Keep it in your prance

I'm not in a position to ask for favors from celebrities.  Oh sure, I'll ask Steve Harvey to shake hands if I ever meet him, and I'd request free coupons if I ever met that lady who does the Popeyes commercials, but all in all, I don't go around asking singers to sing Happy Birthday to my kin or beseeching Pee Wee Herman to chortle out the greeting on my answering machine.

But in return for me not asking celebrities to stop their incessant self-promotion, may I just simply say I would like them to stop serving more than my minimum adult daily requirement of bull excrement when they explain stuff?

Like the other day, we talked about Reese Witherspoon claiming that the only reason she bopped out of her rented Ford and interfered with the police officer who was field-testing her husband for drunkenness was that she was "afraid" for her husband.

Now, here's a new one.  An old story, though.  This country singer, Jason Aldean, has been married since 2001 to his high school sweetheart, Jessica Ussery, and they have two kids, 10 and 5 years of age.

Last year, he got himself in a little trouble with the Mrs when he was caught playing tonsil hockey with some woman named Brittany Kerr, who comes to us from two sterling symbols of American royalty:  she was both an American Idol contestant and a dancer for the Charlotte Bobcats.  But there they were in a bar, looking like they were trying to learn Standup CPR, and failed to apprehend the New American Truth that just about everything you do is being recorded on video tape right now.

Both Aldean and Kerr offered heartfelt apologies and so on and so forth.  Ms Kerr said that her actions represented a lapse in judgement, and she was besieged by Twitterers asking questions such as, "What is wrong with you, taking advantage of a married man who had been drinking?"

Poor, defenseless, married man.

Aldean tried to play it straight too, saying that "The truth is that I screwed up. I had too much to drink, let the party get out of hand and acted inappropriately at a bar. I left alone, caught the bus to our next show and that's the end of the story."

 Poor, stupid, married man.

Anyway, that's his problem.  All I am asking is, after filing for divorce as Aldean did this week, can the rich and famous kindly refrain from saying things such as: "Jessica and I have been together since we were teenagers. We've been through a lot of ups and downs over the years as we grew up together as a couple. She will always be important to me because she is the mother of my children, and I know that we will both always make our daughters our number one priority."

The new happy couple

Which, translated, means, "We were together before I got rich and famous and found singing cheerleaders more available than they were when I was working at a 7-11 in high school, so out she goes, replaced by the new, hot model.  She will always be important to me because she will cost me a huge pile of money every month until both kids are about 47."

Again, these people can run off in whichever direction they find most pleasing.  I don't care one iota.  But please?  If your wife were still important, she would still be your wife.  If your kids were truly your number one priority, you would still be their father full time.

"I had too much to drink" also means "I don't know how to behave around girls."  That is sooooo high school....