The Milner's Tale

There is a certain corner of hell reserved for people such as George Milner.

Milner is an attorney, currently defending a man named Josh Brent down in Dallas, Texas, which is still a state in the US, in spite of their governor's threat to secede.

Brent used to play defensive tackle for the Dallas Cowboys. Driving his Mercedes one night, he smashed the car up and his teammate and friend, Jerry Brown, was killed.

There seems little doubt that Brent should not have been driving that December 2012 night, given that a) his on-scene blood test, according to police, showed Brent's blood alcohol content to be more than twice the legal limit, b) there's a dash cam video that shows Brent failing a field sobriety test at the scene and c) the prosecutor has receipts to prove that on the night of the crash, Brent purchased cocktails with several shots of liquor in them and three bottles of Champagne at a night club.

So.  He boozes it up at a bar, gets into his car, gets into a fiery fatal crash and fails sobriety tests.

Guilty, you say?

Not so fast, says Attorney Milner, who oozed up from beneath some rock to claim in court the other day that Brent was simply ''guilty of being stupid behind the wheel of a car,'' not driving drunk.  You see, ''Josh Brent is as big as a house,'' Milner said. ''He's got a heart - better yet a mind - of a person much younger than he really is.''

Milner tipped the scales at a robust 320 lbs. when he played for the Cowboys, so Milner's defense of him is based on the novel theory that big big BIG guys can drink more than the average person without becoming intoxicated.

''This is not a difficult case, ladies and gentlemen,'' prosecutor Heath Harris said. ''There will be no disputing the fact that he was drinking that night.''

Testifying for the state, Officer Kevin Palms said that Brent's eyes were watery, to go along with an odor of alcohol and trouble speaking coherently. That police video shows Brent stumbling along in his field sobriety test as he tries to walk in a straight line.  He also took more steps than the officer asked.

But his attorney said that "nobody could have passed a field sobriety test after such a fiery wreck."

"Especially if they were drunk on their ass, as my client was," he did not say.

''Nobody's going to be able to do the tricks on the side of the road'' after a crash like that, he did say.

Tricks.  Such as walking and talking.  Real circus stunts there.

The crash scene.  

Attorney Milner

You're probably wondering why it was so hard for him to pass the roadside test if he was so sober. Well, sir, Milner stated that this athlete's size made it hard for him to balance (although there is probably game footage available showing Brent remaining upright as men his size and larger push him away from their quarterback), the powder from his car's air bags made his eyes watery, and the accident "had a lingering impact on him."

If convicted of intoxication manslaughter or manslaughter, Brent could be sentenced to up to 20 years in prison.

His pettifogger attorney argues for probation.

And you, ladies and gentlemen of the jury?