Saturday rerun: This way and that

I'm one step away from being that guy who walks through the mall hollering about how the aliens are listening in to our cell phone calls, and we need to cover up our melons with Reynolds Wrap to shield ourselves from the alpha-beta rays that the Martians are beaming down upon us like confetti.

What I currently am is the guy who talks back to the television like Kevin Bacon watching the GE College Bowl - just not quite so smart as he.  I also participate while watching The Price Is Right, Good Morning America, and Pee Wee's Playhouse.

But I used to get into hellacious arguments with the lady who does the voice on our GPS in the car.  She had a snide way of talking.  First, she sounded like, "Oh, so you don't know how to get there?" and then amplified that point by instructing me how to leave my own garage and driveway and get to the main street.

I got that covered, Honeybunch.

But oh!  just screw up once and she'd be all over me like Oprah on a baked ham.  If I missed a turn and wound up on another street, she'd barge right in and get this tone like "So you think you know better than the GPS Lady?  And now you're lost, Mr Smarty Pants.  Pay attention and I will guide you once again to your stupid destination, where the people really don't want to see you anyway!"

And then I'd go, "Well, at least I'm going places and you're sitting there in my phone!"

And then people in the other cars would start looking at me askance, as would the people in my car.

But last week we were away and I needed help getting to some Amish smorgasbord, so I GPS'ed and found a new lady on the other end.  This new voice is totally an improvement, she pronounces street names more correctly, and so far she has not run me an attitude at all, so we're happy together.

The honeymoon period is always the sweetest.