And then, things change...

If you watch TV, you may have noticed that right after Christmas, we don't see so many commercials for big big bargains at WallyMart and Chia Pets. ToyotaThon is just about over, and instead of ads for last-minute gifts for your Aunt Hattie from Cincinnati, all of a sudden it's time to advertise for Health Clubs and gyms and slimming products of all sorts, from medical to calisthenic.

It's like the old days when the electric company would advertise room air conditioners in May and then run ads begging us not to run the A/C in August because they used too much electricity, the change is so swift.

So one minute they sell you egg nog, cute polar bears want us to drink soda, and there are cakes and cookies all over, and the next, everyone can't fit into their new pants without lying supine on the daybed and yanking them on like raising the convertible top on a Dodge, so it's time to sweat off the suet, and you can hardly find a place to park at the club.

According to the people at Zip Poll.com, here are the most common New Year's Resolutions, ranked by how many of us plan to follow them through...

1. Diet or eat healthier (71 percent)
2. Exercise more (65 percent)
3. Lose weight (54 percent)
4. Save more and spend less (32 percent)
5. Learn a new skill or hobby (26 percent)
6. Quit smoking (21 percent)
7. Read more (17 percent)
8. Find another job (16 percent)
9. Drink less alcohol (15 percent)
10. Spend more time with family and friends (13 percent)

We'll see how it works out...check back here on 12/31/20.

Happy New Year! Don't go overboard tonight, especially if you're on a cruise!

Handy Man

If you wait long enough, all jokes wind up coming true!

You might remember this one from the 90s:

A guy is having dinner with a friend in a restaurant when he needs to call a third person. He punches the palm of his left hand with his right index finger ten times, and then holds his left hand up by his ear and mouth and completes his phone call, after which he excuses himself to go to the mens' room.

He comes back to the table and his buddy says he's got toilet paper stuck to his shoe.

The guy looks down and says, "Oh! I'm getting a fax!"

It was hilarious in 1994, but we never thought we'd see the day when someone would implant their car key in their hand, but now we have.

Unlike your 1958 DeSoto, a lot of cars today don't have a traditional key to start the engine and make them go. Just a digital fob will allow you to push a button and be on your way to the mini-mall.  But why carry that cardkey around when you can be like Ben Workman, of Provo, Utah?

Ben has had 4 chips implanted in his hands. One of them unlocks the Tesla, one opens doors where he works, one logs his computer on and off, and one shares information with Apple Pay and Google Pay.

This man does not like to carry a wallet or keyring!

He told the TV news out in Provo, "I play tricks on people who don`t know I have it in my hand. I try and convince them a banana is the key and then I hold a banana up and [the chip] unlocks the door."

Another old joke:

  Sir, you have a banana in your ear.
  I'm sorry, I can't hear you. I have a banana in my ear.

He had someone in the family install most of the handchips, but he needed to go to a piercing studio to put the car key in there.

Always the joker, Ben says he had a magnet stuck in his left hand for magic tricks, like the always popular sawtooth-picture-hanger trick.

So here we are, America, as we approach 2020: half the people are afraid that the government in trying to implant microchips in the nape of their necks so they can be tracked, and people in Utah are sticking magnets in their hands to perform acts of legerdemain.

Phone call for you! Take it on your other hand.

Sunday Rerun: Gimme a head with hair

I once found a dollar bill that some rich person used as a bookmark in a library book I took out.

People leave all manner of things in books. I've found love letters, birthday cards, grocery lists and pressed dried flowers in among the pages of books, and that's from a lifetime of rooting through used books.

And one of my mini-collections is old almanacs...those little books that contain the deets on the sun and the moon and the stars, crazy weather predictions that someone wrote a year and a half ago, and recipes for refrigerator pickles.

But at Schaffer Library at Union College in Schenectady, New York, they have found a lock of hair from the revered head of George Washington in an old almanac!

India Spartz is the head of Special Collections and Archives at the library there, and she says, “This is a very significant treasure. It’s a tremendous testament to history and our connection to some of the most important historical figures.”

What happened was, Daniel Michelson, who's a historical records project archivist at the college, was going through the shelves, and there he came upon a little leather-bound book titled “Gaines Universal Register or American and British Kalendar for the year 1793.”

This was a popular almanac of its day and was the property of Philip J. Schuyler, the son of Gen. Philip Schuyler, one of the College’s founders.

Gen. Schuyler was a FOG (Friend of George) who served under Washington in the Revolutionary War and, later, as a US senator.

Stuffed inside the almanac you'll find some notes in Philip Schuyler's writing, including a recipe on preserving beef for summer's use.

This is the first confirmation that creamed chipped beef on toast was part of the early American diet, one supposes.

And then John Myers of the library staff found an old yellowed envelope in the almanac, back by the ads for gladiolus bulbs and trusses. On the envelope are the words “Washington's hair, L.S.S. & (scratched out) GBS from James A. Hamilton given him by his mother, Aug. 10, 1871.”

In the envelope: some gray hairs, tied up in a thread.

Because everything about our colonial history now is somehow connected to the Broadway musical "Hamilton," here is the connection. James Alexander Hamilton was the third son of Alexander Hamilton, who fought with Washington in the Revolutionary War, but then they stopped fighting long enough to see Hamilton appointed as the first secretary of the Treasury when Washington became president. Alex was married to Eliza Schuyler, so there's your family circle right there, although I can say in all honesty that no members of my family have come to me with requests for locks of my hair.

It says in Ron Chernow’s Pulitzer Prize-winning biography of Hamilton (the wellspring for the musical which has people lined up from New York to pay thousands for tickets for a seat to sleep in) that George and Martha Washington were really tight with Alexander and Eliza, so it's presumed that Martha Washington said to Eliza, "George died. Here's some of his hair to hand out to your family."

Historians believe that Washington had wavy hair, and now some more of it is waving hello.

The Saturday Picture Show, December 28, 2019

What can brown do for you? For one thing, they can give this driver a new pair of gloves.

You probably love what comes from these beans. They're cacao! A lot of Hershey bars will come from all this.

The Daisy B-B gun people owe a lot to the Jean Shepherd "Christmas Story" movie.

Sometimes, it's just a matter of being in the right place at the right angle at the right time with a camera.

He said he's a glasswing butterfly, but I can see right through that.

Here's a reminder that you make that New Year's pie, cornbread, deep dish pizza, or just about anything in a cast iron pan.

How many times have you heard people complaining that young people are so glued to their phones that this miss some spectacular sights and events. 'Tain't just the young'uns.

I heard one of the early Beach Boys records the other day, and it reminded me of just what a great band they are/were. Dennis and Carl Wilson are both dead now, Brian is just a shadow of what he was before troubles beset him, Mike Love performs with another group of musicians and still claims to be a Beach Boy, and the guy on the hood here - David Marks - was out of the band from August, 1963 until they brought him back in 2012. That's a long time. The whole thing just reminds me to enjoy what's in front of me right this second, don't look back and don't look forward. Be here now.

Car supplies

Owing to my many years of dealing with emergency situations, I have a hyperdeveloped sense of preparedness.

If you think I'm kidding, ask Peggy what it's like to watch me pack for a three-day vacation! We almost have to rent a U-Haul trailer to drag along with all my medical, technological, and haberdashery standbys, as if there are no Ace bandages, charger cords, and plaid boxer shorts available for sale where we might be.

In the hopes that you can learn to be half as maniacal as I where supplies are concerned, I'd like to share this list of items that no lesser a group of experts than the National Safety Council recommends having in your vehicle at all times. And they don't care if you're "just running down to the QuikSak for some Marlboro Lights and an extension cord."  Besides making sure you have at least a half of tank of gas in wintertime, and tasty fresh anti-freeze, make sure you have:

• Blankets, mittens, socks and hats
• Ice scraper and snow brush
• Flashlight, plus extra batteries (or a hand-crank flashlight)
• Jumper cables
• First-aid kit (band-aids, adhesive tape, antiseptic wipes, gauze pads, antiseptic cream, medical wrap). See a first-aid kit checklist.
• Bottled water
• Multi-tool (such as a Leatherman Tool or a Swiss Army Knife)
• Road flares or reflective warning triangles
• Windshield cleaner
• Extra Supplies for Frigid Weather

AND THEN, in winter...

• A bag of sand to help with traction (or bag of non-clumping cat litter)
• If your car or truck is light in the rear end (!) throw a 50-lb bag of sand in the bed or trunk and watch traction get better
• Collapsible or folding snow shovel
• Blanket
• Tire chains and tow strap
• Hand warmers
• Winter boots for longer trips
• Sleeping bag for longer trips

And just for good measure:

• Small fire extinguisher (5-lb., Class B and Class C type) in case of a car fire
• Tire gauge to check inflation pressure in all four tires and the spare tire
• Jack and lug wrench to change a tire
• A spare tire
• Rags and hand cleaner (such as baby wipes)
• Duct tape
• Foam tire sealant (Fix-A-Flat) for minor tire punctures
• Rain poncho
• Nonperishable high-energy foods such as unsalted and canned nuts, granola bars, raisins and dried fruit, peanut butter, hard candy.
• Battery– or hand-crank–powered radio
• Lighter and box of matches (in a waterproof container)
• Scissors and string or cord
• Spare change and cash
• Compass (use the phone app)
• Paper maps or ADC map book

I'm not saying that you will ever need all of these things. But, God forbid you find yourself broken down 1/2 way to Kankakee, wishing you had the one you need!

Safe driving and happy winter!

Happy B.D!

Today is December 26, the day after Christmas, and if you celebrated, I hope yours was merry and bright. It was not a white Christmas here in Baltimore, although I keep dreaming of one just like the ones I used to know.

In Britain, today is called "Boxing Day," and that has nothing to do with lacing on gloves and going a few rounds with Manny Pacquiao.  It dates back to the days when wealthy people gave their servants a day off, the day after Christmas, to be with their own families, since they had to spend Christmas bringing tea and crumpets to Lord and Lady Worcestershire. Ever generous, Lord and Lady would box up leftover chow and candies, cakes, fruits, and the occasional tart to send home with them.

And we've all known the occasional tart, am I wrong?

Not only Jeeves and Miss Haverhingham got the day off, but also, letter carriers, errand boys, and other servant/helpers could expect a Christmas box on the 26th.  A Christmas Box might be an actual box with a gift, or it might be that gift that's always the right size: a wad of cash.

It seems like the right thing to do, to drop a few bucks off with the letter carrier (ours seems to be a different man or woman every day) or trash-hauling crew.

Another custom that just seems to be taking root in this country and also in Western Scandinavia is the burgeoning tradition of mailing envelopes full of ten and twenty dollar bills to people who write blogs.

It's true! I wouldn't fib.

Merry Christmas 2019!

For those who believe...

Recipe Corner: Holiday Edition

If you look up "nog" in the dictionary, it's defined as a brick-sized piece of wood, or a piece of wood used to support the walls of a mine, or a character in some Star Trek derivative television show.

I guess we call the popular holiday drink "egg nog" because if you make it right, you will feel like you got hit in the noggin by a nog! Or like you are a character in some show of which I have ne'er seen a single moment.

In case we have yet to meet, I love the essential Christmas diet - cookies, fruitcake, and egg nog.

There are two ways to do the nog: one is to buy a bottle of it from the dairy shelf at the BuySumMore and take it home to serve, adding nutmeg to the top and hooch to the bottom.

OR you can be a real patriot and follow the recipe handed down to us from The Father Of Our Country, General George Washington.  If you make some from this prescription, please invite me for a taste-test! 

GEORGE WASHINGTON’S CHRISTMAS EGGNOG RECIPE

“One quart cream, one quart milk, one dozen tablespoons sugar, one pint brandy, ½ pint rye whiskey, ½ pint Jamaica rum, ¼ pint sherry

—mix liquor first,
then separate yolks and whites of 12 eggs,
add sugar to beaten yolks,
mix well.

Add milk and cream, slowly beating.
Beat whites of eggs until stiff and fold slowly into mixture.
Let set in cool place for several days.
Taste frequently.”


And let those last two words stay with us all forever!

Sunday Rerun: Bat Man

Did you ever watch a situation "comedy" on TV, or a movie with Adam Sandler (except for "Big Daddy") and wonder where the comedy went?

The answer is, and always has been, that the comedy we seek from television and movies is hiding in plain right...in real life!

The latest example comes from the Millcreek Township School District, outside Erie, Pennsylvania, where Superintendent William Hall has heard about all the school shootings that our lax laws have brought us, and responded by handing out miniature wooden baseball bats to the 500 (probably amused) teachers who shape young mind there.

The purpose of the baseball bats is use "as a tool against an active shooter just like any other item in the immediate room."

I know, I know.  Like me, you're shaking your head, picturing Ms Grundy in the Archie comics subduing Moose and Jughead with a tiny Louisville Slugger, and not coming up with a lucid image.

Mr Hall says parents and students need not fear that young Marmaduke or Penelope will be getting bopped on the beezer for any little infraction, since the wee bats will remain locked in the classroom and are only to be used/available in a hard lockdown situation.

Of course, if and when a "hard lockdown" situation occurs, it will be a simple matter for a teacher confronted with an armed sociopath to ask for enough time to get the key out of the little wooden box that says "Souvenir of Painted Mountain, Arkansas" that Uncle Ned brought back that time out of the top right drawer of the desk, and then go to the locked cabinet where the bat sits, waiting for the call to duty.

I'm sure the armed sociopath won't mind waiting.

Bottom line:  the bats are 16 inches long, and cost the district about $1,800.

Weapon of math instruction

I don't mean to harsh Mr Hall; I'm sure he came up with this plan with the best of intentions, but just like that school down South that wanted all the kids to bring in canned goods, so as to subdue an intruder with a barrage of thrown cans of Dole Pineapple Chunks in Heavy Syrup and Green Giant Mexicorn, the problems and needs of our schools and our society at large will better be served by meaningful legislators enacting meaningful laws and judges and juries punishing those who violate same.

And not to mock Mr Hall too heavily, but, sir, have you spent much time around teenagers, especially teenaged males?  I don't think you have spent enough, if you don't think they won't howl at the name you gave this ill-conceived program.

The bat defense is technically called "Threat assessment, Run, Obstruct and barricade, Join forces, Attack, and Never give up."

That's right. What young dude won't look forward to trying on a TROJAN?

The Saturday Picture Show, December 21, 2019

People in Hong Kong, Baluchistan, and Nome all come to visit 34th Street to see the lights in Hampden, in Baltimore City. If you want to seem like a local, be sure to say you're in HAM-den. HAMP-ton is something else all together.

 I love the engineering that went into a gingerbread house with interior lighting!

 People are doing this, and it's cool...snack trays for the delivery people. Don't forget the mail carrier and the trash hauler and the police, fire, and 911 people.

 These stockings are hung by the chimney with care, but if Santa soon will be there, he'd better be a Skinny Claus.

 Geo. B. Price drew fantastic cartoons for The New Yorker for many years, and this yuletide edition from 1965 remains a classic.

 Speaking of holiday traditions, the annual Santa Ride on the Providence Volunteer Fire Company apparatus takes place every Christmas Eve.  I'll see you there!

 This time of year is a photographer's dream.

 May all our Christmases be snowy.

Next thing you know, they'll want to drive and vote

In other news, it's 2019, almost 2020.

So the very fact that the The Hallmark Channel changed its mind and will allow ads for a wedding-planning website - one that showed two women getting married and - clutch your pearls- kissing at the altar

should not be earthshaking.

Can I get an "Oh, well for Land's sake!"?

The ad was for Zola, a wedding planning website. Their ad reflected the way things are in America. Women are marrying women, and - are you firmly seated? - Men are marrying men!

Straight men and women are still getting married, sure, but the dancing and food are usually not nearly as fabulous.

A conservative advocacy group (which means a group of people who are worried that someone, somewhere, is happy) called One Million Moms ( I doubt it), part of the American Family Association (my God, you should see their website!), complained directly to Bill Abbott, CEO of Hallmark parent Crown Media Family Networks.

Abbott (without Costello) pulled the ads and then pulled himself back over last weekend when the ship hit the fans. A #BoycottHallmarkChannel hashtag started trending on Twitter, and notables such as Ellen DeGeneres and William Shatner called out the greeting card giant over their unfairness.

So here comes the backtrack:

“The Crown Media team has been agonizing over this decision as we’ve seen the hurt it has unintentionally caused," said a statement issued by Hallmark Cards CEO Mike Perry. “Said simply, they believe this was the wrong decision. ... We are truly sorry for the hurt and disappointment this has caused. Hallmark Channel will be reaching out to Zola to reestablish our partnership and reinstate the commercials… We will continue to look for ways to be more inclusive & celebrate our differences"

For those nonfluent in business talk, "We will be reaching out to reestablish our partnership" means "Their checks were good and we want more of them."

Over at Zola, Mike Chi, chief marketing officer, said that the company was relieved by Hallmark Channel's reversal.

"We are humbled by everyone who showed support – not only for Zola, but for all the LGBTQ couples and families who express their love on their wedding day, and every day," he added, adding that he will be glad to run ads to be seen by young romantics planning weddings.

Advocacy group GLAAD also cheered the reversal and thanked everyone who spoke out: "LGBTQ people deserve to see ourselves represented on all TV networks."

Earlier, GLAAD (formerly the Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation) said that for Hallmark to cancel Zola's ads  was "discriminatory and especially hypocritical coming from a network that claims to present family programming and also recently stated they are 'open' to LGBTQ holiday movies."

I've known gay people, straight people, bi people, asexual people, all sorts of folks over the years, and it really hasn't changed me one whit. It's trite and used a lot, but here's the saying: If you don't want a same-sex marriage, by all means, don't have one.  But don't stand in the way of other people and the way they want to live.

Did you ever stop and think that the people you're picking on aren't all that wild about YOU?

Making a name

The Clarence H. "Du" Burns arena is in the Canton section of Baltimore. Kids play indoor soccer there; the Baltimore Blast soccer team had their games there before moving to Towson University, the Baltimore Bombers were an indoor lacrosse team that played there, and the Charm City Roller Girls did their roller derby thing there in the past.

But many people don't remember Mr Burns, or Mayor Burns, properly. His was an interesting Baltimore story, if you have a minute to read it.

In the first place, his name was Clarence Burns. The "Du" was not a nobiliary particle, as in the Du Pont family, no.  Mr Burns got the nickname "Du" because he would do things for people, and when asked to do something, he would for sure do it.

That's a key to success, youngsters.

He was from Caroline Street in the inner city, and hustled his way past jobs selling newspapers and vegetables, making connections along the way that helped him get a City job - as the locker room attendant at Dunbar High School.

All along, he remained active in civic events and politics, become a trusted ally of Mayor Thomas D'Alesandro, Jr, and a trusted ward heeler who would surely turn out the votes in his precinct.

Dunbar High was built on the land where Burns's childhood home stood, and for 22 years, as he laundered towels and kept the locker room straight, he built friendships and connections that led to the formation of his Eastside Democratic Organization.

He ran for City Council in 1971, and was elected, serving until he ran for Council President in 1986, and won again. That put him in line to become mayor when Wm. Donald Schaefer swapped his desk in the mayor's office for that of governor of Maryland.

That elevated Burns to being the first black mayor of Baltimore, an honor he proudly wore, and even though he lost his bid for election in his own right to Kurt Schmoke, his legacy is such that the soccer arena is named for him, and young people seeking a career in public service would do well to remember his credo of public service above all.

"Du was a man who got his degree on the street. He wasn't a scholar. He wasn't an Oxford man. But he had such great common sense," Mr. Schaefer said upon Burns's passing in 2003. "He's the kind of guy who is rare in politics now.

He literally made a name for himself by doing good things.

Yeah Yeah Yeah

Above, the picture from the Beatles' "Abbey Road" album, showing the Fab Four in the picture that led to so much speculation.  You see, the license tag on the Volkswagen parked all crazy behind the band reads LMW 28IF, which played into the rampant speculation (sparked by a bored all-night disc jockey*) that Paul McCartney was dead, slain in a bloody car crash, and he WOULD have been 28 by now IF he had lived.

Another part of the rumor was that The Beatles were dressed for a funeral. John Lennon is dressed in white, the color for mourning clothes in Eastern religions. Ringo Starr is in black, the Western funeral mufti.  George Harrison is in denim, the traditional cloth for mourners among people whose idea of a proper vacation was a week in Twitty City. And McCartney is barefoot, because in some cultures, they bury people without shoes. I am taking my fireproof Rockports with me.

Well, Paul's still around, at 77, and so is that white VW. I don't know if it's the exact car in the other picture up there, but Volkswagen took a picture of a white Beetle (!) at the same place on Abbey Road to plug their new assistive parking technology in an advertisement.

The real car belonged to someone who lived in the neighborhood and did not park so well, but they sold it in an auction in 1986, and now that car can be seen at the Autostadt Museum in Wolfsburg, Germany.


* That DJ was Russ Gibb, who took a call from someone in October, 1969. That person told him to spin "Revolution 9" on the Beatles’ White Album backwards.  The words “number nine, number nine” were said to come out sounding like “Turn me on, dead man.” Play the end of “Strawberry Fields Forever" backward and you hear John say, “I buried Paul.”

And the classic example of that puckish Beatles humor came when someone from their office called to tell Paul he was reported as dead, and the cheeky bassist replied, "Oh, I don’t agree with that.”

All this happened after The Beatles stopped covering Larry Williams ("Bad Boy", "Slow Down", and "Dizzy, Miss Lizzy") and Carl Perkins ("Honey Don't", "Everybody's Trying to Be My Baby" and "Matchbox") songs and began Taking Themselves Very Seriously ("I am he as you are he as you are me/ And we are all together" are actual lyrics in "I am The Walrus") which is always the part where I reach for the remote.

Did you know that if you take any Kanye West CD and hit yourself in the head with it, you will hear voices singing, "Some people will buy anything"?

Decisions

For two reasons, we have heard the name "Michael Vick" here in Baltimore and around the country quite a bit these days.  Vick was an NFL quarterback, among the first to be as good as a runner as a passer, and it was his record of 1,039 rushing yards as an Atlanta Falcon in 2006 that Baltimore Ravens qb Lamar Jackson broke the other night - and Jackson has two more games in which to pad his stats for the season. 

And then of course, there's the animal cruelty issue. Vick was arrested in 2007, and spent 21 months in federal prison, for his involvement in a dog-fighting ring. He returned to football afterwards, and became the NFL Comeback Player of the Year before winding up his playing days in 2015.

Jackson (left) and Vick

The current imbroglio is over the league's decision to have Vick serve as a ceremonial captain for the Pro Bowl game, a largely unwatched all-star exhibition game to be held at the fabulous Camping World Stadium in Orlando, featuring the best pro players, except for those who are otherwise occupied getting ready for the Super Bowl, which comes up the next weekend.

Animal rights defenders have sent petitions with upwards of a million signatures to NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, who is the man who initially banned Vick upon his arrest and now offers him this chance to serve in a meaningless capacity for reasons not quite clear.

 "Over the last, what is it, nine years or so, we have supported Michael in his, what I think his recognition of the mistake he made," Goodell said in a press conference last week. "He's paid a heavy price for that. He's been accountable for it. He's worked aggressively with the Humane Society and other institutions to deal with animal rights and to make sure people don't make the same mistake he made, and I admire that."

"To honor a man who had zero regard for animals is unacceptable and I would like your help to make sure he is NOT honored at the 2020 NFL Pro Bowl," the petition started by Change.Org says.

At his press conference, Goodell reported that Vick has worked hard for the rights of animals since being released from prison, and that he has worked with legislatures in favor of a bill that would allow police to break into cars in which dogs and cats are locked. 

"I know there are people out there who will never forgive him," the commissioner said. "He knows that. But I think this is a young man who's really taken his life in a positive direction, and we support that, so I don't anticipate any change, no," Goodell said.

On the other hand, a woman named Joanna Lind created a petition to bar Vick from the game, saying: “When is the NFL going to take any responsibility for the behavior of it’s (sic) current and former players?  To honor a man who had zero regard for animals is unacceptable and I would like your help to make sure he is NOT honored at the 2020 NFL Pro Bowl.”

Vick was seen working to right his wrongs after his release. He was mentored by coach Tony Dungy, one of the most respected men in the game, and was involved with the Humane Society of the United States, on their End Dog Fighting campaign.

The Humane Society said at the time that they believed Vick “paid his price for his crime,” and wanted to work with him to end dog fighting.

“We don’t know what is in his heart and his mind, but we wanted to give him the chance to do something good and show he’s heading in the right direction, working against animal cruelty and dog fighting, specifically,” said a HSUS spokesperson. “This was a serious crime he was convicted of, so we’re taking this one day at a time. If there’s any work he can do to stop dog fighting, we’re all for it.”

So many ways to look at this, so many things to keep in mind. No sane person supports animal cruelty, and Vick's defense at the time - that the dog-fighting culture was a large part of his young life in Newport News, VA - does not hold much water. A lot of people are raised in areas with crimes.

And the thought of anyone harming my cats would make me want to do that person quite a deal of harm.

But we are told that everyone deserves a second chance, and that a man who has been to jail and done his time should come back to society unfettered.

But no one is about to hire a former child molester to work with children.

For every angle on this, there is another. I'm going to say that the Pro Bowl, in the pantheon of sporting activities, is hardly more important than the National Marbles Tournament, or the TiddlyWinks Finals.

So why drag the game down even more by dragging this man and his baggage into it?

The bird is the word

I subscribe to a daily email known as "a.word.a.day" from Wordsmith.org.  To the end of my days, I will remain devoted to a lifelong habit of jamming more information into my cranium, for purposes yet to be determined.

The other day there came a new term, one I had never heard before. Are you familiar with the term "corbie-messenger"?

Here's what the email says about "corbie-messenger":

MEANING:
noun: A messenger who does not arrive or return in time.

ETYMOLOGY:
noun: From allusion to the crow that Noah had sent out from his ark. From corbin (raven), from Old French corbin, from Latin corvus (raven, crow). Earliest documented use: 1525.

NOTES:

In the Bible, after months of floating around, Noah has his ark parked on Mt. Ararat. He picks a raven from his menagerie to go scout the scene. The bird never returns. Then Noah picks a dove and the dove does dutifully return.

Sorry, neither of us get credit for thinking that a Corbie-messenger is the person who delivers your Joe Corbi pizza order. (For those not in the Central Maryland area, Joe Corbi sells a line of pizza and cookie dough kits that are sold for fundraising purposes by schools, scout troops, and what-have-you. For the record, their food is not bad at all, but please don't send little Abercrombie or Heloise to my door peddling it, because our freezer is full from last year.)

So, back to the Bible. Noah sends a raven to carry the message for him and the raven fails to carry out his mission. Those of you who are football fans are aware that the Baltimore Ravens of the NFL are currently flying quite high, having a great season, led by second-year quarterback and Most Valuable Player candidate Lamar Jackson.

Jackson came out of college football with the Heisman trophy, awarded to the best college player every year, and yet there were people who doubted that he was qualified to be a professional quarterback. "He's a running back at best," said the People Who Know These Things.

Jackson has been carrying the message that he is, in fact, "good enough" for the last nine weeks. And I think the word is getting across nicely.

I'm going to try to find a way to work the term "corbie-messenger" into some conversation all day!

Sunday Rerun: Haboob booboo

Gomez

Pedro Gomez of ESPN was just doing his job the other night, reporting that the lights went out at the Arizona Diamondbacks' stadium because of a haboob going through downtown Phoenix, knocking out power lines and causing havoc.

A haboob is defined as "a violent and oppressive wind blowing in summer, especially in Sudan, bringing sand from the desert." The part about the desert explains why we don't use the word "haboob" so often in Maryland, being far from desert lands as we are.

But anyway, back in Phoenix, where the desert is close at hand, a haboob came along and knocked out the power and Pedro was the victim of an all-time autocorrect mixup:

Pedro Gomez

✔@pedrogomezESPN

@Rangers and @Dbacks delayed in downtown Phoenix because a baboon went through town and overloaded the grid, knocking some lights out.

12:09 AM - Jul 31, 2018

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Those doggone baboons! 

Incidentally, you may recall an incident (that's why I said 'incidentally') a few years ago in which a haboob ran through Lubbock, Texas (home town of Buddy Holly) and a few Tex Types felt their ten-gallon hats getting way too tight when the local meteorologist used that Arabic-derived word to tell them about it.  One of them wrote: "In Texas, nimrod, this is called a sandstorm. We’ve had them for years! If you would like to move to the Middle East you can call this a haboob. While you reside here, call it a sandstorm. We Texans will appreciate you."

Such hostility! And Nimrod was a man described in the Bible as "the first on earth to be a mighty man" and "a mighty hunter before the Lord" so using his name in derision is sort of dumb, like confusing a sandstorm, which covers a large area, with a haboob, which by definition covers a narrow zone.

We often borrow words from other nations to describe weather phenomena, such as a tsunami, the Japanese term for a seismic sea wave, or drumpf, the German term for a large pile of unpleasantness that drops in unexpectedly.

The Saturday Picture Show, December 14, 2019

 May we be the first to wish you a Felix Navidad?

At the height of moviegoing in America, there were probably several hundred theatres in the nation called "The Strand," which sounded like a place to get left behind. We had one down in Dundalk that looked a lot like this one...and that's where the famous "popcorn cup" scene in "Diner" was filmed.

I like this house! And it must have been easy to decorate the upper branches and put the star on top. And maybe the tree decorations could just go in that storage area beneath the steps.

What do you call these snow clods that form in the wheelwell as you drive along a snowy, icy road? And people in Florida will never know how much fun it is to knock them off with your boot!

Yippee ki yay, it's Christmas!

In the 1950s, marital and family life in America was always depicted as a series of merry mixups, with Doofus Dad screwing everything all to heck.

Bobby Darin died on 12/20/73 at 37. Born Robert Walden Cassotto, he knew as a child that his life would be short because of a heart weakened by a childhood bout with rheumatic fever, so he rode his not-inconsiderable ego to fame as a singer, nightclub performer, and actor. He had that show-bizzy way about him, which led to Eddie Haskell on "Leave It To Beaver" asking Wally, when he dressed up a little, "Who do you think you are, Bobby Darin?"

At the end of the year, it's time for reflection.

Days of our lives

We're approaching the winter solstice on December 21, and that's the best day for me and the worst for many, many others.

It's a tough time for a lot of people. “There’s an uptick in depression this time of year,” said Sarah Clayton, a licensed professional counselor in Virginia. “A lot of times people are grieving the loss of loved ones during the holidays and there’s a lot of pressure to feel happy, which can make you feel worse about not meeting that social standard.”

If I might just butt in here for a second, my advice is to ignore any advice to feel a certain way or do a certain thing such as smiling when you don't feel like. Nothing is more inauthentic than fake happiness or a put-on grin.

Back to Ms Clayton: she says Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) happens sometimes to people who are already depressed, or it can be that they only get depressed in wintertime.

The Mayo Clinic says SAD is a depressive state that comes to different people at different times. For most, it comes along during fall and winter, when days are shorter and there is less sunshine.

Less sunshine equals less Vitamin D, it messes up some people's sleep schedules, and it might cause our bodies to overproduce melatonin. That's a hormone produced by the pineal gland; like the Edgar Winter Group, it only comes out at night, and its helps you get sleepy.

Ms Clayton says that SAD mirrors other types of depression: people have low energy, lose interest in their daily activities, and just have that sluggish feeling.
I hasten to point out that I am sluggish all summer long because I shun the sun and the heat and the humidity and mosquitoes and every other sad thing I associate with heat.

So it turns out that in June, July and August, I have GLAD: Get Lazy All Day.

In December and January and February, I'm a dynamo, getting things done.

I love the lights of Christmas and all the holidays; Ms Clayton recommends having lots of them around along with special sun lamps to help those with SAD.

Either way, the sun doesn't shine on the same dog's (tail) every day, as they say. Winter is my turn to love the weather and the climate, and please don't remind me how soon summer will be here!

Enjoy it all.

Statesboro Blues

It's one thing to be a total jackass, and then another even worse thing to weasel out of it.

America's finger of shame is pointing at this disgusting fool Tommy Callaway with good reason. He's the runner from Statesboro GA who thought the best way to behave during something called the Enmarket Savannah Bridge Run in Savannah on Saturday was to smack the butt of a female TV reporter who was trying to do her job live on the air.

Yes.  And are you surprised to know that Callaway self-describes as a church youth minister and Boy Scout leader?  I'm not.

Callaway has been on this earth for 43 years and presumably has sat through many a church service, during which he should have heard something about not smacking other people. 

Now that he has gotten himself a sharp lawyer, he has come forward to apologize for his "awful act." 

You know the sure signs of someone having lawyered up include saying things like "I acted out of character," which means the same thing as "This is not who I am."

Who he is, is the man who grabbed the behind of a young woman just out of college a year ago. Her name is Alex Bozarjian and she is a reporter for WSAV-TV.  No matter what else Callaway claims to be, in essence he's a man  - married and a father of two- who now gets to explain to his wife and children why Daddy is a national embarrassment for saying things like this:


“I was getting ready to bring my hands up and wave to the camera, to the audience, and there was a misjudgment in character and decision-making. I touched her back. I did not know exactly where I touched her."


Bozarjian put the video of the incident, and her comments about it, on Twitter:

“To the man who smacked my butt on live TV this morning: You violated, objectified, and embarrassed me. No woman should EVER have to put up with this at work or anywhere!! Do better.”


Callaway, nudged by his attorney, says, " I totally agree 100 percent with her statement. The two most important words were her last two words, ‘Do better,’ and that’s my intention.”

“If I did see her facial reaction, I would’ve been embarrassed, felt ashamed, and I would’ve stopped, turned around, and apologized to her,” he said, before throwing in the claim that he is “disappointed” in himself.

“I feel horrible,” he averred.

Notice that he is incapable of realizing that he shouldn't grab other people as he runs by them unless he sees the pain and humiliation he causes.

Bozarjian has filed a sexual battery report with police. Callaway’s lawyer told CBS News that "Tommy is a loving husband and father," and that he “did not act with any criminal intentions.”

I hate to mention this, but we have become a pretty awful society, one in which people feel entitled to do as they wish. This pervert should spend a week or two in jail to serve as an example to others.

And people who send their children to him under the auspices of the Boy Scouts or the church should think twice about what kind of smug, impenitent, self-absorbed person he is. This smirk tells it all.

Keep running, and stay away from us.

How nice - they had him over for dinner!

It's ok to poach an egg, but not a lion.

At least, that's the lesson that one poacher at a private game park in South Africa should have known, but he is no longer with us to share it.

Poachers are people who illegally poison or trap or kill animals in the wild to sell the animal (or parts of it) on the black market.

In the province of Limpopo (Northeastern South Africa), an apparent poacher made his last mistake by trying to get over on a pride of lions, only to see the tables turned rather violently.  Fatally, you might say. This was near Kruger National Park at the Hoedspruit private game park. The lions killed the man; they feasted on him, in fact.

Another fact is that the predominant poaching problem in that area is "hunters" going after rhinoceroses. And the park personnel at first thought the victim was a missing park employee, but that guy turned up ok, so, no, according to Moatshe Ngoepe, a local police spokesman.

“The process of identifying the deceased has already commenced, and it might be made possible by the fact that his head is amongst the remains that were found at the scene,” Ngoepe said.

That's right. The lions left that morsel behind. Don't tell me they don't know what they're doing.

You want to go to Africa and kill wildlife, that's on you, but don't look for sympathy when the hunter becomes the game.

They're always going to be a head of you, anyway.

Help! (I need somebody!)

Down where they have Waffle House restaurants, those joints are swinging 24-7, because who can control their desire for a pecan waffle at o-dark-thirty?

Certainly not Ethan Crispo. Not long ago, he found himself still hungry after being at his buddy's birthday party, and so it was off to his local Waffle House in  Birmingham, Ala. for a good late-night tuck-in.

In he walked, 12:30 in the yawning, and thirty fellow Wafflers were around. But hardly any help was around, so Ethan did the math and reasoned, “I sat down at my table and I was like, ‘I’m not getting my waffle.’”

Ethan is 24 and figured that the one employee on duty was trying to cook food, serve food, and clean up all by his lonesome.

“The look on his face was maybe fear, maybe shock, maybe bewilderment,” Crispo said of “Ben,” the fry cook flying solo. “There was literally no one else working but him,” Ethan told The Washington Post.

Then came something you don't see every day. "Ben" started talking a customer sitting at the counter, and then handed the man an apron, and before you knew it, the guy was back behind the counter washing dishes.

“I initially assumed it was a staff member returning to their shift,” Crispo told the Post, but, "It wasn’t. It was a kind stranger. A man who answered the call. Bussed tables, did dishes, stacked plates.”

AND THEN a female customer wearing a sequined dress and high heels figured out how to work the coffee maker and a guy in a red shirt pitched in, and before you know it, Waffle House Birmingham was up to just about full strength on almost all volunteer labor.




Pat Warner, Waffle House PR guy, said that there had been a miscommunication in scheduling workers that night.

(Yes, like the 4-12 shift took off at midnight when the 12-8 people failed to appear. The miscommunication was in thinking they would stay.)


“We really appreciate their efforts … though we do prefer our associates to be behind the counter,” Warner told AL.com. “The key to our concept is, we’re there to serve you, not the other way around.”

Upon hearing the news, the CEOs and HMFICs of General Motors, Amazon, and Exxon all announced that they will now expect people to pitch in and build their own Chevy Eclipse, fetch their packages from the warehouse, and refine their own gasoline.