My gift to you

 As this ridiculous old year wheezes and sputters to a finale, here's my traditional holiday gift to you, beloved readers: a calendar for the new year, which comes with my wish that you will wake up at some point every day, happy and healthy, ready to wade into the fray, and that you'll mark off every date at night looking forward to the next. 

Legacy

 As we honor the life and legacy of James Earl "Jimmy" Carter, our 39th president, it's interesting to note...

Because his mother, the redoubtable Lillian Gordy Carter, was a nurse working in a sanitarium in Plains, GA in 1924, Jimmy became the first president born in a hospital. 

And when he was graduated from Plains High School in 1941, he did so as a junior, because Plains High had no twelfth grade.

After attending two colleges in Georgia for a brief time, he received the appointment to the US Naval Academy that he had long desired. His naval career coincided with the dawn of the atomic age, and he was among the first to deal with nuclear submarines and power plants.

And that must have been fascinating to a man who grew up in rural America without electricity or running water!

It's true, he was not the most successful president, but he stands above them all in terms of service to humanity. I'm glad he's back to being alongside his wonderful wife Rosalynn again.

Complaint Dept.

 I'm not extremely fond of the NextDoor app; I see it as the whine aisle of the internet. Now, if you want to have your neighbors keep an eye out for your missing feline or Ferrari, it's great, and if you lost that recipe for Chex Mix* that Jack's first wife told you about, it's the place to go.

But...even though Joe Citizen speaking his mind while standing on a soap box is a fundamental part of our society, it's not good for society when Joe spreads misinformation, or just pure dumb stuff, as with the person I saw howling because her daughter got a $45 parking ticket just because she parked in the fire lane at a townhouse complex while attending an overnight sleepover.

She was mad as a hornet, probably because there were no fires that night. Maybe Irate Mom should have thought about what would have happened had someone knocked over a Yankee Candle during the evening, causing a fire.

It happens.  We wish it didn't, but it does, and when it does, we want firefighters and their apparatus to have unfettered access to the house.

And if they can't get there, well, just go on NextDoor and talk about it. 

* chex mix recipe 

Ingredients

• 3 cups Corn Chex™ cereal
• 3 cups Rice Chex™ cereal
• 3 cups Wheat Chex™ cereal
• 1 cup mixed nuts
• 1 cup bite-size pretzels
• 1 cup garlic-flavor bite-size bagel chips or regular-size bagel chips, broken into 1-inch pieces
• 6 tablespoons butter or margarine
• 2 tablespoons Worcestershire sauce
• 1 1/2 teaspoons seasoned salt
• 3/4 teaspoon garlic powder
• 1/2 teaspoon onion powder

Preparation

1. In large microwavable bowl, mix cereals, nuts, pretzels and bagel chips; set aside. In small microwavable bowl, microwave butter uncovered on High about 40 seconds or until melted. Stir in seasonings. Pour over cereal mixture; stir until evenly coated.
2. Microwave uncovered on High 5 to 6 minutes, thoroughly stirring every 2 minutes. Spread on paper towels to cool. Store in airtight container.

Sunday Rerun: Of all the airports in all the world...

 EDITOR'S NOTE: I wrote this in 2015. Airport gun confiscations are way up since then...

How many times has this happened to you?

You're at the Beijing Airport and you get stopped by security for trying to bring a bottle of imported cognac onto the plane in your carry-on.  Airport security, ever mindful of the threat that French brandy carries with it, tell you you can't bring it on the plane.

Do you...

a) let them throw it out?

b) walk off into the mist with Captain Renault, sibilantly whispering, " Louie, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship"?

c) guzzle it all right then and there?

That's what happened to a traveler identified only as Miss Zhao recently, as she attempted to board her transfer flight.  She slammed it all back, which did remove the cognac from the
bottle, but created the new problem of what the cognac did to her.

She "went right wild," as the old expression goes.  She was movin' to the groovin', yelling all out of her head and going flippo. Eventually, she passed out, landing on the floor in the manner of billions of other inebriates have done over the centuries.

And the Chinese authorities decided that the floor was the best place for her, as she would have been a security risk to herself and others had she boarded the plane.

I'd rather have a can of beer,
s'il vous plaît 

They took her to an infirmary in the airport where a doctor checked her out, and later that evening, her family came to get her and bring her home. 

I hope it was really good cognac!

By the way, here at the BWI Airport outside Baltimore, so far this year, security has collected 7 handguns that 7 people thought would be a good idea to take on the plane with them.  

But not one bottle of cognac, so at least we have that going for us.

The Saturday Picture Show, December 28, 2024

 

I'm telling you, you take any group of five or more boys, and have them pose with some world-class VIPs, and one of them at least will make that monster face. 

People who live in the war-torn sections of the world are used to living with the awful equipment of war, as here in Syria, where this tank is now in use as a makeshift produce stand at an outdoor market.

We do what we know, until we know better. Little Jumbo Junior here hasn't learned to use his trunk yet, but he will!

She thought that 71" TV was all he ever wanted, but...

The coolest people in Baltimore get invited to John Waters's Christmas Party. I've never made the list, although the King of Filth and I once spent a good ten minutes right next to each other,  pawing through the cheapie remaindered books at Borders.

During the first two years that the word "charcuterie" was in vogue here, I'll admit, I thought it was some sort of hummus and bean concoction,  so I was uninterested. But I learned that cheese and salami were involved so I changed my level of interest to "high."

A new supervisor found this in the break room. He guesses it's a joke.

Always look for a dual-purpose baby gift, as in this combination wok and infant saucer sled.

There's a very good reason why you were not taught the proper name for this type of frost in school.. It's called hoarfrost.

Bright idea...take an entire batch of cookie dough and bake one giant cookie. The consumer will then break off as much or as little as desired. These innovations will keep the US at the forefront of the cookie baking and eating world. 

I'm confused. This picture was labeled "Verona Beach," but there's only one gentleman. 

Change for the better

 It was sad to read the former NFL quarterback Donovan McNabb was suspended from his sports-talk job on TV because of a DWI arrest. I guess he's been on one of those shows where people make predictions about the outcomes of games yet unplayed, based on games played years ago.

These shows usually devolve into shouting matches punctuated by chortles and guffaws. Discussing what might happen during a contest involving humans is an imprecise matter, and a poor way to spend time.

A much more worthwhile way to while away a few hours is to read. In fact, just this morning, I read that Donovan McNabb once said, "Whatever happened in the past, hopefully it's over."

I hope that means that McNabb's habit of driving his car into a car driven by the wife of the police chief in his town is over. His future will be great when he stops repeating his past.

At last!

Finally! Whoever it was who won a $1.13 billion Mega Millions jackpot this past March has stepped up and said, "Pay me!!"

We may never know the winner's name, though. The lottery people up in New Jersey, home of the winner, say he or she “values privacy and has chosen to remain anonymous,” and that's the law there. 

It's my opinion that just living in New Jersey means one is lucky already! 

Mr or Ms Lucky opted to take a $537.5 million before-tax cash payout. That's the fifth-largest jackpot in Mega Millions history and the biggest ever won in New Jersey.

And if you think that buying a whole fat wad of tickets and/or choosing a specific set of numbers (your sister's birthday, your high school gym locker combination, Chuck Estrada's 1960 won-loss record*) is the key to winning a lotta lottery loot, I have to tell you, this winner bought just *one* Mega Millions ticket on the day of the March 26 drawing.

March 26, of course, was the day a cargo ship lost power and knocked down Baltimore's Key Bridge. More on that soon, but it just goes to show you, some gotta win, some gotta lose.

*18-11.

Have a merry day!

 

Holiday rerun: Santa Jimi

  

In December, 1969, Jimi Hendrix continued to defy other guitarists, who to this day are unable to duplicate what he could do on an electric guitar, and spelling purists, who insisted his name was "Jimmy.".  He accomplished the latter by naming his new band, which was to replace The Jimi Hendrix Experience, the Band of Gypsys.  The more conventional spelling would be Gypsies, of course, but then, Jimi never did anything the conventional way.

He had hired veteran drummer Buddy Miles to slam the skins, and Billy Cox (not to be confused with the old Dodger third baseman) to play bass. Cox and Jimi had become friends while serving in the US Army together in 1961 at Fort Campbell, KY.

Jimi and the band were booked for the holidays of '69-'70 at the Fillmore East, the legendary rock concert hall in New York.  There were new songs ready for the band - most notably "Machine Gun" - but Jimi wanted to do something special. 

While rehearsing for the shows at Baggy's Studios in Manhattan, the band wove together the melodies (melodys?) of The Little Drummer Boy, Silent Night, and Auld Lang Syne.  Someone wisely hit the "record" button, and we are left with these holiday treasures to enjoy, 43 years later.  At the concerts on New Year's Eve and New Year's Day, The Little Drummer Boy and Auld Lang Syne wound up as parts of medleys with other songs.

If you'd like to hear this tripartite medley, YouTube is standing by.  Just go here and enjoy! 

The album of the concerts was released in March of 1970, the last to come out during Hendrix's life, which ended that September.  


We don't have any way to know which direction his career might have taken, but it's good to hear his music again.

Wishin' and hopin'

 You hear this song as "our song" at wedding receptions all the time. Chevrolet uses it in a commercial about how happy you're going to be, together with your Chevy Bonfire or whatever. 

The song is "Happy Together," a #1 hit (their only #1) by The Turtles, from 1967, in the middle of the greatest era in pop music. It's peppy and catchy and it would be the perfect "our song" but for one thing...

It's not about a couple that's together.

It's about a guy hoping and wishing and yearning that he and his imaginary inamorata are merrily borne on the wings of sweet amour.

The first words of the song tell you everything: 

"Imagine me and you. I do. I think about you day and night."

It never does get any closer to together, but it sounds nice, so...how is the weather? 

Sunday Rerun: When I Grew Up

 We had some sort of after school activity that sunny afternoon, so my mom had to get in the Plymouth and drive to Towsontown Junior High School to pick up her 8th-grader.  I clearly remember that the Beach Boys song "When I Grow Up To Be A Man" was playing on WCAO on the way home.  

It was the fall of 1964, and in the spring of that year, I was supposed to die.  Not at the hands of an irate teacher or some greasers on Ameche's parking lot, you understand, but from some mystery virus that had me sicker than Peter Graves in "Airplane," minus the flatulence.  No one knew why I got sick, but a priest was kind enough to come in and give me the Last Rites.  "Father, I'm not Catholic," I pointed out.

"My son, it can't hurt," he countered.  And then he sat with me and talked about how I might be going to another place, another experience, and asked if I were ready for that.

I was 13! So there were lots of things I hadn't done yet that I have often enjoyed doing since, since I'm on borrowed time.  A week after my conversation with the priest, I was back in school.  Two months later, I was ill again, but this time, no priests came to see me.  I did crush on a nurse named Miss Payne (for real) but I guess she married Dr Kildare or someone because I never heard from her again.

And then whatever virus or -osis I had never came back, but again, that fall, the Beach Boys were singing about how it would be, when I grew up to be a man.  And so far, so good.

"When I Grow Up (To Be A Man)"  By Brian Wilson and Mike Love

When I grow up to be a man
Will I dig the same things that turn me on as a kid?
Will I look back and say that I wish I hadn't done what I did?
Will I joke around and still dig those sounds
When I grow up to be a man?
Will I look for the same things in a woman that I dig in a girl?
(fourteen fifteen)
Will I settle down fast or will I first wanna travel the world?
(sixteen seventeen)
Now I'm young and free, but how will it be
When I grow up to be a man?
Oooooo Ooooooo Oooooooo
Will my kids be proud or think their old man is really a square?
(eighteen nineteen)
When they're out having fun yeah, will I still wanna have my share?
(twenty twenty-one)
Will I love my wife for the rest of my life
When I grow up to be a man?
What will I be when I grow up to be a man?
(twenty-two twenty-three)
Won't last forever
(twenty-four twenty-five)
It's kind of sad
(twenty-six twenty-seven)
Won't last forever
(twenty-eight twenty-nine)
It's kind of sad
(thirty thirty-one)
Won't last forever
(thirty-two . . .)

Checking the scorecard, yes, I still do dig the same things that turned me on as a kid.  All men still laugh at what they laughed at in 5th grade!  I can say that for the most part I don't wish I hadn't done what I did.  I mean, sure, egrets, I've had a few, but then again...always with hot sauce.

Snowy egret

As you can see, I still joke around and I still dig the same
sounds - including this very record!  And I stopped looking for things in a woman less than a decade after this song came along, having found the girl of my dreams in 1973.  I settled down fast, having no inclination to travel the world.  We never were to be blessed with kids, but for the kids and kin I know and love, I hope they don't think I'm a square.  I'm not Justin Timberlake or anything, but then again, I'm not Dick Cheney, for crying out loud.

And finally, yes, I still have my share of fun, although cherry bombs and hitchhiking have very little role in it anymore.  And of course I love my wife, for the rest of my life.

That's why I have all this fun!

So I figure I did all right.  In a few short months, that song will be fifty years old.  I guess it's time to sing it again!

The Saturday Picture Show, December 21, 2024

 

This cool candle holder will be easy to make. One can find old silverware in any antique store,  and the fork and spoon will be easily bendable with a vise and vise-grip pliers. Sand and stain a block of wood and there you have it!

The Rockefeller Center Christmas tree is quite a deal. I can't look at it without thinking of Holden Caulfield and Sally Hayes ice-skating at Radio City, but that's my nostalgia.

Even the monks way up in the Himalayas count on Amazon. 

Here's your proof: camouflage clothing works!

This guy can hear people whisper two counties away!

This chrysanthemum is to remind you warm-weather fiends that spring will be here according to plan.

Remember the early days of pc's, when every time you went to do something, this goofy google-eyed guy popped up?

A real Tasmanian Devil is not cute like the cartoon version. These are nasty little critters! 

I wouldn't be the holidays without Magoo and razzleberry pudding! 

Early each morning, these bears meet for a strategy session for the day. It will be decided that Yogi will be in charge of stealing pick-a-nick baskets.

Oh, Rats!

Kelly Lambert found something very interesting recently, namely, that rats would rather drive than walk. I'm talking about real rats here, not that guy who stole your parking spot at the Bi-So-Lo the other day. 

Kelly is a professor and neuroscientist down at the University of Richmond. She rigged up tiny cars to see if rodents could get behind the wheel and scoot on down the road.

“Unexpectedly, we found that the rats had an intense motivation for their driving training, often jumping into the car and revving the ‘lever engine’ before their vehicle hit the road,” Lambert wrote in an essay last week.

Of course,  this wasn't some carnival attraction she was working on.  Dr. Lambert is exploring how animals relate to their environments,  how we develop cognition study aims to explore the relationship between animals and their environments, how their cognition develops, and how they process new skills. The rat-driving research went viral in 2022 and even wound up featured in a Netflix documentary.

Dr. Lambert says the joy the rats felt at driving could be partially attributed to the Pavlovian response of getting a little rat treat (a Froot Loop) for their stint behind the wheel, but also, she noticed that even without their Loop, the rodents just loved to drive for the sheer thrill of it all.

“Rather than pushing buttons for instant rewards, they remind us that planning, anticipating and enjoying the ride may be key to a healthy brain,” she wrote.

I keep hearing that teenagers are not in a particular hurry to learn to drive these days, and frankly, I don't blame them. A couple of miles around the Beltway is enough to make me want to call a cab.

Maybe they would send a tiny car with a rat driving. 

Save me a cup!

 I'll bet you enjoy looking at webcam images as much as I do! There are billions of sights you can see from your phone or pc...eagles' nests...your kid's school yard...Times Square...the line for Thrasher's French Fries in Ocean City, MD...a beautiful sunset 1/2 way around the world..and you can see all this majesty for free! (as long as you pay your internet access bill.)

You won't be surprised to learn that it was some pioneering computer guys, Quentin Stafford-Fraser and Paul Jardetzky, who were working the Trojan Room, the computer lab at the University of Cambridge, who developed the first webcam.

It was 1991. Stafford-Fraser and Jardetzky were given the task (I refuse to say "they were tasked") of helping the other brilliant men and women in the lab find out if any coffee was available in the communal Mr Coffee. These were busy people! Walking to the coffee room, only to come back with an empty mug, was a colossal waste of time, so S-F and J rigged up a digital camera, pointed it at the drip-o-lator, and fed the live image to everyone's screen.

Eventually, the entire world wide web knew if there was coffee to be had, and the idea went world-wide.

Dag. Coffee lovers are serious about getting their Java jive!

Stop in the name of the law!

Baltimore County school transportation officials have installed cameras on county school buses to get nice souvenir photos of jerkface motorists who just race on by as school buses stop to drop off or pick up kids (hereinafter known as "students.")

At first, police only handed out warnings - law enforcement's version of a school deficiency slip - but since November 4, maleficent motorists have been opening their mailboxes at home to find a real $250 ticket in there amidst the junk from Omaha Steaks, Ollie's Bargain Outlet, Old Navy, and O'Reilly Auto Parts. 

So far, they've sent over 7,400 citations for this asinine and potentially homicidal behavior. Last year, before the advent of the cameras, they wrote 148 citations. 

Don't even try to tell me you didn't know you had to stop your car to allow students to get on or off their buses. The flashing sign sticking out of the side of the bus tells you to STOP 🛑.

I know, you're in a hurry to get to the office for that all-important conference call with the home office, or to get little Agnes to the orthodontist, but just STOP for a stopped school bus, please. 

Stocking up

 Quick quiz: what do Maryland, Alaska, and Rhode Island have in common? 

Beside "seafood," it's beer!

As in, we are one of the three states where beer drinkers can't ankle into a grocery store and stock up on suds. We are also among the group of ten states where one can't buy wine and Worcestershire sauce at the same time. No oenophile, I, so it hardly makes a Ripple of difference to me.

We finally have a governor, Wes Moore, who sees the error in all this. He's going to ask his Buds in the legislature to straighten out this Schlitz and support a proposal that would allow beer and wine  purchases in grocery stores. It's an issue that comes up every year or so here.

“We are the only of our neighboring states to ban the sale of either in grocery stores — resulting in less consumer choice and putting our stores at a disadvantage,” Moore said in a statement. “Lifting this ban puts the consumers first, and ensures fair competition in the marketplace.”

Maryland law restricts alcohol sales to liquor stores owned by Maryland residents.

Quick quiz # 2: who would oppose making it easier for us to buy the beer and wine we enjoy with dinner? Ah. That would be the people who own liquor stores.  Of course they're fighting the governor on this, because if I can grab my Natty Boh along with my nectarines and Navy beans, I won't need to stop at Hi-Price Discount Liquor on the way home. 

Everyone loves capitalism until they don't. So here's my free advice to the soon-to-be-heartbroken liquor store owners: sell me my beer for less than the grocery store does! Maybe you'll have to cut your vacation in the South of France down from two weeks to one, and hang on to the Bentley for another year, but let's crack a cold one to celebrate your decision to stay in business! 

Eternal

We have a lantern outside, over the basement door. The incandescent bulbs I used to put in it lasted about about as long as a Kardashian marriage, 'til the day I replaced the fixture and used one of those new (at the time) LED bulbs, and I can't even remember how long that bulb's been aglow, but it's been a good while now. 

Climbing up ladders and replacing burned-out bulbs is one of those concepts long since relegated to the dustbin of history along with caroling door to door on snowy Christmas Eves, and snowy Christmas Eves. Bulbs burn forever now (watch this one go dark tonight, knowwhaddimsayin?) And while I hope this has not been a hardship on the people who work at light bulb factories, it's probably saved many a choredoer many a climb and fall.

But out in Livermore (you can picture someone saying, "Livermore" but who says, "more liver, please!") there is, at Fire Station 6 (4550 East Ave) an old time incandescent bulb that's been lit since 1901, with some exceptions, such as the 1937 firehouse renovations, the time in 2013 when the uninterruptable power supply died, and when it was moved to its present location.  So, except for those minimal gaps, this bulb has been on the job for 123 years, and who among us can make that claim? 

The bulb originally glowed at 60 watts' worth. Today, if you were trying to read this under the eternal bulb, you'd only get 4 watts of light, and its main purpose, beside being a tourist attraction, is as a nightlight for Station 6.

They have a Webcam so you can see it for yourself: http://bulbcam.cityofpleasantonca.gov/view/view.shtml?id=116787&imagepath=%2Fmjpg%2Fvideo.mjpg&size=1

Whoever bought the bulb in 1901 certainly got their money's worth!

Sunday Rerun from 2008: Things I Learned from Andy Hardy Movies

 Today was a good day to relax, so after I went to physical therapy and burned off some ham and pie, Peggy and I had a nice dinner and enjoyed watching "The Courtship of Andy Hardy"  on Turner Classic Movies.

This was the twelfth in the series of Hardy Family 

movies, and I while I wouldn't recommend them to anyone seriously studying American mores and folkways of the 1930's and 40's, they are just swell for lolling away a lazy afternoon.

And what you can learn!

First of all, you get Mickey Rooney as Andy Hardy, and life mirrors art as he struts his way through all sorts of trouble with the young ladies in his life. Rooney himself (born Joe Yule, Jr in 1920) is still around, and has been in show business since 1921, so even when he was making this particular movie in 1942, he had been performing for 21 years already. I think he has been married like seven times or something ridiculous. 
So, you watch the guy, and you're seeing a ton of talent.

From the movie, we learn that Melodie ,played by the lovely Donna Reed, is considered a drip - a real "drizzle-puss" - by Andy and his school buddies. Melodie is so hideous that Andy, whose father, the judge, strongarms  him to take this repulsive mess to the school dance, has to pay his friends to twirl her around the dance floor on their first date. Come the second date, and Melodie has learned a lesson. She simply puts her hair up and all of a sudden, all the guys realize she is quite pretty. Modern-day corollaries to this include sitcoms where some woman takes off her glasses, shakes out her hair, and suddenly, the handsome bachelor in the office goes, "Why, Miss Framingham! Without your glasses, you...you're...STUNNING!" And then they go and do it someplace.

Another common myth spun by Hollywood writers who have never lived among us but write about us as if they had is the legend of the Pretty Girl Who Sits Home On Saturday Night because everyone thinks she is all dated up and they don't even dare to dream to ask her out, so she sits at home with her hair up in italics, knocking back Diet Sprites and fudge. Son, that does not happen, and hookers don't have hearts of gold like in "Pretty Woman" and nobody participating in Roman chariot races wore a wristwatch like that one guy did in "Ben-Hur."

And, when Andy's know-it-all sister goes out on a date with a fellow who is known for being "fast" (he should have been known for being "loud"; he drove around in a car with a huge PA system so he could call out to people in houses and other cars - sort of like a pre-Nokia one-way cell phone) the guy gets shafahzed and Andy's dad throws the contents of a pitcher of water (which every kitchen always has sitting right there, right?) on the guy's melon, and of course he sobers right up and comes to his senses about this alcohol problem he's not going to allow to get the best of him.

The Hardys all dressed up big-time for dinner, at the dining room table with the solemn old judge carving and serving. Today, many families sit in their underwear, guzzling Coors Light and eating pizza, while watching "Deal Or No Deal." I am so worn out now, just from trying to get a visual on Judge Hardy tipping a Domino's guy, I think I'll put on my suit and fedora and go to bed.

The Saturday Picture Show, December 14, 2024

 

Those foggy days we had this past week still seemed sort of festive. Because it's the most wonderful time of the year!

The next time someone calls you a big mouth, ask if they're comparing you to a great white shark. 

It's the law of nature...most creatures fear a leopard, but even a leopard is afraid of something! 

Daily agenda: get up, make bed, sing "Eye Of The Tiger," get dressed. In those four simple directives we find the meaning of life!

It makes no sense that the hapless driver of this Mansion On Wheels is wedged tightly in a drive-thru, especially since there's a full kitchen in that RV and he should cook his lunch right there!

This week's free wallpaper shows a bleak landscape of bare trees and telephone poles.

Even if you don't have the loot to buy a Christmas tree, you can still string up some lights, and who's gonna know? 

Here's where Clark W. Griswold parked the Family Truckster.

Sad to hear the US government has declared the Monarch Butterfly endangered, in spite of its resemblance to the Maryland state flag.

Good night, everybody!