three other homicide detectives were involved in pressuring the man to come up with the money, and the city says all four of the detectives were on duty at the time.

Here's how the sergeant put it to the contractor: “You are going to give me my money back, and I’m going to give you freedom.”

He was cooling his heels in the county lockup over the weekend, and his attorney claimed that this was all a civil matter, a contractual dispute over some supposedly shoddy work.

Except that civil matters don't usually involve flashing guns and badges and forced rides to Glen Burnie to withdraw money.

So I'm throwing the penalty flag on the attorney for mischaracterizing a crime as a civil suit, and I'm also pointing out that these matters should be handled on one's personal time, instead of on-duty time. The news is full of stories of unsolved homicides in the city. Perhaps they could spend time working on them?

I have plenty of support for police, but the problem is that these few shady cops throw unfair shade on the many good ones.

Sunday Rerun: Plug It In

When it comes to newfangled kitchen appliances, I have found it best to think twice.  

Take that Ronco, or Popeil, whichever, home rotisserie. Owners tout the ease with which you can run to the Food 'N' More, come back with a Perdue fryer, sauce it up and put it on the skewer, and then "Set It and Forget It!"  Just push a button and come back later to claim your cooked bird.  And then eat the chicken and spend the evening cleaning the rotisserie machine and all the inside parts, and putting it away under the cabinet where the cat stores her toys. Cleanup time, at least an hour, plus the time it takes to get the cat to move her stuff.

OR - run to the Food 'N' More, and come back with a nicely done chicken in a plastic tub that makes a great container in which to throw away the bones etc.  Cleanup time, one minute.

Take the bread maker (please.)  The big hits of the early 90s are still around in the lower cabinets by the steamer pot, and used about as often as a dictionary in the Oval Office.  You can run and get flour and yeast and I don't know what-all else and bake yourself a loaf of bread in an hour.

OR - mix three cups of self-rising flour, 1/4 cup sugar, and a can of beer into a greased loaf pan, bake it for an hour at 400°, and enjoy the beerbread yeastfeast.

OR - stop in the bakery section of the Shop4Eats and get a loaf of bread.

So I was thinking about the combination air fryer/instant pot/printer/scanner/automatic vacuum cleaner.  Some friends have them and are raving about how great they are for cooking ribs and fries and soups and pot roast.

Some say the fries are dry, the ribs come out 1/2 done, and the soups are no better than Campbell's red and white cans contain.

I can get ribs and fries and soups and roasts from my standard sources, and not have to get rid of the unused breadmaker, because that's the only way we could wedge an instant pot up in here.

The Saturday Picture Show, July 11, 2020

The storms along the Atlantic Coast this past Monday were responsible for this waterspout in the Atlantic Ocean off the beach at Stone Harbor, New Jersey. A waterspout is the same as a tornado, except that it forms over water, not land.

 A longtime salad bar favorite, it turns out that red cabbage is more than just colorful. It's extremely useful for fighting kidney disease, osteoarthritis, and rheumatic pain. And it's packed with vitamin C, which increases the body's immunity against breast cancer. So what if it doesn't look all that "red"? Pass the red cabbage!

 This is what you get when you tell a baby grey seal harp, "It's Monday! Time to get up for work!"

 In the first place, a lot of people are surprised to learn that the Robin Roberts on Good Morning America is not the first famous person with that name. GMA Robin is a fine broadcaster and this Robin was such a fine pitcher that his 286-245 win-loss record over 19 seasons put him in the Hall of Fame. Most of that pitching was done for some frankly poor Phillies teams in the 50s and early 60s, but when the Orioles picked him up for four seasons ('62-65), he not only helped the club get ready for their 1966 Championship season, he also was mentor to young Jim Palmer, who to this day credits Robin for tips that put HIM in the Hall of Fame.

This is a thing now and I think we all ought to try it. Ladies and Gentlemen, you have now been introduced to the world of Table Nachos. Make of this what you will.

Deep thoughts from the outstanding "Macanudo" comic strip, which does not appear in the Baltimore SUN because they need the room for "One Big Happy," "The Middletons," "Shoe," and "Zits." I must say that kids reading books in bathtubs, although a staple of comic strip depictions of life, is not a good idea.

These intricate soapstone carvings are made on the Six Nations Iroquois Reservation in Ontario, Canada. I like this because it depicts a smile!

Suddenly, we're all Sheldon, even if we can't find Lysol Spray.